Card29 IX - New Year, New Card

[Card29]

I have owned and owned and owned my porn problem as well as the damage it did to our M. I have continued to own it in the last 24 hours. And of course I would not expect her to stay in an M where she felt used and violated. It makes me sick to think I made her feel like that. But a lot of that comes from within her. She pressured ME into sex when we were dating. I wanted to wait for marriage (she'd already been with multiple partners, including one in her dorm bed about an hour before we made out in the same bed, just before we were official dating). She seduced me for weeks before I gave in. It was not sweet, affectionate seduction. It was dirty talk, telling me all of the things she wanted me to do to her. Then she had me go buy a sexual positions book so we could do different things. But it's all my fault that our sex didn't have intimacy? I wasn't ready and knew it, but eventually I agreed. And I didn't even know books like that existed, yet suddenly I'm studying advanced rear entry positions with her, per her wish. Now I have a new porn fetish to look up...exotic positions! But of course it's all my fault that our sex life lacked intimacy.

But what I would expect is her to TELL me she felt violated. I had no idea. Yes, I was naive. I was ignorant. I was unskilled. I meant the best for my W. I always wanted her to be happy but I didn't know how to help her there, nor how to see just how desperate she was. But if she had just told me, "I feel violated when we have sex", that would have shook me to my core, and maybe I would have learned years ago what I've learned since BD. I am not a sexually demanding H. I did not pressure her into sex any more than the obligation she felt as a W pressured her. I just thought she didn't like sex (all of that crazy sex talk ended like 6 months after we started having sex), so I thought I was a good H for her since I was happy with her even though we'd go weeks without sex. Oh, and for the last several years, I was the one who tried to kiss her during sex, but she just wanted me to "get it over with". I was too ignorant to see the gravity of her words.

Yes, I know what role porn played in our M. I know she didn't just up and decide to cheat on me. And I have done EVERYTHING I can to eliminate porn from my life once and for all. So far it has been successful (August 2014). I feel sexually healthy for the first time in my life. But I don't know if I want to invest the next chapter of my life in her.

I'm not making any rash decisions. I am just spilling my heart. Swing 2x4's as you see fit, but also maybe give me a break. I just found out I was sharing my wife. This whole time I thought she was simply depressed, trying to find herself, out of hope for us. I did not believe she was in an affair. Everyone else saw it, but I didn't. Oh, and this isn't the first time she has cheated in an R. She had a whirlwind engagement when she was 18. She cheated on that guy 6 weeks in. And I mentioned her having sex with a guy in her bed when she was 19, knowing full well I was coming over later to make out. I would really feel like a fool if I wasted all of this suffering, discovery and work, not to mention the remainder of my child-making (?) years, only to be cheated on again in the future. Yes, I know so much more about how to "affair-proof" a M, but even IF she wanted to reconcile (to which she had given zero indication), she's not ready to do the work to get there.

I'm just being honest. This is where I stand TONIGHT.