Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

So. I've been taking baby steps.

I wasn't able to go NC due to some personal family issues that had to be discussed with H. It's always something. 2015 seems to be picking up right where 2014 left off, hhhoooooray.

I have however, modified my conversations: how I'm responding, subject matter, etc. H has initiated a few convos, sent me a link to an artist who he thought I would like (I ended up LOVING the artist and am trying to get a print for the house) and we had a nice convo about it. We've done the how was your day, blah blah blah.

But where I've modified my behavior: I've kept convos short (H seems to respond well to that) I enforced boundaries (ended a conversation when he started getting frustrated, which would lead towards agitation and anger), I've stopped expecting follow up. If I don't get a return text, I leave it at that. I let go of my need to control his end of the conversations (frequency, why is he not responding to my text) and focused on myself and as such, I'm feeling better about myself and the situation. Granted I'm like four days into the process, but damn it, I'm doing it.

I've been listening to what he has to say and processing things. I've asked questions to understand. I've really tried to STFU about me, and just freaking listen. I've learned a lot by focusing on someone other than myself and in a manner that doesn't tie back into my fulfilling my needs.

But perhaps the biggest baby step I've taken this week, was to say no. H invited me out to lunch on New Years day and I said no. Partially because I had other plans, but more because it wasn't a healthy thing for me to do at that moment. I was feeling very raw from the holidays, upset about our neighbor dying, I was just a ball of emotions. I knew that I couldn't do it, and that it wasn't the right thing for me, emotionally. So I simply said no. And you know what? I didn't even worry about "OMG what if I say no and I'll have blown it!?!" Because quite frankly? A) I didn't give a damn and B) I did the right thing, which was to take myself off the rollercoaster and to take care of myself.

Interestingly enough, H is going to neighbors funeral tomorrow (I didn't even discuss it with him, complete 180 from funeral gate that we had over thanksgiving). He asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast before the service. I'm thinking about it. Haven't decided, but I am thinking about it. I'm feeling better emotionally (fantastic new hair cut and new color, PMA has been boosted from multiple workouts and personal validation from lots of friends) and I know that I can do it without going into a tailspin.

Regardless, of if I go to breakfast or not, I plan on looking stunning (haven't seen H in over seven weeks), will smell good, will be the best version of myself, and have plans after funeral that will give me an excuse to have to leave immediately.

......is this where I say onward?