Aaawwww, thank you so much uR, Bright, GB, Gwen and Mighty!! Your support means the world to me. I'm not going anywhere, at least for a while.
The board is wonderful. Standing is wonderful. ALL OF YOU make it wonderful.
Yep, Mighty, something was definitely going on. As much as I post all my thoughts in unabreviated long-form, it is when I'm quiet that the deepest thoughts are processed.
I worked through some deep stuff. I needed clarity. I needed to mentally live through what reconciling would look like from all angles. I needed to decide what I want for myself and my life. I needed to decide if I can get where I want to go, if I'm still standing for my M.
I actually couldn't even force myself to post a few times. I just didn't care enough anymore about my sitch.
Here's the thing of all this:
I don't feel like I have given up, nor do I feel I have failed. It's weird. I feel more like I'm choosing differently. Not that I can't choose him again if I want to a hundred years from today. Just not now.
I loved him so much. Omg it was insane. I still love the man I married. I will always love the man he was. He isn't that man now. I can't watch him do this to himself anymore. I can't be connected to him. It's unhealthy for me. I can't let my thoughts of him hold me back from taking care of me and my kids. I can't allow it to affect how I love MYSELF. I have to turn around and go my own way.
It's not what I wanted. It is accepting what is.
I used to be afraid he wouldn't ever want me again. Now I'm afraid he will.
I'm ready to truly and completely, leave him to his journey. And I feel good and strong about this. I have finally let him go.
It's now the alternative that gives me anxiety. <<<<<<That's my biggest "shift."
I love you guys. Thank you for being here. I'll continue to post, unless I'm voted off the island.
Since nothing has been filed, I'm afraid the fat lady hasn't even done her vocal warm-ups yet.
