Married fast? Too late? Completely stuck :/

[Complex]

So I also wrote her a letter which I didn't send yet. I wonder if the timing is right.
I thought she might be a little more 'open' since she told me she missed me over the Christmas time so I can get through. But maybe I should just shut up and detach more, GAL and evaluate how she is dealing with everything now since I left for my vacation.

Here is the letter. I tried to keep it factual without blaming and showing more understanding and agreeing.
Intention of the letter is to make her feel I really understand now and that I'll move on with or without her. Then I basically want to go dark a bit and let my actions speak.

Should I send it or wait or does it even sound ok? Probably good to have an outside opinion:

Hi.
Just wanted to get some things straight before I come back.
I feel much better about everything. It was good to be gone for a while. Had a lot of time to think straight.
You were really right about the lacking deepness of our relationship. We got married too fast without really get to know each other and then failed making a real effort but I suppose we were honest about marrying each other. Or maybe your doubts where big before already and didn't justify a marriage in the first place. Problem is how can I know after what happened and how it happened? I'm sure you know what marriage means. You did not respect me recently and neither have you been honest and open...same counts for me. I wasn't the man I should've been, seems like I was still on 'vacation' and then got unhappy too. We were both very immature. We hardly talked about our future, dreams and fears just to name a few issues. Mostly my mistake honestly. I remember you trying to connect early in the marriage and I was always like 'it's all gonna be fine'. I'm so sorry.
You also know what I did to my ex. Similar story between us. Not enough communication about feelings, needs etc., no ability and effort to create a better connection, so we could work on things together. That lead to dragging around unhappiness and then in my case to cheating. When you talked to me finally it was too late already, you were gone. Then the efforts were shadowed by my inability to deal with it. But honestly I don't know if I would've understand it without the experience of the last few months even if we would've done it right. And we are humans after all. I forgive you..and myself. Our marriage went from white to black, which was so weird. And because of that I don't know how to trust you anymore. I'm even still not sure if you cheated on me or not, or how much contact there was and still is, because you haven't been honest to me in a long time. I want to know the truth. I'm sick of being treated the way you treat me. You don't need to be afraid to hurt me, truth hurts a lot but it hurts way less long than lies. Damage is done and like I said I will forgive but I don't need you to tell me the 'friend forever' thing just to make me feel better naming me all various reasons why I'm not for you etc. You don't need to tell me anything to make me feel better if its not true. You also should stop feeling so guilty. It is what it is and we should adult up!
So the separation is fine. We can discuss how exactly we are going to deal with it and what we are going to do. It's not what I want to happen but I won't be in your way.

Thanks for your time and advice guys!!!

[Mozza]

Sandi2 means that your W will want to decide everything: the schedule, the finances, your moods, your tone and topics of discussion, etc. If she doesn't impose her choices on all of this, she will at least limit what you can do and say. The solution applied around here is to define boundaries, whereby you decide on certain things about you that you won't accept, knowing that you can't control her behavior.

Reading around this board, the hardest part of the in-house separation seems to be detaching. Every day, every hour, your W will give you material to mind read, she'll surprise and disappoint you. If you want to see a good example of what it feels like, follow the sitch of jim0987.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2517929&gonew=1

[Mozza]

DB says: no letter. No words, only action. No "write-a-letter-and-THEN-speak-with-your-actions". If she opens up just a little (probably a polite "I miss you") and you ram through the opening with this kind of all-out charge, good luck seeing her open up any further. You have to show her that it's not risky for her to open up.

This letter is actually an excellent guide for you. I found in it plenty of actions for you to take.

- SHOW that you feel better about everything. Be pleasant and in a good mood around her.

- VALIDATE when she tells you about the shortcomings of your relationships. However, don't add the nuances that you then make in your letter. Read the Validation thread for inspiration.

- DON'T TALK about OM. Don't ask her if she's cheating on you because she won't suddenly tell you the truth. Also, you feed what you emphasize, and you don't want to feed this topic between the two of you.

- CREATE BOUNDARIES regarding truth. I'm not very knowledgeable about this, but you'll see other sitches where this is discussed.

- TELL HER (this is an exception to the actions-only principle!!) when the need arises that you don't want S but that you won't stand in her way.

Seeing your letter, there will be many things on the tip of your tongue and, given that you haven't read either books, I'm concerned that you will slip and unload all that you really want to tell her. Hopefully, you'll remember that none of this will help you. Otherwise, if the experience on this board is a guide, you'll be back here regretting your words...

Good luck.

[gan]

Take heed of Mozza's advice. Also there is much in that letter that could be interpreted as blaming. Don't go there!

[sandi2]

What do you wish to accomplish by giving her this letter?

[Complex]

What do you wish to accomplish by giving her this letter?

Intention of the letter is to make her feel I really understand now and that I'll move on with or without her. Then I basically want to go dark a bit and let my actions speak.

Ok, sounds like everyone is aggreeing on it to wait until WAW does the first step. Man this is going to be hard. I agree the letter sounds like hidden blaming.
I did the mistake of letters before and it didn't help. I'm glad I'm here!

[jim0987]

Hi

In house separation will be hard (mozza is right about my thread but I'd welcome any more advice/ideas). You might be able to control your behaviour but not necessarily how you feel or think. Like I said hard.

Don't send the letter. Letters generally bad no matter how well written. (Unless they are to yourself)

[sandi2]

What is your plan of action once you go home?

[Complex]

I just had a couple of bad days, cried again since 2 weeks. I'm afraid to go home.
I'm curious how my W is going to treat me, if she's going to say anything. We kept communication to the minimum te last few days. Man it's going to be rough.

My game plan when I'm home:
- Work a lot. I'll be out of town the next three weekends for work.
- GAL, start working out again. Going to find a workout class of some kind. Meet and go out with friends once in a while. I'll go to work related seminars, check out some different career chances/classes and keep educating myself. Become the fun me again.
- I'll sleep in the guest room, or make her do that (what's better?..probably me huh?).
- Keep communication to simple stuff, fun things, no R talk or whatsoever.
- I'll be very positive, have as much fun as my messed up brain will allow. Hide my bad emotions.
- Be myself but agree on what she says, stay calm and think twice before I say something. If I have the urge to do sth that won't help I'll leave the room.
- Stay active in this forum
- Find a counselor/therapist for myself, speak to someone
- Order DR from somewhere my wife won't notice and hide it^^
- Start a vacation savings box

What I'm not sure about: family obligations, join or not join? I thought as a rule of thump I wI'll say no to 50% of what my W will suggest for activities/obligations.
People will probably notice, how can I handle this? I really have issues with that I care too much what other people think. I'll be very embarrassed ...add this to my list what I want to improve on myself!

Comments and critic highly appreciated!!!!
My flight is in less than a day

[Complex]

Back home. My wife is simply playing friends. No R or D talk, no intimacy or whatsoever. We just went for lunch.
She is even talking about activities with friends. I didn't really respond, kept all conversations to this and that, but nothing serious. I'm only here for a day.
To me it seems like her behavior etc didn't change. Pretty sure she seems to think my trip was good to detach, that I seem to be more relaxed about everything (which I totally am) and that she can get out of this as friends .. But she's probably cautios and curious about my future behavior. Or maybe she doesn't think at all lol.

Leaving again for work until Saturday night. When I'm back DB will continue and separation will become real. I slept in our bed tonight, didn't feel like couch after my 30h travel time. Probably a mistake.

All I'll do is tell her I'll move to the other room when I'm back. Then I'll continue to DB and GAL. I'll keep you posted how the in home separation will go. Any thought in my list that I posted?

Thanks