[BrightFuture]

Happy New Year everyone!

Mighty, thank you for the encouragement. My anger about H’s relatives has subsided significantly. I can still feel a little flicker, but it is going to die down, I know it.

And your comment “NOTHING was done to try to "fix" it. You know, like maybe one conversation????”… OMG, it just occurred to me that we actually had exactly one conversation in person about how nothing good can be expected out of our lives together and how it just better for both of us to end this and move on. Yes, the words “both” implied that he made a decision about what was best for me. So kind of him… Not!

I went to my sister’s for the New Year Party yesterday. My BIL (H’s brother) didn’t come. He texted me that he was not feeling well and his GF didn’t sleep the night before, so they were not going to make it this year.

My son and his GF came, and we had a great food and music going. We all danced after the midnight, even my son. He was hesitant at first, but joined the silly crowd eventually.

I was on the end year support from work last night, and they did nave some issues I had to work until late. I also had to be logged in and constantly checking for e-mails and IMs until midnight. That was not fun at all. I think next year I’m going to take a day off on New Year ’s Eve, so I could help my sister to do the cooking and the preparations. She did all it by herself this time. She didn’t complain and I’m very grateful for all she did.

We had Skype with my parents. We all talked. They told us that yesterday it was their 50th wedding anniversary. We congratulated them, and then my Mom said that she wishes all of us to approach the same date in our lives. I said that it was too late for me, LOL. I guess she meant it for my sister and didn’t think how it would come across for me. Just reminded me that I’m an outcast in my family, the first one to D (almost twice by now) among the immediate and all other family.

I had some reflection today on my parent’s anniversary. It sounds like a significant achievement and a great thing. I just don’t feel a lot of pride and joy for my parents. All their life together they were arguing and fighting. They didn’t care if I and my sister were present during their fights or heard their arguments. It affected both of us significantly. Both of us had to overcome certain trends and behaviors we inherited with that. The process is still going on, for both of us. We are in a lot better place now, but the memories are still there. I don’t think my parents realize how much damage they’ve done to us. Or, at least they are not willing to recognize it.

So, I don’t know what is better in this case. Stay together and traumatize the kids, or separate? I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life because of my family dynamics. I was pretty much a damaged child, and then damaged adult, also considering that I didn’t get much love from my parents. I’m at piece with my parents now. I’m just wondering if it would be better for us if they divorced back then. I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m taking it easy today. I think I’m going to work from home tomorrow.

H didn’t send a text last night like he said he would. Not sure what his deal was, whether he was partying somewhere or just decided to not send it. Maybe our mutual friends told him that I’m going to file, hehe. I did receive a text from the mutual friends though, after 3 am in the morning, wishing me happy New Year. I wonder if they had some kind of celebration. Not sure if H was with them, considering their child going through terrible 2s and also being sick lately, and H not tolerating little kids.

He posted on his FB yesterday afternoon, wishing everyone happy New Year. This tells me one thing. For him to make an effort and take his laptop to the WiFi area where he could get on the Internet (there is no internet at the condo, is something not usual. He must have felt lonely and was looking for some attention. This is still so weird to me, knowing that he is on FB and posting the “stupid” stuff he would never done before. I bet he is missing my family New Year’s gatherings too. His loss.