I still picture MW as a rabbit. He’s hiding out his hole…and he might be comfortable down there but I have strong feeling something tells the little rabbit that things aren’t going to stay the same for long. He doesn’t understand yet that it will be okay to ditch the hole and live in harmony with you. I am not against drawing him out of the hole, I just wonder if it might be better in the long run to talk him out a little more before attempting to blow him out of there with a legal separation, toned down friendship, locked doors, etc. The reason being…you might blow up the rabbit in the process and then he’ll be out of the hole for damn sure, but there will be rabbit guts all over the place also. Of course it could go the other way, and once he’s out he may see that it isn’t SO bad. It all depends on whether or not he survives the blast.
I completely empathize with you on comfort zones. Remember…it was I (that night talking to you on the phone in my kitchen) saying that I was sick to death of Sting living the life of Reilly while I handled fricking everything for his lazy self. And you said…Mer, he is not necessarily living the life of Reilly. He is dealing with a lot of inner turmoil, and that is not easy either.
Seems to me, you need a plan. If you are not comfortable with the situation as it stands, maybe make a list of what would make it easier for you. How could the situation improve if YOU were the only one available to improve it? Screw how MW could and would and should be doing things. If there are things that make you unhappy, how can you change them? And if there isn’t something directly making you unhappy…well, then you know what to do. Yes, it is a version of Step 3 and definitely a version of what you wrote in your email to me with what Triple J said. The twist is that you have to ask yourself for what you want too…
I’ll ask A to forward you the email she sent to her parents in January when she went home after her H filed for divorce. It was an awesome email…and served the purpose of your button.
GOOOOO YOUUUUU!! You are an amazing, strong, patient, capable woman. And you have so much to be proud of, not the least of it two girls who are so lucky to have such a mother! You can do this...
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Quote: Well, even though I wonder if I'm a complete buffoon for wanting such an emotionally crippled man, I look at my daughters and know that I want to be married to the stooge. Or at least to give it 100% of my effort.
IF I were inclined to address Step 3 with him (Ask for what I want), I could get 2 outcomes: he could agree to things or he could tell me flat out he's ready to file.
Well, let me tell you I did "ask for what I want" I told H I was dismissing the D! What came out of his mouth, nearly sent me into shock! H said he that we should go through with the D! But, as we all know you have to believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do!
So if you are not ready to hear what he may say; DO NOTHING!
Fence sitting is hard and not for the weak, as I well know, first hand!
They get too comfortable, and that was my H, he knows he has to make a big decision; shot, sh*t or get off the pot! I'm still waiting to learn the outcome! But, patience is our friend!
The above first paragraph is your ultimate goal! It is saying to me that no matter what your H has done, no matter what your H's problems are; you love him! It called "unconditional love".
Let this be always in the back of your mind, and when you want to throw in the towel, bring it out. You know that light at the end of the tunnel? Well, put a picture of you, your H and your children there! Always picture what you want to see in the future. It will carry you through the rough times!
Sometimes that picture becomes fuzzy, only you can keep it alive.
As for the separation, don't go there, not yet. You need to try some other techniques first. Let me tell you first hand; when you involve an Att and the courts, you will find it ten times harder to save your M. I learned first hand the consequences of my actions! And believe me it is not a rosey picture!
Set boundaries first, that should get his attention! And wait a while and moniter. Don't rush, time is your friend!
Thanks so much for all your comments and feedback!
I'm battling a variety of things at work today, which is why this first posting is so late. I need to get back to things shortly.
PMA is back up and I'm not doing a damn thing about anything right now. I'm living in the NOW.
I re-read Step 3 last night, and I think it will be my next move with Mr. Wonderful. But not right now. I still need some time to figure out what to say and how to say it (an exercise to practice execution). I'm pretty convinced that it will have to take place while he is in his car, because Michele mentions doing it at a time when the spouse is available and receptive to talking.
That much I have figured out.
The rest is still up in the air, so the waiting game continues. I have a few goals to set, which will help me to determine my readiness to tackle this Step and his readiness to being receptive and honest.
1. I will continue to act as if I'm patient. 2. I will pay close attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues he gives me in his conversations with me (both phone and in person). 3. I will observe his choices of wording for clues. 4. I will put his nuts in a vise if he doesn't give me what I want.
Just kidding on #4!
So here's one of my observations.... he phoned me a few minutes ago to chat. First of all, he informed me that he will be driving the motor home over to the house for a spell, because he got a tow warning at the apartment complex.
He was upbeat and very friendly.
He also told me that he will call the recommended repair place to see if he can get an appointment to get the brakes done and the other stuff too--and said he would let me know what he discovered.
Then he asked me if I checked the foundation e-mail account to see who cancelled their foursome. I said yes, and it was a contact of mine, and let him know I would try to find someone else to fill it right away. Then I let him know I would call my friend to enlist his help (since he offered and Mr. Wonderful wanted me to do it). He seemed happy about this and made the segue into the next subject...
Tonight's meal plan. I let him know I grilled a bunch of chicken last night, and he could use some of the smaller pieces with the girls, but requested he leave the larger breasts for me because they were weighed and I need them for my own menu (no smirking on the obvious comeback here).
He started chuckling and commented, "You're getting to be the little grill master, aren't you? Good!"
I replied, "Uh, no. Actually, I still pretty much suck at grilling. I do okay, but not nearly as well as you do."
This sort of validation should make me want to hurl, but it's the truth. I really stink at grilling because I haven't figured out how to deal with the hot spots and the not-so-hot spots. I wasn't cut out to be a grill master!
He asked what he should make me to go along with my chicken? I said, "Nothing. I appreciate the offer, but I'll take care of my veggies when I get home from the gym."
He said okay. I had another call so I told him I had to run (which was the truth). We'll see if he makes any more calls today.
It's looking like time to start a new thread, so I'm working on that.
As far as making a list for myself--regarding the plan I need to make myself more comfortable dangling on this damn rope.... I'm still mulling this over.
What WOULD help is if he would just acknowledge the status of things.
But you said my side only. Right now I need to stay focused on my weight loss program and increasing my exercise time--the latter because it really helps me with my stress level and helps my metabolism. I'm glad I've already been working out for 2 years consistently, because that is now part of who I am and what I do to make myself feel better.
Myrrh, I made some good headway in the Harville Hendrix book. I have to say that I'm really intrigued by some of this stuff. I can honestly say that Mr. W. is a more emotionally crippled version of my father... and God only knows what I have/had in common with his mother and his R with her.... it's sort of sickening but interesting nonetheless. We'll compare notes when we're both finished.
Okay, time to make a couple more posts and get back to work!
Thanks to all (Deb, I guess we'll put the cattle prod on standby for now! )
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
You are an amazing, strong, patient, capable woman. And you have so much to be proud of, not the least of it two girls who are so lucky to have such a mother! You can do this... 