Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[TLEE86]

C, Toots, Jim, Mozza, thank you so much. All of you said something that really hit home and you cleared up my own "fog" and identified what the real issue was. This is exactly why I post here, because from your pov you see it for what it is.

Reoccuring themes here from all of you:

1. Stop thinking "Husband knows best." Stop trying to "fix" her and her insecurities. She needs to fix it herself.
- W did not leave me solely because she's on a path to discover herself and make it on her own. She left because she was unhappy with how our M was going. This journey she is on is still one that needs to be taken. As Mozza says, it gives one purpose. W did not work much or stay in school because she did not want to. Simple as that. She felt like I provided enough to where she was fortunate to not have to (her words). In the end, I believe this was a mistake, to put all her eggs in my basket instead of her own. Now we are learning that.

- I consider myself a success when it comes to life and a career. But because I did it one way, doesn't mean she has to do it that way. I focused all my efforts on school without a job. But many people do both at the same time. It's actually more admirable that they can do this. Pushing her or encouraging her to do it my way, is what comes off as controlling. I have the best intentions, but there's more than one way to skin a cat.

- C said this the other day. Now is the prime time for W to learn these things on her own. Me "helping" her, is only impeding this and making things longer because now she has to fight me and my views. There is nothing I can do to help fix her insecurities. I always felt as her H, when she's sad, I should be there to help. Maybe instead, I STFU and LISTEN to what she's saying instead

2. W did not ask me to make the choices/sacrifices I made. Quite the opposite. My views on being a good H differed from hers.

- All of you said this. This is a hard pill to swallow. To me, being a good H was one that provided for W, roof/food/car/$, in addition to the emotional side. W, as you all echoed, did not ask for this. Yes, a big house and new trucks are nice. But what she wanted was to be with a H who showed and cared for her and would always support her. I was so focused on the materialistic side of providing for W that I failed miserably the last year at the emotional side.

- W said it and I failed to hear her. "Do you think I cared if you went to XYZ School or did XYZ. No. I would have stayed with you no matter what. Because ILY and thats it."

- She did not want, nor ask for what I also thought I was doing for her. It was a self-imposement that I wanted to do and felt I should do. I should have listened first instead of acted

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Now what? Nothing. So difficult to wrap my head around this. The only thing to do is STFU, Listen, Validate, and Let Go of Control.

I am thankful W is telling me these things because this allows me to work on myself as well. Control is still a huge issue for me, it just is so subtle in my eyes that I fail to see it.

I am also failing as far as validating. She says I cant relate to her, so obviously my efforts to validate/empathize are not working. Need to try harder and sincerely mean it. Maybe share more if I have non-marriage related issues. Ask for her opinion and respect what she says.

Lastly, let the dust settle. This past week has been a very emotionally draining week with all these serious talks. Need to move past it. Too many serious talks do not help anything.

Seems like I always identify the same issues. I just never act. I should probably start. Thanks again you guys.