Thank you so much again for posting. Really love your insight here.
I haven't heard from my dad yet but I'm hoping no news is good news.
You hit the nail on the head by saying talking to my H isn't satisfying and that he doesn't know what I'm going through. For him, life is sweet. He doesn't have to worry about any of the financial concerns I have, he gets his cake and eats it to, and he gets what he wants... a D. I hear him talk about his confusion and being lost and it's so hard not to want to hear what he's thinking or how he's feeling. I think a part of me hopes he is hurting, hopes he is struggling. Because right now my pain is isolating, and I feel like I am the only one in my world who feels this way. I'm desperate to find another who is grieving the way I do. I think that's why I spend so much time on here. But even so, I long for that connection with someone in my everyday life.
I guess I just felt like since he seems so sure of his decision and what he wants, I find it weird that he feels like a dirtbag. I would expect him not to feel guilt, to be so certain of his choices that feeling like this is the "right thing to do" would release any of that. I asked him if it was the sex that is making him feel this way and he said "it's just everything". Maybe it's just me, but usually when I know something is right I don't worry about anything else.
Part of me telling him he is a good person has been trying to get rid of his guilt. I had read that the more guilt a WAS has, the harder it is to come home because they are so ashamed. So I was telling him he is a good person because I thought this would ease any tension and give me the best chances it could. It's also hard for me to watch someone I love struggle and not want to help. But I guess I have to remind myself that it's all give and no take in this situation. Everything is on his terms, for his benefit. Why should I continue to feed into that? It serves me or S8 no purpose.
You are right-- actions speak louder than words and right now his actions are saying D. Is it weird that I feel like H is walking off a cliff and I keep running after him telling him to stop, to turn back, that this isn't right? I just truly believe in my heart this is a mistake, that this isn't right. That we are giving up too easily. My IC keeps telling me to remember that this isn't my choice. But I always have this urge, this feeling, like I need to keep trying harder to keep him from making this huge mistake. I wonder if anyone else feels this way in situations like this?
The truth is, I don't know how to be assertive without being mean, or hypocritical. I don't know how to set boundaries without coming across as cold or upset. And I don't know how to move on with my life when I'm still so in love and so committed to my H. I think a lot about moving away and running from all of this. I know it would be cowardly and I know it isn't the right choice to make here. But I fail to see how I can move past this and be happy.
I think a part of my enabling H by telling him he is a good person is also me trying to convince myself that I can forgive him. I am trying so hard not to be swallowed by bitterness, anger, and hate that I feel. I am trying so hard to not get lost in all of these feelings I have that cause me so much despair and just lead to me asking Why? Why me? How could he do this?
So many (almost all of) my friends fuel these feelings constantly by bashing H and telling me I should be so angry and upset. Even my family does the same. And my IC has even encouraged an angry side of me. I'm beginning to wonder if there's truth to any of that, or if they are just poisoning my thoughts.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
