Card29 IX - New Year, New Card

[Card29]

I don't know what all I've disclosed. She was not simply an angel poisoned by my porn, though. (although, again, i own my role...I did not provide a healing environment for herr but wtf, I wasn't a psychiatrist. I did my best, as best as I knew how. I was a f'ng kid, really).

And I have mentioned this, but not sure who knows. Her dad cheated on her mom when she was about 12, and left the family with OW. They're still married to this day. Who knows what that did to her, but I believe it is the most impactful event in her life.

Let me state again. I LOVE WAW. I'm crying for her right now because I know she is in so much pain. I know she hates herself. I don't want her to hate herself any more. She has for years. She told me recently she liked me so much when we met, and she thought she had to have sex with me to keep me there. Even though I loved her because she was funny, loving, understanding. I didn't even want the sex at first. She didn't think just herself was good enough for me, even though that's why I was there to begin with. It kills me to know she doesn't feel that love for herself, that she doesn't feel worthy. I don't say any of the "high horse" stuff as a high-nosed judge. I really believe she has major problems that I can't fix. What I meant to say earlier is that I COULD get past the A. I don't know if I can get past the doubt that another would come down the road, or a "simple" divorce after more futile years. I want love and a family for life. I don't know if I can have that with her.