Wife having emotional affair part 4

[3kids]

I hope the new year will bring everyone great happiness!

Last night I think I had an epiphoni. God showed me signs and I listened. I learnt a lot about me and my situation and the wife.

First let's start out by saying I haven't been in a good place lately. Been hitting the bottle more than I should have. Had an argument with the wife yesterday afternoon and it got pretty heated. It all started with my oldest going up fishing with his grandpa. I was going to pick him up Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. He called and asked if he could stay up till the afternoon. I said sure not thinking anything of it. But it was exchange time with wife and she got very angry because it totally screwed up her plans of New Years. During the heated discussion I said some mean things to her. Towards her morals and not thinking about the kids. Even let her know that I was hurting. Because of Christmas and New Year's Eve. But that's ok because I was hurting. It was my first Christmas with out waking up with them on that day and also my first New Years with out celebrating with them. But I also let her know next year she will have the same thing. My emotions where high and I did not catch my self and brought up the divorce. How come she hasn't done anything on it yet.

What I realized was that she just wants to play out her fantasy to see if it will work out. She gave me a lot of info that I didn't know. She does not want the divorce. She even said fine you go and get all the paper work and we will do it. This person doesn't want to divorce me. She just wants to have her fantasy and keep me as a back up when it fails. She told me you don't know me and what's in my head. That's why she's not going to move in with him because she just doesn't know yet. She feels like I'm avoiding her by not calling her back or answering her texts. She made a comment that I'm not thinking of her anymore.

What this means to me because god showed me is. After all my attempts to go out last night. I didn't because I was drinking. So I dumped all my alcohol down the drain. It kept me from enjoying the night. With her I am avoiding her. I can answer the phone and just keep it short and simple and act like I'm busy. I can tell that by the phone convo today. I knew the kids forgot there snow pants at my house. So I put the spare key back for them. She called and I answered. She asked if she can run over and grab them. I said I'm not home but the kids know where the spare key is. She said oh your at work(mostly when I answer her phone calls). I said no and the kids know where they are and nicely hung up.

I'm not focusing on me and my kids right now and I need to. I bought a book today. Codependant no more, and I'm really excited to read it. I thought of a ton of activities that I want to try for me and the kids. Got my hands on a community guide book for cheap ideas.

For the first time in a month. I feel control coming back and I like it a a lot. Yes I messed up with the angry convo with the wife but it's over. Move on!

Unsure on how I should handle the boys birthdays. Do I try to keep them seperate. Her do her thing and I do the same. Or do I show the confident man and say sure we can have a dinner with them.

It's a new year and a new 3kids! Looking forward to it!