Mornings are the hardest. H came over yesterday morning and taught me totally off guard. He took down our Christmas lights and spent some time with S8.
He briefly asked me how my NYE was and I said good. I asked him how his party was and he said "just okay". The truth is, my night was horrible. I attempted to go out with friends and once we got to the bar I couldn't shake the feeling that I was totally alone. I ended up going home by 10:45 and going straight to bed. It didn't feel like the new year, just another hard night. The truth is, NYE will always be bittersweet for me. When H and I first started dating, he slept with someone on NYE and lied to me about it. This started our relationship off on the wrong foot and I wonder how much different things would have been have the resentment and trust issues not been there.
I got a call that my dad was being admitted to the hospital last night for a potential heart attack, so I asked H to stay the night in case I needed to leave. He agreed.
A little later after S8 went to bed I went out to talk with H because I couldn't sleep. I debated doing this because I wasn't sure I wanted it to turn into something more or if I was just feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to. It's hard when the only person in your life who knows what you're truly going through is also the person you're trying to detach from.
We ended up ML and it was different this time. I almost felt a sadness from H and halfway through I told him he didn't have to continue but he said he wanted to. When we were done I also told him that we didn't have to ML anymore and he said he loves it but that it's messing with his head. He said he woke up yesterday morning feeling like a dirtbag, even though he didn't do anything the night before (NYE). This made me wonder if maybe he met someone, or kissed someone, or actually did do something. He seems to be feeling an awful lot of guilt for someone who didn't do anything.
H said he wakes up most days feeling like a bad person. And that he questions the decisions he's making constantly. I tried to validate and tell him that he wasn't a bad person, but this was internally hard for me. I kept thinking that the fact that he had done this to me and S8 isn't necessarily the makings of a good person. Should I be validating hear or acknowledging that his feelings are on point with the situation?
I finished the conversation by saying that I was going to keep my distance from him and wouldn't put him in anymore situations where the desire to get physical is there. He thanked me for talking to him yesterday and for "taking the next step" with him. I said of course. Then I went to bed.
This morning before H left for work he came in and told me to have a good day. Then he just stood at the foot of the bed looking at me for a long time so I finally asked if everything was okay. He waited for a few seconds and then asked "everything is going to be okay, right" and I just said "I hope so". H kind of chuckled a little bit and said "me too". Then he left.
I've been trying to tell myself that if this makes H truly happy, then all of the pain I go through will be worth it. Selfless love. But when I see him doubting or uncertain of these decisions, it's hard to think any of this is worth it, or right.
This is truly the hardest thing I've ever done. So many ups and downs. So many highs and lows.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
