I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

Today I finally got an answer to why he wants a D. I am not proud of how it came about. I had another break down telling him how I don't know how we can be civil about this divorce when I feel like he is being so dishonest and secretive about everything. I went on and on about how I always made every decision based on him and always put him first in everything, and he kind of snapped saying that he never came first and I never thought of him.

It was the first time he sounded so completely honest and was actually direct about how he has been feeling. It wasn't like last time when he kind of hinted by saying "I am going to surround myself with people who are supportive of me". this was an honest statement about how he felt neglected by me. Again, I failed to validate--I defended but maybe it was kind of validating.

I said, "I always thought of you and what I thought you wanted me to do, but you never told me what you wanted or needed from me, and when I would run things by you, you always just yessed me. How was I supposed to know that I wasn't meeting your needs?" Then I said, "I'm so sorry you felt that way during our marriage. It wasn't my intention. I thought I was putting you first but I guess I wasn't doing the right things."

The weird thing is that I felt good after that encounter--like now that I know the answer I can move on. I can stop obsessing about where he is and what he is doing (although I'm afraid that might come back again). I left him a message after saying that I was going to take the dog back with me to my parents and that I appreciated his honesty. I feel better knowing why he doesn't want to be married anymore, and I am sorry I let him down.

Now the goal is to leave it at that and not try to pursue. The only thing I am thinking now is that maybe we can just get a separation through mediation through his uncle, although I am still not sure if I trust H completely. Those few moments of pure honesty was enough for me to relax, but I'm not sure I trust it completely. And since I am someone who acts based on emotion I always end up making hasty decisions that I later regret.

I know we need to separate. I don't know if that means I really am done with the marriage.