I know you are hurt. I get that. I have felt that.
It is a hard thing to hear that your wife has been with someone else. Hard to get your mind around it.
As I have had no experience personally with porn addiction, I can only imagine how it made her feel.
But I am not here to judge, nor to tell you how to feel.
You are angry and hurt and your thoughts are understandably all over the place.
Once you have some time to think through things, I believe you may see things differently.
You are allowing your anger to take over what your heart is feeling...disappointment, sadness, and maybe even feeling foolish that you didnt see it.
The truth is that marriages survive affairs and porn addiction. But you can only take care of your side of the street. You have no idea whether she is capable of working through stuff. Thats not really your place to decide.
What you do need to decide is what is best for you. You need to do that from a place of strength, not anger. Do it from a place of compassion for the mother of your child and the woman you love. Do it without judgement of her because all of us contributed to the problems in our marriage.
Take some time. Regroup.
Be careful to own your stuff and only yours. She has to own hers.
If, after you decide within those parameters, that you can no longer stand, I will support you completely.
Thanks uR. I do know I need to come from a place of strength and peace before making a decision. I will say that, most of today, I was not consumed with anger. I just know I'm never going to hate her, and I am happy about that. I've seen what it looks like to hold on to hate from an affair by your spouse. My cousin and MIL went through it but held on to their anger like it was a badge of honor. Those 15-20 years of anger did so much more damage to their lives than the actual affairs by their husbands. I am at peace knowing that won't be me, regardless of what happens in this M.
The biggest question on my mind remains if WAW is capable of putting in the work to build a strong M right now. I don't intend to find the answer soon. And I know you said it's not really my place to decide, but it kind of is. That is the primary factor in our chances to successfully reconcile. I don't want to judge her, or declare her worthy/unworthy (I already believe she is worthy). But I feel like I do have to decide for myself if she is still a woman I can build a M with. What do you think? Unfair?
Tonight we were texting about a couple of logistical things. I asked her if one of her close friends, who I've lnown and liked for years, knew about the A (I'm pretty sure she did, but asked anyway). She said "not tonight. I'm not drunk or really upset, so I don't think I can handle it tonight." I responded with an inside joke that always makes her laugh, to ease the tension, and we ended up texting for an hour or so. It was actually fun. I think we both needed it. It didn't change any of my feelings, it just felt good to joke with her. Made me think of good times. But then I remembered we had really good times just three months before she met OM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Feeling for you. My W was in an A for about a year before BD, I had absolutely no clue at all. Even up through BD. I figured it out after about 6 weeks after BD. She made the first move by buying a house, so I confronted her about OM. We had a weird weekend of what I thought was some reconciling, but then she shut down again. she says it was no S, but I don't believe her. I got an STD screening, also. Just to be safe
Anyway, you'll be a mess for a few weeks and second guessing a lot of the last year. I still do, but it's much better now. Just like BD, it will stabilize and you'll get some clarity.
Also, I'm in the same boat; not sure if the W will put in the work to reconcile. I know we could if she's willing, but she's got her own struggle with this that she needs to work out first. I see that most of the things she may have been feeling during BD may be attributed to the guilt she's carried over the last year. At one point during BD she said she didn't want to hurt me any longer. I'm pretty dense and didn't think anything about that statement when she said it.
Keep hanging in there. Don't act on your emotions right now, it's a marathon.
Last edited by MCS; 01/03/1507:24 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
The biggest question on my mind remains if WAW is capable of putting in the work to build a strong M right now. I don't intend to find the answer soon. And I know you said it's not really my place to decide, but it kind of is. That is the primary factor in our chances to successfully reconcile. I don't want to judge her, or declare her worthy/unworthy (I already believe she is worthy). But I feel like I do have to decide for myself if she is still a woman I can build a M with. What do you think? Unfair?
I'm gonna throw you a curve, you don't know if you're capable of the work it takes to build a strong M. That's not a 2x4, it's just the truth. None of us knows that, we just move forward on faith and willingness to try. No expectations. Really.
I can tell you, as I often say on my thread, it's no cakewalk and it's not just like being married in the good days before BD. It's a very new entity and there are landmines all along the path.
It's work. Yes, there's a honeymoon phase in the beginning but it does end and then it's all the stresses of everyday life, Rs, along with ghosts of the past, if you let them in.
It's important to decide if you want this person in your life. You're looking at a life partner through a very different lens now, with new insights and perspectives.
But you'll never know if either of you is up to it until you get there.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Very fair point, labug. I would still want to see some indication that WAW would even really try to work on it, not just settle back into her M because that's better than being single after she was dumped. I will give her some credit, though: she at least sees a psychiatrist and takes meds for her mental problems, and she does try to go to the gym to get her mind in a better place. Although now I know she was working so hard in the gym to look better for OM. She denies that but I don't believe her
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Labug made great points. I have exactly zero experience in reconciliation with xh, although something in your post struck a chord with me. Please don't think I'm being a downer, however I did want to comment on your W seeing a psychiatrist. My xh really thought he was "beyond a nervous breakdown." I had never seen behavior like I saw post BD. He has been diagnosed with treatment resistant clinical depression and severe anxiety. Ever the fixer, I scurried to get him a psychiatrist appointment as I couldn't imagine the man I married would ditch his family. In the end, he just went a few times and I doubt he's on meds. He had been on several over a 10 year stretch.
I point this out because if your wife is genuine in her pursuit of help , just be grateful for her. It may have no impact on you or your R. However, it may help her find her peace (or maybe not-no guarantees) which may or may not include you. I hope that makes sense.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Freddy, I was trying to say what my friend labug did. You can't possibly know what she or isn't capable of because you aren't her. And what she is capable of can change.
That's why u have to decide what u want moving forward. Do you want to see if your marriage can be saved? Do you want to leave the door open a crack or do you want to move on?
It takes a leap of faith to try. It takes a willingness to have no expectations and see where it goes. I understand if you don't want to take those. The thing is that you don't have to decide today.
One funny thing I've remembered...for a while during this DB process, I was actually hoping she was having an A, if only because everything would make so much more sense. She has never lied to me, as far as I know, not even a small lie, before A. That is why I doubted that it was an A. She lied to me SO much over the last 7 months, it is astounding. Lots of the lies, she had to go out of her way to do it. I guess A's will make you do really crazy things.
Also, she hasn't actually apologized yet. Not sure if she realizes she hasn't done that. I'm not sweating it.
Last edited by Card29; 01/03/1508:35 PM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
My H has never apologised for having an A. I dont think he feels sorry about it. He has apologised for lying to me and for the hurt caused. And he genuinely seems upset and regretful for those areas. But the actual A - and the betrayal of our vows etc...no, he hasn't ever apologised for that.
But I guess he may well still be in fog and that could change. Like your W, my H was always very honest before, and very proud that he had always been faithful. It really seemed to matter a lot to him. But A's can make the most surprising people become very wayward & behave so out of character.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
