Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[TLEE86]

C- thanks for the check in, I will respond shortly, just had something come up that actually goes along with a lot of what you are saying.

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So since we've had that $ talk, W has said things feel weird between us and there is distance. Here's just a few main points from text convo this morning...

Me: W, why do you think things are weird between us?

W: Because I don't know what to talk about with you, just like you have things going on in your life and things you worry about that you don't tell me, so do I and that creates distance.

Me: I don't tell you things because you don't ask. And the few times you do ask and I tell you, you ignore what I have to say.

W: I don't ask because I don't want to know about your life there. I didn't say I don't wanna know because I don't care. I don't want to know because I don't want to know about something I was going to be apart of but aren't. I don't tell you things because you cant relate and its all negative so I feel there is no point

W: I'm stressed about my future, making it on my own right now, finding a place I feel good about that I can afford, if I need to find a weekend job, how to ever go to school, have time for the dog, if I want to add a second job. I hate that it seems like you never have to struggle and why you always have everything come so easy to you. You never have to worry about anything and if you wanted you could be set for the rest of your life and I don't feel like I'll ever get that. So no, you cant relate

Me: I will email/text you in a little bit W, and I can understand why you feel that way. I want to put some thought into what you said because it means a lot to me.
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First, I'm going to pat myself on the back for not responding right away to her last comment because I really do need to think about this one and not blurt out something.

My W has ALWAYS felt the need to compare herself to me, and compare herself to ALL of our friends and has always felt inferior to them on a...education/work/life experience level. I used to do a good job making her feel better but I failed at that over time. When I got angry, everything became MINE, so obviously she didn't feel like an equal.

W would say things like...you've done so much in your life- went to the Academy got your degree, deployed, went to XYZ Army Schools, and have your future set. Me (W), I have been a house wife for my entire life and don't have a degree, and have never held a stable job.

Again, a lot of this is by choice. I PUSHED HER to go to school, and ENCOURAGED HER (to an extent) to work. But it was HER CHOICE not to. This is why I keep saying that (and W agrees) a lot of this is about her. She is, IMHO, having a quarter century crisis, her own WTF am i doing with my life moment. Which is why she is so focused on now she is "FORCED" to work and go to school.

Her concerns are two parts: her own stuff, and how she thinks i don't worry or i am set

1. I don't know what to say to her first part. Sounds like she does have a lot going through her head. I am not sure if i just say "W, I completely understand you are concerned and stressed about your future. That is a lot to deal with. But I have complete confidence in you that you can do anything you put your mind to. Don't worry about Dog1, she will be fine, you know that. Just take her out when you have time"

My own thoughts? If she gets a weekend/2nd job, she will never have time for school. She barely has time for school now. Her day goes from 530am-615pm everyday and she just sleeps after. I have always encouraged her that she should just go to school w/o working, knock it out (she has maybe 1.5-2years left), and then get started on her career. I brought that up the other day, but she shot it down.

2. She thinks things come easy for me. REALLY? I never have to worry about anything. Thats what she really thinks? Guess its not surprising since she has thought that about me for our whole M. The last part, "my future is set" really gets me. Does she not realize that my W..my 2nd W who is the girl of my dreams...just left me? That we were supposed to be having kids right now and instead I'm worried about if were even going to be M?

I don't know what to say to this one. At all. I have had to work...so hard, that it cost me my M. Does she still not see that? No, she wasn't with me when I was at the Academy and got my degree. She doesn't know that I took 7 classes every semester, plus military crap everyday, and I graduated with over 165credits. Average college kid takes 3 classes a semester...but she doesn't know I struggled and almost didn't graduate from there.

Things have NOT come easy. The reason they seem easy to her now is because she doesn't realize what I gave up to make sure that WE, our family, would be able to be financially set. I did not want to work from 5am-830pm everyday. I did not (to an extent) want to really go to Airborne/Ranger/XYZ school, deploy for a year, and be gone from her for more than we were together. But I did it because it was my job and I was trying to provide for her (and be super awesome)

I want to be honest with her. I want to tell her the things that I struggle with right now (besides R/M stuff). I want to tell her what I just said. Things have not come easy. And I gave up everything to make sure that my W got the best that I could do for her. All that was missing, was for her to make her own happiness. Her own fulfillness. And my inability to communicate my stresses to her.

Thoughts? How should I answer her 2 concerns?