Let's try this again

[Train]

I'd be really careful with a prolonged STFU philosophy during piecing.

Communication is arguably THE most vital component of a healthy M. Both partners must be willing, though. This is where the rubber meets the road and really where the XWAS has to step up and show s/he is willing to do the uncomfortable work without making excuses for why s/he can't right now. And the XLBS has to decide if they're seeing/feeling enough to continue the uncomfortable work, too.

Am I saying beat this lack-of-affection issue over his head (or trying the same non-working tactic, expecting different results)? Nope. In fact, wounded and I - as MWD suggests in DR - both advocated trying a fresh, new approach (getting away from the house in a relaxing environment before approaching H, "acting as if" while delivering to him your needs, validating, positive re-enforcements when he does something right, etc.).

I would advocate STFU if you're temporarily mad or frustrated over an issue. But even if those feelings linger for more than 24 hours, I would strongly encourage a spouse - now calm and rational (after the "24-hour rule") - to approach their spouse and say (insert woundedfool's conversation advice here).

The longer you STFU and hang on to resentment about your H's lack of affection and intimate conversation, the more withdrawals he's making from your love bank. He went a long time making withdrawals and no deposits, so homeboy might not be high enough "in the black" to be withdrawing such large chunks right now. That is why, during piecing, STFU (about such a big, lingering issue) is actually dangerous for your M, IMO.

But that's just me rambling ...

Definitely get back in touch with some of those DB methods of checking YOUR attitude at home, T0, even if you have to fake it until you CAN get out of the house with H (whether that's on a date or at MC). The thing is: Going to MC, while obviously helpful, still puts a big mirror in front of you two and your problems. Dates - I would advocate AT LEAST once a week, and it can be as simple as sitting outside together for an hour after the kids are asleep - are times when you can create "no-drama times" for you and H. (My H and I will build a fire in our firepit outside and have a couple beers if we can't "escape." I've helped him work on cars - for the record, my "help" entailed me replenishing his beer and handing him tools . Really anything goes as long as you two are spending some non-stressful time together, just the two of you. We also had to create "affair-free" date nights, when no matter what, we would not bring up the A. Same could be done with finances and/or jobs: agree to spend 1-on-1 time together one night a week when love-buster-topics like finances and jobs are topics NOT to be discussed, no matter what.)

Try to stay light and breezy, just like in the "old days." And definitely do something(s) to make yourself feel better; that will help your PMA at home.

Clearly, you both have big decisions to make - and you two are flirting with a deadline, right? I really, really hope your H steps back up; we KNOW he has it in him. I also know you can rest assured you've done literally everything in your power to make your M work. You've done some heavy-lifting, sister. Pat yourself on the back for me. And then go get a manicure or somethin'. xoxo