Rebuilding 1 step at a time

[Heart14]

I thought it might be time for an update. It's been quite awhile since I last posted. I still visit the boards often. I don't post much because I don't really feel like I have much advice to give anyone. I definitely support everybody here though.

The majority of the time, I would say our marriage is going really well now. We try and schedule a date night once a month to get out of the house and also have "dates" at home after S2 goes to bed. Physically our relationship is better than its been since before S2 was born. We've tried to spice things up which has really been fun for both of us. I don't know what kept us from doing that a long time ago. Emotionally I would also say we are closer, but H has days where he seems withdrawn. Based on our conversations, I know these are the days where he's feeling bad about himself and the distance has nothing to do with me or our marriage. I anticipate that because of his childhood trauma we will be dealing with that for a long time. I do my best not to let it affect me since I know that is not his intent.

I still struggle with painful feelings from the affair at times. It seems to come in waves. I'll be feeling really positive and then bam, I'm having insecurity issues and feeling stressed that this will happen again. In general, H has been really great during these moments. Reassuring me that he's committed to me and will not stray again. Accepting full responsibility for what transpired. The hard thing is that no specific action is triggering me. It's not like H is neglecting our M or acting suspicious like he was during the A. I know this is normal. I still dislike when my fears get the best of me. Those are actually the moments when I can see that walking away would have probably been easier. I never wanted that though. I still don't. This was a very painful experience. I learned that I have a lot more strength than I ever thought I did. I'm very proud of that. It seems odd, but I also feel so much more empowered as a person than I did before the A. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself or of H walking away. One of the questions I do struggle with is why I didn't take a stand earlier. I knew something was off and yet I didn't push anything until H admitted the A on his own. I suppose the answer is fear. I wasn't ready to let go yet.

I'm really proud of how far we've come. H has moments where he lashes out because he doesn't know how to handle my emotions. This has been an issue for him because in some ways he's emotionally stunted from the childhood abuse. When he feels attacked (even if that isn't really the intent), he becomes almost like a cornered animal that lashes out until his free. I at least understand this now and H is more aware of it too. We had a fight a few days ago where that happened and I stayed as calm as I could and stopped engaging. We cooled off for about 15 minutes and then H came to me unprompted and apologized for his reaction and tried to explain the reasons behind it. That is progress in my book. I can see the effort we are both making to change the patterns that drove us apart.

One thing that has been a bit of a sticking point for us is that I want H to say he chose me over OW. Clearly he did because we are together and they are not. However, he loathes the term chose. In his mind that makes it seem like he was comparison shopping. Instead he says he wants to spend his life with me. I realize this is semantics and I have to let it go. It still bothers me for some reason. I know I cannot always be right, and truthfully I've never really cared about that anyway. I think what it really comes down to is that I fear by not saying "I choose you", he's not acknowledging that he made a choice to stay and instead felt like he had to. Again, logically, I realize this is not true.

I guess there is a part of me that wishes he had groveled and apologized more. Almost like I wanted him to go over the top proving that I was the one he wanted. I realize that I cannot want retribution for the A and healing for our marriage at the same time. I have to release the need for him to pay. I have made the choice to forgive and heal because that is truly what I want.

H is out of town tonight which stinks since it's the weekend. However, it's also good because he's really staying in touch since he knows what a trigger Friday's can be for me. It's always nice to feel like he listened and wants to ease my fears.

Thanks for listening through all my rambling thoughts! Hope you are all having a good new year. Here's hoping 2015 is filled with love and laughter for all of us.