Separated and Need HELP!

[melissag]

First off, how is your Dad? I hope it was a false alarm and he is OK.

It's hard when the only person in your life who knows what you're truly going through is also the person you're trying to detach from.

Yes, it is incredibly difficult when you are having trouble and the person you want to talk to is the one who is causing the trouble. But I think you are fooling yourself if you think that your H knows what you are going through. I highly doubt that. In any event, this is why you need to move forward with your life and find other trusted friends/relatives to talk to (and keep coming here!). Talking with your H about how you feel is not going to be a satisfying conversation for you right now.

He said he woke up yesterday morning feeling like a dirtbag, even though he didn't do anything the night before (NYE). This made me wonder if maybe he met someone, or kissed someone, or actually did do something. He seems to be feeling an awful lot of guilt for someone who didn't do anything.

Think about it. He just dropped the bomb on you and he knows he is f-ing up your life and your S8's life, and yet he is still sleeping with you and getting pleasure out of your relationship. He is getting everything he wants at your expense. Of course he feels like a dirtbag. The problem is that it doesn't stop him. So I think that is where you need to have boundaries.

I tried to validate and tell him that he wasn't a bad person, but this was internally hard for me. I kept thinking that the fact that he had done this to me and S8 isn't necessarily the makings of a good person. Should I be validating hear or acknowledging that his feelings are on point with the situation?

Validating isn't telling him he is a good person. Validating is saying, "I can see that you are upset by this," or, "that must be hard." Why would you tell him he's a good person? Let him take responsibility and feel the consequences of his actions, Faith. Stop enabling him to hurt you. Look, if he wants a D, you're not going to stand in his way, but you're not going to tell him that it's OK and he's a great person. Are you?

I finished the conversation by saying that I was going to keep my distance from him and wouldn't put him in anymore situations where the desire to get physical is there.

You said it. Now do it.

I've been trying to tell myself that if this makes H truly happy, then all of the pain I go through will be worth it. Selfless love. But when I see him doubting or uncertain of these decisions, it's hard to think any of this is worth it, or right.

I think you have to get yourself out of this mindset. He has made it clear what he wants, so you need to accept that and stop hanging on this idea that he is questioning it. He SAYS he is questioning it and he is confused, and he sleeps with you and all that, but in the end, Faith, he filed for divorce. That speaks greater than any of those other things. Unless and until he withdraws his D petition, assume he wants to get divorced and don't drive yourself crazy wondering about the rest of it.

This is truly the hardest thing I've ever done. So many ups and downs. So many highs and lows.

I never had any idea how difficult divorce was until I went through it myself. Just keep moving forward (without your H!) and you will get through this.