Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Mozza]

You're an impressive woman, Calibri. You seem like a take-charge person, who's determined to be successful and willing to put in the efforts to achieve her goals. I wouldn't be surprised that you've been successful in your education and that your career is well on its tracks.

I'm tempted to tell you what my IC told me: my controlling tendencies, my preference for things being done my way (it's better!) has paid handsomely at work, but it's a behavior that doesn't translate well in other spheres of my life. It made me critical and controlling of my W. It makes me impatient in general when things aren't as good as I can do or imagine them. What I've realized is that my goal at home is not to optimize the loading of the dishwasher or planning of the annual holidays, but to optimize my R. This means to let go of a lot of little things in order to achieve this big thing. Make my W happy and safe with me, even if it means wasting dishwashing soap or paying more for our flights. Make of that what you will, if the shoe fits.

I've had one boss who was always a step or two ahead of me and made me feel like I was unprepared and border incompetent (and people said I was on her good side!). Sure, she taught me to outdo myself, but I was also nervous and uncomfortable around her. Come to think of it, it sounds a lot like what my W told me about being around me. Is there someone like this in your life that could help you reflect on how it feels to be on the other side, someone to inspire your empathy for H?

I really like where you're headed right now. All of us have the same challenge: once we understand what we need to change, we need to make it part of our personality, unrelated to our M. This means, in our case, to let go of control not just to attract our WAS back, but to live with them. The way you'll attract your H back is the way you'll live with him. Reflect on that and about how hard it is for you to adopt the right behavior. It will help you think about whether your really want to reconcile and how important it is to use the gift of time to get this right.