High school sweethearts, married 20 years Since about 2010 knew " something wasn't right" with H. Became moody and very different personality. Started buying lots of motorized toys, having an EA with our friend/neighbor. In late 2012 told me he wasn't sure our marriage was going to work- said he was " deprioritized" and I wasn't meeting his needs. I do have a very demanding job and was building a new practice during all this so I tried to change as much as I could and work on things that I knew were issues ( including a somewhat SSM for years). Nothing I did seemed to be enough. Then in Sept 2013 he told me he was seeking out a divorce. I was shocked. Despite all our issues- I didn't expect him to do that. Found DB/DR 3 days later and realized this is MLC. He moved out Oct 1 and filed Oct 10.
Moved back in Jan 2014 because he was suicidal. Got on AD, going to IC but still not sure about relationship. Moved back out early May saying he just felt he needed to move forward with the divorce in order to get through everything he needs to deal with. Dec of 2014, a year and a few months after first filing for D and two days before our 21st anniversary, he sent me full D papers with terms very different than we had discussed. We are now in the process of redoing those terms and I am trying to move forward as best I can.
So today I'm feeling a bit confused and upset. I got a text a few days ago from our friend/neighbor ( the former EA, our kids are best friends) about coming over this Fri night for adult game night. It was formed in the manner of a group text but sent only to me- I wondered if I had been an afterthought or she was just keeping rings separate. I said I would go- no need to be a hermit- and she and her husband are doing well and all involved realized they were wrong to become so close. I figured H and other mutual friends might be invited too but didn't think much about it. So today H called about some other things he asked if I was going to the game night. When I said I was planning on it he said good. Seemed genuine. Then he asked if the kids could all hang out at my house and I said that would be fine. After I hung up I felt sad and out of sorts though. My brain stated wandering..... Maybe she did invite me as an afterthought and checked with him to be sure it was ok. Maybe I shouldn't go and just hang with the kids. But my nanny and her fiancé are going and I don't want to look like the gilted chic who snubs them all. Uggh this is so freaking complicated!! This group of friends isn't totally going away for either of us but it makes me feel like I want to crawl in a hole. Part of it I know is that I haven't fully worked through the pain of the EA. And I know that her H had issues with my H for awhile for the same reason but all of us are intertwined between work, living location and kids so making the best of it is necessary.
I guess I'll just see how I feel. Getting it out in written form helps me feel a little better. I'm singing in the lifeboat damm!t!!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I think what I'm missing in this is what it is YOU want out of it? Why it is you still live and interact with these same people if it makes you uncomfortable? Or better yet, why you worry about how you'll look to them?
You still talk to your H. He doesn't seem to be dealing with things very well if he's suicidal and wants to divorce etc.
How about you? How are you in all of this, game night and social circles aside?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I continue to interact with some of these people because A- I would like to cultivate more of a friendship with her as we have a lot in common and I really like her. I think she was more naive when it came to the EA and how it happened- and might not even realize the extent of feelings my H developed. And B- these are the parents of kids best friends whom we also carpool to and from school with and my nanny helps with all of those arrangements as well. I can't fully shut them out and they aren't going anywhere- they live next door. The more I distance myself ( which I did during the EA b/c I was so hurt) the more I end up not being as up on what's going on with my kids because of how much they all interact day to day with them. If my H wasn't going I would have no issues with going. But since he is, and so are a couple other friends of his ( mine too but less so) that all worked together at one time, I feel like I will be uncomfortable more because it reminds me of the left out feelings I had before all of this started with H but I knew something wasn't rigjt. I don't so much care what they think as much as I want to be able to march in there and participate despite all the history and BS. I don't want to not be a part of things that I would otherwise want to just because of H. This is why I'm so confused.
Otherwise I'm doing pretty ok I think, given everything going on. This is the first sad day I've had in awhile. Hopefully it will pass soon.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Meant to add that S19 and his girlfriend are invited too. Hate to miss time with them also.....
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Hmmm- new consequences for H to deal with tonight. S17 tslked to him about the fact that he wants to primarily live at my house. He's willing to go see H and stay with him some but not as often as he has been. ( To be clear it's not because he wants to live with me per se, but because this is what he identifies as home). He explained that he's struggling with the fact that he will be moving out for college in a year and a half and needs to further develop his identity and learn to take care of himself. I think much of it is normal teenage angst. He also talked about the animals ( 2 dogs, 2 cats) that he feels close to and wants to be with. H used to be ok with animals but since MLC gets annoyed with them and their normal messes so he doesn't have any. When H came downstairs after talking to S17 he seemed forlorn. He said he feels the kids should be influenced by both of us. I said I agree. He said but that won't happen if he stays here all the time. I didn't say anything in response. I was thinking to myself that he made this choice he had to realize things like this may happen- but in his MLC fog he thought it would all be fine. I do feel bad as I think it's impirtant for S17 to spend time with his dad and I'm willing to find ways for that to happen if he doesn't go over there. We also both know that D13 will protest as she's wanted to do the same thing. But this is the reality of breaking up your family while you " find yourself".
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
We tell our kids that all choices have consequences. It is not any different for adults. Children want to be close to the familiar when they are stressed. They crave stability and security. Your H is not able to offer that at all right now. You are handling this well but it is not your job to fix this either. Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I get it Daring. You are certainly a strong woman, that's for sure. That kind of thinking is not for the weak at heart
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
We teach our children that their are consequences for every decision. Adults are no different. MLC or not the world keeps turning. Glad you are feeling secure with your decisions these days. You are strong, capable and most definitely compassionate. I am beginning to understand the difference between empathy and trying to fix someone of something. Have a good weekend.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
