So i'm 4 months and 9 threads in, not where i wanted to be but when i first got here everyone said its a long haul and requires patience and compared to some of you good people i'm just getting started.
so if you havent followed, are new, or simply lost track heres what you need to know about our current situation
Me - I'm not even vaguely detached and am heartbroken from this everytime i see my wife (everyday due to in house seperation). - I have no doubt of my wish to reconcile - I'm doing my best and I think a pretty good job of showing my wife a happy, just get on with things side and i have no idea how she is percieving this, though if anything i would say she is more distant now than at any time since BD. She has certainly noticed my attitude change on a bunch of domestic mundanary - I know a lot of what i did wrong and i know what i need to learn for the future and i feel like i'm doing a pretty good job of it (IC is really helping). I just need to make it feel a little more natural and the big things (being emotionally available at times of crisis) havent been tested yet, likewise its difficuly to show my more affectionate fun side when not in a relationship - Still doing a lot of analysis and rumination but practicing mindfulness to get this in check. I'm also aware that the rumination is harmful and i can control it which is a big step in itself. - I swing between feeling guilty about how awful I now realise I was and thinking why would she ever coming back, to reading some of the other situations on here and thinking that compared to some of the WAH husbands that some truly great women are standing for on these boards, i dont think i was that bad. - GAL activities have taken a dent due to a self inflicted busted foot but still doing what i can.
My wife - Very keen to move out as soon as possible - Seems increasingly uncomfortable in my presence and seems to be annoyed when I play with the kids or am friendly with her mum. - is in a relationship with OM1, which was on and off for a couple of months as she pursued and he enjoy the benefits but didnt want more. during the lowest part of this my wife warmed to me slightly but since he has decided he does want a relationship the ice shutters slammed back down on me. (she lies about there being OM) - she lives in her phone and continues to message her poisonous friend 50+ times a day - She has started doing a lot of the things she always said she wanted to do but didnt and blames me for not doing these things before (I never stopped her but she feels I did) - Although she has non-specifically said she is partly responsible for the breakdown of our marriage it appears that she blames me for over 90% of it (if not 100%). She doesnt appear to take responsibility and prefers to protray me as a controlling and emotionally abusive bully who always let her down when she needed me. - She has not given any indication of any doubts or second thoughts and has openly said that she 'hasnt shed a single tear' and 'cant be divorced from me soon enough'
Whats next in our relationship - Outside of limited interactions at home we have been effectively no contact except about logistics since end of sept 2014. Wife definitely seems to prefer this. - Wife wants to be moved out by 20th January at the very latest - Siginificant disagreement over the financial settlement (W tried to change the deal on 22nd December) - A debate over the childcare arrangements will be needed in teh next couple of weeks - Divorce proceedings are likely to follow shortly after she moves out. My intent is to take no action and then respond when she issues the petition stating her behaviour was unreasonable in her pursuit of a relationship with OM1
Whats in store for 2015 - I will continue my self improvement and IC. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff but actually im doing better about a lot of things - A big goal for the early part is to get my focus back as quickly as i can as this situation has been too much of a distraction to my work, my conversations and my time with my kids for too long. - I've improved my relationship with friends and relatives - I've got some exciting projects coming up at work and my general work stress should go down - I'm waiting on the NHS referral with regard to the possibility that I have some sort of ADD or Aspergers. This will likely affect how I need to approach some things do but actually i'm starting to realise that the things i need to do are the things i need to regardless of the outcome of this assessment.
What does this all mean for my situation well I feel quite positive about me but not very positive about the prospects for my relationship. DB talks about keeping the road home paved and smooth but actually between my wifes actions, what she has said about me, and my reactions to all of this (particularly first few weeks) we've done a pretty good job of cluster bombing that road. Either way that road wont get a look in while OM1 is all new and shiny.
So for all of us 2015 is a big year, I hope by 2016 that i will be able to be on these boards offering advice as someone who successfully reconciled their marriage (or at least is piecing it back together) or in the absence of that then i will be a in a relaxed, positive and detached place where I no longer miss my wife.
As always thanks for the help, advice and the support.
I wish you all well for the new year and hope that you acheive all of the goals you have for you and your families.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
