glad this morning i bumbled into this bunch of posts. i'll look for the books mentioned. life seems to be at it's usual "peaceful but (for me ) unresolved and not so "happy" place. Not sufferin all that much - not the abject misery of a few years ago - so yay for that.
in reading cadet's descriptions of pursuer and distancer- so many of the qualities fit both of us. me as pursuer since i always did (note- "did") honestly believe somehow that love would conquer all. (I definitely cared more about our r than he ever did - i see that - tho i'm a rather "coolish" pursuer. i am not clingy or emotionally needy - something he always said he loved about me. (ha!) just a fool mam - nothin more.
i can look back and see where i've been incredibly "polly-anna-ish" in general in life. He was always a very quirky and self-contained guy, but yes, the "baby" as well as the "alpha male". i always bought his 'story" about why he was and who he was - i just trusted without restraint. (alot of my unreal expectations were engendered by his unreal & glowing disclosures about "who he was inside". sheesh ! what a pair... perfect - a liar and a gullible doofis.
some one above said that they now have someone wonderful in their lives that cherishes them and tries hard to show them how special they are, etc. (i lost the quotation so i'm paraphrasing) That is exactly what i felt when i met H 40 years ago - while married to ex-H of a year or two and had newly realized this guy got drunk & violent occasionally.
holy cow-
it would be a more comfortable thing for me to buy into it "all being my fault" I'm scrappy but waaay too accepting in life (across the board) of blame and responsibility. but ya know, i just don't. it's embarassing how much some of the pursuer (needy jackass) traits fit me and my r's in life (family as well as him). I always thought it was a good thing to be a kind of person that "got along" and smoothed things over, nurtured, etc. i haven't gotten to that place yet- wiping all that out of my personality. it maybe who i am - tho needing moderation.
It seems now to me , that he always had a liar and cheater side (most probably) and i didn't even suspect or see it. i'd say this business of having an optimistic outlook and seeing the good rather than the bad - can backfire a bit with regard to putting good spin on bad behavior - etc. for everyone i've ever known. what the heck is that anyway? i am not sure i want to be a suspicious and negative (and realistic) person - - on the other hand- what i've been is not very appetizing to think of one's self. (giant well-meaning sucker???)
so, what do we do with this information? I don't hate myself about who i was - I do feel "different" but am not sure where to go with it. I've 180'd a bit (if not alot)
1) I do not honestly care if he gets mad. i would have said in past 38 yrs i always "feared" his anger. for no concrete reason other than that's who i am- hate confrontation & giant emotion & conflict. (he did not get mad as continually tho, until last ten or so years) Now, i do not get mad and i do not get scared or scurry to make it better. i stay calm - my innerds are calm anyway- it bores the life out of me - his bs and anger. (total perspective 180 change for me)I do not take him as deadly serioyusly any more. he's "just another person" - I and just say you're angry, not me. if we can't talk without yelling- lets just forget it now. and walk away- yes, turn my back. sounds small- but huge for me.
2) i am less insecure than ever about him walking. - i've been sitting here "facing down" my fear and insecurity of being alone, being poor, having no one - etc - but you know - i kind of see it as inevidible now and am savoring the last days (years? months?) of having someone in my life. *(unless a miracle happens and i don't think one will). i'm getting adjusted to no mother, no sister, no him, no body. i don't particularly like it- but it's clearer and clearer that it's the life i've constructed and for the moment I'm not rushing to embrace it- but i'm not feeling sick with dread over it either. that sounds pretty lame - but it's progress for me. it couldn't intellectually be worse - so like, nothing left to fear much. merely awaiting the worst - it's kind of freeing to not have any hope about it anymore.
i'm sorry to think he can 'do this" forever and not care about what i think. I feel badly to be of so little value to him - it would appear so tho. he's got ow for sex - he's got me for whatevertheheck he thinks i provide (???) - he knows we're bound together with ownership of this nj house (50-50) maybe that makes him think he's 'safe". he supports me and i let him- *(yeah- laziness & the lack of desire to embrace my alone-ness and poverty) and make no mistake- that's big. this house is my place to be. he cannot 'share" properly in life. (anything or everything.) he's generous- but he is all about him. somehow conflicting traits - but both. i can see how i got tricked - knowing he was inarticulate about feelings & resented having them too (just like my mother) but showed caring in acts (or so i thought).
i still don't know about all that- what's shown by good or caring acts. possibly nothing - someday i'll know.
it's probably like db book says - he thinks because i don't talk about it and i don't yell or figtht about it- it's all OKAY WITH ME. NOT..... i'm just figuring out what the heck i'm doing or going to do and be, etc -
hey - another 180 - i just took him to airport- on the way i wondered if loverwoman was picking him up at airport - i thought of asking for one second because i used to be that kind of a guy - up front- honest - curious - but DIDN'T because it was just more bs - nothing to talk about any more. nothing to be gained. recognition that not one single constructive think in universe would be gained - i didn't say a darn thing or act "nicey-pooh" or anything. i just was pleasant and not-involved. any other day in my life i'd have just asked and out with it- today i figured "why bother" ?
i'm not sure what that is- but it's waaay better than emotional involvement and the bad old days of "how could you" and "why"....
i feel detached in a liberated yet cr@ppy way. oh well- i guess progress isn't always necessarily a good feeling.
nice to be alive and healthy and my life still is (at the moment) better than most. i do appreciate that. i do swallow my pride and accept his support- gift of time to organize myself so that when i walk - it's my decision?? idk
what the heck good is "pride" anyway. i know who and what i am- no one to impress or get permission from.
. I can see a million mistakes in my values in life (and yes, maybe expectations from others that were nutty) - but idk, so i guess i'm watching myself morph as well as him. i do not know this new guy- i am not sure what i will do with him and any r with him. i don't feel overwhelming love i always did- it's bashed into the turf at the moment. i just feel like i'm learning to walk allover again- th ere's soooo much "junk" - i do not feel desire for him or anyone- tho i loosely would like to feel loved in life- i sure do not feel "up to" looking for it. still tired - more content than last bunch of rotten years - expectations about people and life lower than ever - but curiously optimistic still aboutfuture.
don't know where that co mes from- faith(I wonder) - idk- i just don't know much any more. great at stayin in the day tho- in the moment- maybe that makes one feel okay and content or "happy-ish".
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL- sorry to be ramblie - thanks for all your hel[ps and input & patience over years- it's changed soo many lives mine (and still is/does) ...
