Inbetween Land

[Faith2b]

Im struggling so badly this morning. My exh said he would help me move from our marital home. Last night he and I had a rough day. He used the kids and the OW to get me on his roller coaster. I made a huge step the day before in telling him that he could get the kids and I basically let him know I trust him on who he has around the kids. He asked me how I felt about this and I said nothing. He has crossed the line and he has the ow and her baby in his house with my children. So what can I say or do.

Well I had a great New Years and then he called me yesterday morning to say he wouldn't be able to help me move. He said he could not get off work. So I told him that was fine work is important. He became upset about getting some things from the house. I told him he doesnt have much. He said he begged to differ but whatever.

He started talking about the kids and that took me on the roller coaster. I am helpless when it comes to my kids I need some advice?? Please someone tell me how I can cope? My kids are very upset about the ow. They are confused. He told me an incident with the ow and my youngest daughter. He implied that I was feeling my daughters head with negativity about the girl. Which I would never play my kids against another person. My youngest also feels like the little baby is now her dads baby. I had to explain to her that this was not the case that she was still daddy's baby and I told her dad this as well. He wanted to justify the fact that he was with this girl and her baby is his as well now because thats his gf. I really dont care about his twisted thoughts on how after 5 weeks of dating you now have a new baby thats not even yours. But my point is this MY DAUGHTER HURTS BECAUSE she is CONFUSED. He didnt hear that I dont think he heard that. Im so upset.

I have to move by myself a gf of mine said she can help me. I hope Ican get alot done before hand. Im just so upset because my kids.

As much as I welcome the help from him when I talked to him last night he changed his story about having to work too. Its my responsibility to move out by myself. I didnt even argue that because he is right. This morning I got the dresser from upstairs scary!!

Im just so torn for my kids. I need help any advice when they try to use the kids against you??
Please let me know what I should do next. Im thinking to go dark because I feel I went crazy last night. He also got very upset and so did I. Itwas a rough subject for both of us. Can you see anythng that may be helpful in what my strategy should be next???

[jim0987]

The main thing with the kids is to remember WAS relationship is there responsibility. If your D is upset about the new baby unfortunately you've just got to listen to her, reassure her that you love her and if you must say that 'you'll need to talk to your dad about that'

[HPoirot]

Hello Faith. You of course should comfort and protect your kids. Yes he will have to talk to your D about the baby. When he's talking to you and trying to push your buttons... you've got to stay strong and not fight him. Just validate what he says without agreeing... "I see how you could feel that way about what happened." If it's too much... "You've given me a lot to think about. Please give me some time to process this and let's talk more tomorrow/tonight/whenever." You can also tell him that you may not answer the phone as you are busy so he should leave VMs. That will give you time to think of responses.

[Faith2b]

Thank you this is so hard. I feel like my exh is trying to shut me out and start a new life without me. He wants to shut me off completely so that he can feel better right now. He trys to make me feel like he has a happy family he with our kids and the ow. I see this but I dont know how to react. I maen it hurts that he is trying to do it in this way. But not sure what strategy to use to deal with this. Please help me have direction???

[HPoirot]

You'll have to leave him to do what he thinks will make him happy. Stay out of his way. Fighting him or showing your anger will make it worse for you and the kids. He will act happy around you but not his real feelings show.

In my case, my W will act happy around me and my S11. She is not happy. Admitted to S11 she sits alone in our old packed up home and cries from the guilt.

So, you have to focus on your own happiness now for your kids. If it get too hard for your H, then your kids will naturally want to spend more time with you and your H will see that. He has to see the consequences of his actions. You make it good for your kids by being as strong and accepting as you can.

Here's how you react around your H... be friendly not a friend and businesslike and brief. Otherwise, do not communicate with him unless he communicates with you first.

I often can't do it either. I'm so sorry this is happening. Tell your gf what you're doing regarding the above and ask for her support. You are not alone. You can do it.

[Sotto]

Hi Faith2B

The big goal is to get to a point where you can 'respond' to your H, rather than 'react' to him. Reactions are made in the grip of strong emotions and responses are made from a calmer and more centred place.

At the moment, your H is pushing your buttons and has you bouncing around all over the place emotionally. I can understand how hard it is with H choosing to incolve OW with your kids. You could try and set that boundary with him. But TBH, he's already crossed it and I doubt he would agree not to have OW around the kids.

So, if that's the case, just accepting this may help. My H doesn't want to be with me right now. He's with another W. My kids are spending time with her. It is just about engaging calmly with the reality of all this and not 'fighing' it.

Plus, I agree with the comments about validating for your kids, and suggesting they talk to Daddy too if they are confused etc.

I know it's all really hard right now, and it is early days....you're doing great x

[Faith2b]

So I realize a big part of him jumping into a relationship so quickly is because he knew that I wouldn't have sex with him if he left. This is important to him and I want the connection as well. I thought about it and I'm thinking of having sex with him. It may be hard but I can handle it if I know the end result is us being back to working on restoartion. Need thoughts on this?????

[Faith2b]

I know this is a change but I'm realizing that I cause alot of emotional back and forth alot of stress because I need sex too. I know it maybe a touchy thing please advice??

[SunnyB]

I thought about it and I'm thinking of having sex with him. It may be hard but I can handle it if I know the end result is us being back to working on restoartion. Need thoughts on this?????

Slow down, faith. OK, you can handle it if the result is reconciliation. But what if it's not? Can you handle that? Will you feel used? How long will you continue to sleep with him? Let's take this down the road. Will you continue to sleep with him while he shacks up with someone else? What if he married her? Is that the life you want? Think this through. If your answer is that yes, you can sleep with him and enjoy it for YOU, no strings attached, then sure, do that. If you can't, then....my opinion is no.

I continued to sleep with my H as long as we were living together, even though I knew there was OW. But when he left my house, that was the end. That's my rule. What's yours?

[Faith2b]

Well I thought that my rule was no sex while he was in another relationship. But when he asked me I said no but my emotions actually said yes and we ended up fighting really badly. Great questions to think about. I am ready to except the worse because in my GAL I have realized alot of my part in him reaching out to another woman in the first place.