Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[HPoirot]

Reposting a post I found on LITB's thread which really helped me today...

Here's some absolutely great advice from Greg. Thanks, Greg.
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Do you feel like you can't go on? Like your world is nothing without your spouse?
Well... YOUR FEELINGS ARE DECEIVING YOU. You can go on, and you can have a great life without your spouse.

After marriage, you both come to rely on one another for many things; love, confidence, security, and many other physical, psychological, and material needs.

But, how did you survive on your own before you were married? Could you survive on your own before you were married? Are you surviving on your own now? Legitimate questions here folks.

Marriage requires a certain amount of co-dependency from each spouse as noted above. Here's the kicker: You have to learn to be independent before you can successfully be co-dependent. This is not a one-way street either, both spouses must learn to fend for themselves.

Giving your walkaway forgiveness, time, and space to develop or recapture their sense of self-worth (the soul?) and individualism is the BEST thing you can do for your troubled relationship.

And You. You need to build/maintain your own unique individualism, and be comfortable on your own before your walkaway spouse will see you in a positive light. These positive changes are what manifest into major doubts for the walkaway spouse as to whether or not they are doing the right thing by leaving you. The right thing meaning, the right thing for THEM. After all, this really is about them.

Worrying, begging, pleading, obsessing, negativity, and the list goes on, are all extremely counterproductive to your efforts. These are traits of a person who depends on other people to make them happy and get them through life. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a person who acts in these ways? Well, your walkaway spouse doesn't either. The truth is, other people can't MAKE you happy, they can only make you happier than you already are. True happiness comes from you and only you.

So, is this crisis in your life really a crisis, or an opportunity for personal growth in disguise?

People, please take care of yourselves FIRST. It will do incredible things for you and your relationship.

Peace.
G

[HPoirot]

Another good post to remember and what I'm going to restart doing now...

In regards to the WAW.
PICNIC ANALOGY:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.

[LisaB]

Hi HP, just wanted to say happy new year to you!

I did the polar bear swim on new years day in 40 degree water when it was below freezing out and I thought of you and your icy showers! Wow that really gets the adrenaline pumping. Maybe I should start doing it myself but I do love my hot showers.

Thanks for posting that stuff from "Greg". Really good stuff. Also, you are doing great, keep it up. I too have been working on detaching and now am considering being friendly and supportive. Showing empathy instead of defensive anger. I think it is better for my soul.

Good luck to us!

Hugs, Lisa

Oh and PS don't give the computer to your son to let your wife see it. Bad idea. The keystroke recorder will only hurt you. Don't do it!

[HPoirot]

Quote from Band of Brothers that applies...

We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function. Without mercy. Without compassion. Without remorse. All war depends upon it.

My marriage is dead.

My life is good.

Carry on.

[SemperFi00]

HP, love the reference. Have been following your situation and sounds like for the most part you have things controlled.

Not much to add - got some upsetting news today from courts related to upcoming date that I wan't aware.

Guess we are all in a battle of sorts.....

Stay strong!

[3kids]

Hp, you have helped me more than you will ever know. I also am in the same place as you. Your sich and you have helped me without even knowing it. Keep going you got this!

[HPoirot]

Thank you LIsaB, SemperFi00, and 3kids. It is so nice of you all to say I'm doing great and "I have things controlled." Wow... really? You guys really help me b/c sometimes I feel... well wait... I'm not going to say what I was about to say.

Reality is I am taking control of what I can... my actions and responses... and I'm getting better everyday. That's all.

Very nice of you 3kids to say I'm helping you. I am humbled. I saw in your thread your W saying you are not thinking about her (b/c you are not returning her contacts). Interesting she would say that or care in current circumstances. My W also expressed I'm avoiding her and not "facing this head on" with her.

Interesting how they leave us but want us to think of them or respond to them. That's what DB coach was saying today... just be responsive and friendly neighborish more b/c somehow that's what they don't expect but want. But we all know that.

Just don't show your anger like I have. I see that's the most important thing for me regarding interactions. The last time my W called me crying about what she is doing... reaching out to me with something to say... I blew up at her and cursed at her and told her how to feel and what she should do. All seemed very logical to me but as we know words don't help at all.

Anyway... back to it then. Lot of work tomorrow to shut down the old home... then the movers come the next day. Then W has no home and no car. I could have never imagined this just 4 months ago.

For the past year I've been wanting freedom. I had been calling it time freedom... time to make my own choices and do what I want to do. I thought that meant my own online business. And it still could. But... I'm free now aren't I? Hmm...

[HPoirot]

Day #21...

I woke up shaky this morning. I woke up a couple times during the night thinking about my W's A. My mind gets to a point thinking that way then I wake up and the thoughts are still there and growing. I'm recognizing the triggers that bring this on. Not as bad as weeks ago... but worse then it has been. I used stop thoughts, counting my breaths, and took a sleeping pill middle of the night. Not great.

I'm now committed to cracking the door open for friendliness with my W. See... just typing that brought up a negative feeling in me. I can remember she's a good person in pain b/c it helps me feel better about what I choose to do here. This is hard and will take conscious decisions by me minute to minute to keep thinking my W is a good person and I empathize with her feelings. Minute to minute. I relax and accept that. When I choose to relax and surrender to all this as much as I can, thinking my wife is a good person is not as hard. Being angry is just the easier choice.

And just that fast doubts and images of her in WAW action bubble up. Choose to relax. Minute to minute.

Time for breakfast, ice cold shower, and then off to the old home to pack. She won't be back with S11 from their trip to the mountains until late this evening. It could be a good time to choose to spend a few minutes around her. I'll decide later. There are those doubts again. And anger.

Minute to minute.

This is hard.

[jim0987]

HP you keep making good progress. Keep it going.

Like others have said I think you will really benefit from practice's to calm your mind. Personally I think you might also need to find a healthy outlet for your anger, I might be wrong but I get the sense that sometimes you are trying to dismiss it or suppress it, rather than process it.

I was going to expand on that picnic metaphor you found (I liked that), but it got a but tangential. So instead I simply say, whatever she has done wrong you're wife is in a lot if pain and she (rightly or wrongly) sees you as at least part of the cause. She is wounded and scared, if you see her like this its much easier to feel compassion (not pity) and I think that's the emotion you need to be able to safely open that door a crack

[Sotto]

I read that it's good to bash pillows on the bed with a rolled up newspaper for 5 mins and rant & rave. You feel angry and it needs an outlet. But that outlet shouldn't be your W.
Find another way, so that you can release your anger and hopefully feel calmer when you see your W.

Maybe you could set some mini targets, so you can take baby steps with her. What would be a 180 from some of your previous 'tense' interactions with her? Choose a little something and give it a try, and remember, this isn't about her, it's about you learning to link positively with someone that you feel angry with - and that's for your own (and your S's sake.) Tell yourself that, if nothing else, you guys are going to have to co-parent, so best if things are as pleasant as you can make them.