Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[Calibri]

W: I'm stressed about my future, making it on my own right now, finding a place I feel good about that I can afford, if I need to find a weekend job, how to ever go to school, have time for the dog, if I want to add a second job. I hate that it seems like you never have to struggle and why you always have everything come so easy to you. You never have to worry about anything and if you wanted you could be set for the rest of your life and I don't feel like I'll ever get that. So no, you cant relate

Ok, I've been where she's at. When H and I were in college -- his classes always seemed so much easier than mine, and he just (appeared) to be coasting along during his senior year, while I was writing massive papers each weekend. After we both graduated, he was getting job interviews left and right, while I had NOTHING. He also had the option of falling back on the family business which his parents wanted him to take over. I couldn't even get a call back for a retail job. I got into this mindset that he had it so much easier than I did -- and everything appeared to just come naturally for him. There literally, was nothing that he could say to make me feel better, because I (like I think your W) was caught up in my own insecurities and emotions.

W would say things like...you've done so much in your life- went to the Academy got your degree, deployed, went to XYZ Army Schools, and have your future set. Me (W), I have been a house wife for my entire life and don't have a degree, and have never held a stable job.

It's not your job to fix her insecurities.

Again, a lot of this is by choice. I PUSHED HER to go to school, and ENCOURAGED HER (to an extent) to work. But it was HER CHOICE not to. This is why I keep saying that (and W agrees) a lot of this is about her. She is, IMHO, having a quarter century crisis, her own WTF am i doing with my life moment. Which is why she is so focused on now she is "FORCED" to work and go to school.

Ok, you're boarding on the cusp of self righteousness. This is coming across as a bit demeaning, in some sense. YOU pushed her to go to school, encouraged her to work, but it was her choice not to, that this is all about her. Perhaps, did she choose not to go to school or work because she felt that she couldn't live up to your expectations or be your equal? That she has a smart husband who has a degree, deployed, (I'm assuming an officer), motivated, driven man. You said that in another thread, that you liked to show her off to your friends -- could she feel like she was supposed to assume the role of trophy wife and be at home? Or hell, maybe she just didn't want to?

1. I don't know what to say to her first part. Sounds like she does have a lot going through her head. I am not sure if i just say "W, I completely understand you are concerned and stressed about your future. That is a lot to deal with. But I have complete confidence in you that you can do anything you put your mind to. Don't worry about Dog1, she will be fine, you know that. Just take her out when you have time"

Yes. That.

My own thoughts? If she gets a weekend/2nd job, she will never have time for school. She barely has time for school now. Her day goes from 530am-615pm everyday and she just sleeps after. I have always encouraged her that she should just go to school w/o working, knock it out (she has maybe 1.5-2years left), and then get started on her career. I brought that up the other day, but she shot it down.

This is none of your business. Careful that your encouragement isn't bordering on controlling or making her feel like "husband knows best." Because, while you're giving her encouragement to her face (via text) you're doubting her behind her back here. You've got to let it go. If she wants to do school, second job, etc -- she's got to figure it out. You are her husband, not her father. Quit trying to solve her self imposed problems.

2. She thinks things come easy for me. REALLY? I never have to worry about anything. Thats what she really thinks? Guess its not surprising since she has thought that about me for our whole M. The last part, "my future is set" really gets me. Does she not realize that my W..my 2nd W who is the girl of my dreams...just left me? That we were supposed to be having kids right now and instead I'm worried about if were even going to be M?

I don't know what to say to this one. At all. I have had to work...so hard, that it cost me my M. Does she still not see that? No, she wasn't with me when I was at the Academy and got my degree. She doesn't know that I took 7 classes every semester, plus military crap everyday, and I graduated with over 165credits. Average college kid takes 3 classes a semester...but she doesn't know I struggled and almost didn't graduate from there.

Things have NOT come easy. The reason they seem easy to her now is because she doesn't realize what I gave up to make sure that WE, our family, would be able to be financially set. I did not want to work from 5am-830pm everyday. I did not (to an extent) want to really go to Airborne/Ranger/XYZ school, deploy for a year, and be gone from her for more than we were together. But I did it because it was my job and I was trying to provide for her (and be super awesome)

And this is where it becomes ME, ME, ME. Here's my tough love for the day. The way you're talking to us....is that how you talked to your wife? I understand where you're coming from, but from my perspective, it is chock full of superiority. I did this FOR YOU. I SACRIFICED this FOR YOU. You wanted to provide yourself and your wife an awesome life, but you're resenting her for it at the same time. Did she ever ask you to do these things? Did she want to have the same things that you did? Or did you assume that this is what she wanted, and provided it for her, and resented her in the process because giving her what you think she wanted came at your expense?

You obviously worked hard -- and I admire that. But you can't blame your W for the choices that YOU made, regardless if they were for her or not.

I want to be honest with her. I want to tell her the things that I struggle with right now (besides R/M stuff). I want to tell her what I just said.

God, no. Not the way you typed it. Perhaps a more slimmed down, modified version. PLEASE PLEASE type here before you send it to your W.

And I gave up everything to make sure that my W got the best that I could do for her.

Again, did she say to you, T -- I want you to give up everything so that I can have the best life possible. Really think about this.