Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[HPoirot]

Day #21...

I woke up shaky this morning. I woke up a couple times during the night thinking about my W's A. My mind gets to a point thinking that way then I wake up and the thoughts are still there and growing. I'm recognizing the triggers that bring this on. Not as bad as weeks ago... but worse then it has been. I used stop thoughts, counting my breaths, and took a sleeping pill middle of the night. Not great.

I'm now committed to cracking the door open for friendliness with my W. See... just typing that brought up a negative feeling in me. I can remember she's a good person in pain b/c it helps me feel better about what I choose to do here. This is hard and will take conscious decisions by me minute to minute to keep thinking my W is a good person and I empathize with her feelings. Minute to minute. I relax and accept that. When I choose to relax and surrender to all this as much as I can, thinking my wife is a good person is not as hard. Being angry is just the easier choice.

And just that fast doubts and images of her in WAW action bubble up. Choose to relax. Minute to minute.

Time for breakfast, ice cold shower, and then off to the old home to pack. She won't be back with S11 from their trip to the mountains until late this evening. It could be a good time to choose to spend a few minutes around her. I'll decide later. There are those doubts again. And anger.

Minute to minute.

This is hard.