A few days have gone by and I have had the time to reflect on many things. And of course, given the time of year, it is natural to push the reset button. As Oprah says "New Year's is a time to set things right".
A couple of things are happening: 1) My H has been coming in and out of the house to help with DD. He is respectful and asks if I want him back and if so what time. 2) We are having mostly transactional conversations...what time do you need me, I have to take car in x, I have interview x 3) H is softening a very little bit by talking to me more each day and not running for the door 4) I did a 180 and went out for the night and came back in the am. This was arranged with H. He did not ask any questions. 5) I looked good before I left for night---which was noticed by him. He did not say anything, but he looked at me multiple times. And I even had perfume on. At 2pm! 6) I had a good night of head clearing with my sister. 7) There are some things I am unclear on. But one thing is clear: I contributed to the stress of my marriage by pushing having another child. My husband said he does not want to have more children and he told me so months ago. I just did not hear him or believe him or thought he would change his mind or would give me what I want. This was wrong of me to just dismiss him, go around him and drive for what I want. When he said NO, I should have listened. In fact, there is no reason for us to discuss having more children at this time. I am looking for a job, we have a home in massive repair, my husband has a difficult, physically demanding job, and I have major problems carrying a baby to term. 8) I did come home today and apologize to my H for the stress and pressure I put on the marriage by pressing for another child, against his wishes. This may seem counter to the rope dropping and P, but this is also a 180 for me and also meeting H needs of respect, thinking of him. I also asked him to remember that the MC asked him to stop me when I get too driven. 9) I am still confused on other things going on/not going on...like the lack of sex and if I was meeting his needs (or maybe I was not) why are my needs not being met. There are many unanswered questions that I would like to have answered so I can decide on how I want to move forward. I hope to get those answers from H in a MC session. 10) I set a meeting with a DB coach. My DB MC is out of the office for family leave for an unknown time so I am going to talk to a coach to get myself on track. H has been open to MC in past, but I am not going to bring H into MC/Coaching until I have time to first get my act together. I also have to find a MC that we can see in person.
There are some things I will consider like the Anger Management and maybe this is tied to grief as you mention, Vanilla.
