good to hear your voice. you know, i serioyusly wonder about the whole thing of "them" suffering. perhaps your h and alot of people's are miserable or suffer.
mine - i think he's just like a spoiled "kid" - doing what he wants- takin care of number one- and if he feels guilt or unhappiness about it- well, i thnk he feels some guilt and thats why he is ratty or critical (making sure i'm at fault & "bad") - HOWEVER- I DON'T THINK he even registers my feelings or anyone elses. it's all his feelings. (which, by the way- he doesn't articulate- can't acknowledge and probably hates having) so doesn't admit or own. and of course, criticizes and belittles others feelings because they're allllll "self serving and bids for pity". oh man- what a messed up person. and what a messed up outlook.
i don't think it hurts him tho- . me, based on my feelings and the old "do unto others" i was raised with- my conscience bothers me til i come clean. i'd have had to admit it and end it with me before i could carry on and find any happiness with anyone else by wounding someone that loved me. tooooo guilt-inducing to even endure for long day to day. just can't do it and enjoy myself.
i'm thinking if he could be such a liaar and cheater of long standing- it's just part of who he is. i think that's my problem- who was he anyway??? when i met him and fell in love - and who is he now- and will the real person please stand up.
i think this is howcome i find it better to shove all this crappola aside to be dealt with some other day. too confusing and no answer i can find. (lost about 3 hrs sleep last nite allowing this sort of dopey thought creep into mind - too sleep0-dopey to save self. i should have put the tv back on alot earlier instead of thinking i could block it out by self. silly woman
like my sister that died- was the "real" her the woman i grew up with and knew soooooo well? or was the "real" her the person she became when drunk and unfettered by all the rules or whatever might have held her in check ? kn ow what i mean??? - it really could make ya crazy. i'm pretty sure it's both- no real hard and fast line between the good and bad thems.
i sure with i could fix things for me and anyone else- ya never can tho, can you??? i keep wondering about people who deal with this stuff at a young age and how it changes them, their lives, etc. i wonder if i'm particularly lucky to have gone 60+ years or so before having my faith in people so mangled. i can't imagine being skeptical and suspicious at a young age. how it must change you, change your life, work on you and any r you have. i'm glad i never knew or even suspected. i don't mind having been a trusting dope if that was what it was. it was better by far than this-
ignorance is bliss for sure. oh well huh? i think i better go back to work room from he!! and keep on "digging out" here. made a start today after airport run- made some progress - uncovered my sewing machine & work surface around it. i can do more for anotehr hour or so. read a book last nite and today- felt good to "go somewhere else" for awhile.
ya khow, i think even thinking of finding a new r or meeting someone to date makes me tired still- i do not even feel like thinking about anything that "challenging" yet. ya just can't "turn it off", just like that - - can you - like a faucet- feelings that have a long long life??? I'm sure you're rite that we just have to keep plugging along on our own little journey til the time is rite for us and the way becomes clear.
i sure never realized i could ever have this much patience and endurance. (i hope in the end it's enough) It's sooooo hidden a thing- a person's sheer will to carry on and then doing it. unseen by anyone really- but you do know it , don't ya. the amazing effort & the hard-to-see progress. I think of my mom when my dad died and she just carried on with five kids to be responsible for- all the jobs and what a huge crisis in her life. sheesh!! even my sisters- shattering divorces- four carried on - one coulden't. it's big man . oh well, toomuch heavy stuff for me- i'm outta here.
hoping to continue along here with no major traumas/I can feel the absence of big worry and responsibility for someone else- it's sad but it's a big big weight off one's shoulders. i am - awaiting wisdom to blam down on my head as yusual- who knows???
happy new year- i'm gonna go dig around more and put junk away - . have a mountain in the attic and onne in teh cellar too... oh mannnnnn
