Thanks for all your support--both here, e-mail and IM. I really appreciate all the terrific feedback!
I wasn't not posting to all of you yesterday because I was tanked. I was angry, but not with any of you! The truth is that I am phenomenally busy at work right now. Before I post my conclusions, I'll tell you the ironic stuff.
I led D10's girl scout meeting yesterday to work on a badge I signed up for last September--called Being My Best. It entails teaching the girls how to journal, think positive thoughts, identify positive things about others and set short and long term goals.
It forced me to adjust my thinking, and it was well timed and appreciated. After the meeting, I had to check in with my Slim4Life counselor and head to the gym. I'm happy to report that I lost 6 lbs and am now employing my new weight loss eating habits. I'm really going to miss the half and half in my coffee (skim milk bites) as well as the girl scout cookies, mini carrots and yogurt. So here goes!
I've thought a lot about what each one of you have had to say. I'll start with Pattie's suggestion that maybe the actual deadline started me down this path. I think she might be right!
I've also thought a lot about what Hud told me in an e-mail: basically that I have some more detaching to do and to become more vigilant with setting boundaries that assist me in detaching.
For instance, Mr. W. and I are not legally separated. All the papers have been completed and are residing in our legal mediator's hands. For a variety of reasons, he has full access to me, the girls and the house.
I arrived at some conclusions while thinking yesterday and overnight.
Mr. W. is in a comfort zone. Don't we all know that the only way we humans make changes is to be pushed into a DIScomfort zone. Well, I'm thinking that the tide needs to turn.
My dinner with Mike on Saturday was thought provoking. He asked me a question that my dad had asked me last September (after Mr. W. dropped out of MC). What incentive does Mr. W. have to figure things out? He's got all the comforts of having a home and family, full access to his friends while I'm rearing the girls, and nobody to ask him the tough questions that he needs to ask himself.
Not to mention the fact that his very close friends have been warned by him not to bring me up as a topic of discussion or he will leave. Mike called his lifestyle "camping with the guys". He's right on the money.
This tells me that my emotionally crippled H is comfy.
So here's what I think needs to be done:
1. Eliminate the May deadline for now.
2. Initiate a phone call with Mr. W. The phone seems to be the best medium for good chats between us. And it will help remove the emotional factor of the equation, which he might interpret as manipulative or an ultimatum where he feels the need to challenge.
3. Inform him that I want to make the separation legal.
Note--I know he will ask why, so here is my thought on answering:
"Mr. Wonderful, it is becoming obvious that we are not working toward a reconciliation. I really need to start thinking along those lines, which is why this is necessary."
4. I need to establish new SOPs--mainly that he acts as a guest in my home (i.e., calls before he comes over when it's not planned, rings the doorbell instead of letting himself in).
5. When he calls me, I will answer his questions but discourage any small talk. I really need him to stop treating me as his best friend if we are going to D. That won't mean that we can't be friends, but the fact is that I need to work things out in my head before that can happen.
I think this about covers it for me right now. I hope all of you feel comfortable enough to give me feedback on my post.
Hugs to all of you today!
Bets
p.s. My astrological sign of the zodiac is Aries. We are the first in the zodiac--we signify rebirth and spring is our time for big change. So I hope that this doesn't come as any surprise to anyone here!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
