Calibri - you can do this. I understand a lot of what you talk about, the agonizing, analyzing, and grieving for the W/H role and the years. I've cried my eyes out over it too.
But what if we spend 15' more each day in 2015 imagining the joy and freedom that might be around the corner even if our worst fears about this loss come true? My goal is to legitimately imagine a better life without Florence's 'Heavy in Your Arms' being my life soundtrack with him. 15' more a day I quit thinking about the last thing he said, if I'll hear from him again...what a sad sack I've become. My H knows I heard him, knows I want to work things out and where I'm committed to change...he pissed all over it so I'm onto dimming/going dark and told him I'd be working on moving on with my life because I accept his feelings about us. I don't know why I was so intent to love an obviously troubled man in the first place. I did, I'll feel gratitude for those years, and I'm choosing to let him go now. If he returns, maybe he was mine to begin with blah blah blah, but what is the point in working harder for your relationship, always?
If these guys can find the strength to start looking for stability and happiness in their own lives, take responsibility for it, we might have a chance to do something with all the introspection and growth their walking away has brought. Your H is making his choices every day. It's tempting with DR to believe we can influence and get the responses we want through those techniques, but kicking them out of our head, GAL and leaving the door cracked may be the only real peace to be had instead of hoping those things will get a marriage back on track. You sound strong, hilarious and deserving of so much joy - I hope you find that joy in your days and let him work out what he has to without jerking you around.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
