IDK, just seems like ever since your flirtation with OW you sound different.
For the record, I understand how you feel resentment. However, if you have doubts that you can forgive her, now is the time to confront yourself. Don't allow this to be about who wins the girl.
You're right. Meeting OW took some of the fight out of me.
Nothing is going on with OW, emotional or otherwise. Our torrid A has consisted of a few conversations in public venues. There's obvious attraction and chemistry, but nothing else. I've made a point of not swinging by her cubicle to talk, keeping things to a quick "Hi" in the halls. I was up front about being married. I actually feel a little silly at how much of an effect she had on me.
My doubts about my M are not about the OW per se. My chances of having an actual R with her are pretty small. What meeting OW did for me was point out that I could have a good life after my M. That I had prospects for a life that I may actually be happier than what I have now. What I am wrestling with is whether I've been fighting for my M because that's what I really want, or because I was afraid of the alternative. I'm remembering times in my own M where I was almost a WAS, but I didn't leave because of my children or because I didn't want to be the "bad guy".
It's not a matter of forgiving my W. I know I can forgive her; I'm questioning now whether this whole sitch was ultimately a wakeup call that I needed to pay more attention to my M, or that my M has run it's course.
I should want my W. She's sexy, outgoing, and free-spirited. She's a wonderful mother. I enjoy being with her. Our sex life has started back up and it's been good so far. I love her family. I should be thrilled to death that things seem to be getting better, but I'm not. On paper we work. I'm just no longer sure if I really want to be married to her, and I can't figure out why. Three months ago I was a total rock, focused on restoring my marriage. Now, not so much.
I KNOW that this is the same "grass is greener" thinking that my W is doing. I'm trying to figure out whether this is lingering resentment of my W, or something else. I've put so much energy into SFTU that now that things are relaxing a bit, my own issues are coming out. This has been a totally unexpected development, to say the least. Hopefully this is something I can sort out when MC starts back up next week.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
