All my chickens are still home!!! At least for one more day....
We had a GREAT time. Wow, did I miss those big boys!
Ok, FINE. "Men."
Update on things:
I've been almost NC since Thanksgiving. It has given me the space and time to sort some things out. Definitely wouldn't have been possible if I was in constant communication with him.
H is still in the tunnel. Deep. Still running. Still seeking. I believe he is now with ow#7 or 8, possibly more. Not my problem.
The few texts we have exchanged, have been strange. Although, strange is his new normal.
He is pushing harder to separate more layers of the financial onion. He said we both need closure, and he wants to "get things rolling" early January. Holidays getting to him maybe? Idk.
Here is the latest script, for those who may relate: He still blames me, but his wording has softened. He is more vague. Even though his claims of me treating his son badly have been invalidated by his own son, he clings to the excuse for "too much damage" and "scars". He says, "We had good. Lots of good. No doubt. But the bad was awful. Too much to bear. Literally." He claims I was "the one". And I can't be replaced. (And he would know, because he has tried almost everyone else....) He says he knows for a fact he will never have feelings again like he had for me. He says he has accepted that. He doesn't want "pain or badness" (?) for me. Then asked, "Can we just get this over with?"
Ok. There's that.
Here's the real change..... It doesn't matter. Not anymore. I'm done.
In my quiet-from-the-boards time, and with my kids all here and living life, remembering what is important.... I realized I need to be done, for me.
If H showed up at my door, today, apologizing, begging forgiveness, promising to go to counseling, anything and everything... I would still say no.
And that acknowledging and looking inward apology thing is not even a blip on the radar right now.
He has so far to go. So, so far.
I can lovingly tuck away my M. I can love the years we had. But I also need to love me enough to keep living.
Looking back, the switch that really did it for me, was his vasectomy. Although I see how this might have made sense to his crisis mind, the fact that he would permanently alter his body to enable more screwing of ow is just not even remotely ok.
Although I have come to an to acceptance that he felt he needed to do that, and it was another thing to "try" to feel better, I have simply decided it isn't something I want to deal with forever. I just don't. There are so many additional factors that add up and I don't feel it's worth it anymore.
I feel I would always wonder if he's really through his crisis. I would never trust him. I feel I deserve to be with someone who is capable of dealing with things in a healthy way. I just want better for myself.
The other major factor in this, is that I can see how much he has hurt my kids. Since he is not their father, it is an entirely different thing. I asked myself, if my stepdad did these things to my mother, would I want him in her life? Do I want this man badly enough to possibly push away my kids?
No one knows what the future holds. Years and decades from now. After I learned how xH came through his chit, I learned to never say never.
But I'm not planning years and decades right now. I'm on today. What do I need today? Where is my life today?
I'll tell you.
Today is day one of a new freakin' awesome year. I can feel it.
