The anti-versary and other musings

[Train]

Okay, so now that the complete chaos of the holidays is over (whew! I am SO gonna reevaluate the way I "do" the holidays next year!), it's maybe time for a little update.

First, I hope all y'all are doing well. All the kids - and H - are trying to get over the flu. Passed right through with Santa Claus, it seems. NC is being hit awfully hard with it. Seems we're at the tail-end of it here - and I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that I've disinfected the house and my hands (80 million times an hour) well enough to keep myself from getting it. (Clearly, I'd rather have it than watch the kids go through it, but if they're gonna get it anyway, they need to have a healthy momma to take care of them, right?)

Second order of business: D18 is halfway through her pregnancy already ... and IT'S A GIRL!!!!! I've stayed busy sewing goodies for her but still have a longgggg list awaiting. Still no Baby Daddy to speak of. But all is well here. Things are moving right along. And D18 doesn't look a day pregnant! Lucky dog! (She WAS NOT so good to ME 19 years ago!)

As for H and me? We're still trudging right along, too. You know I've told y'all he doesn't read. He really, really doesn't. Maybe an article here or there, but that's it. But the other day? He found one of my books on the different needs of men and women, and I looked over and - lo and behold! - he was reading a book!!! He's reading a chapter a day, it seems.

The strangest thing is happening, though, and it really blows. He does not realize this (I don't know if/how to approach it without coming across as a Class A b!tch or whiny-wad. I mean, is honesty ALWAYS the best policy? What are your thoughts?) Every time I'm browsing my FB newsfeed, or searching Pinterest or articles for DIY projects, etc., and I run across an "I love my husband!" or "Happily ever after!" or "My husband is my entire world!" or "He's my dream come true," or "My husband is my rock and anchor!," I literally feel like vomitting. And I simultaneously get so sad. I have SO lost that feeling. Like, not only have I lost the feeling of being so "blindly" or over-the-top in love with my H, I currently feel no hope of EVER feeling that way again.

I have friends who went through this 25ish years ago, and they are head-over-heels in love with each other again. Like, silly in love. And they've been married 30 years.

Maybe it's because it's happened twice in our M. Maybe it's because I'm still not even close to the average 2-year mark that it takes to really start coming out the other side of this.

Because my H is doing most *everything* right. And, if you could see how we interact on a daily basis, you'd probably say I'm doing most everything right, too. Like, he's trying soooo hard and is making it look effortless. And it's enough to keep me satisfied and even feel happy every now and again. But it isn't enough to make me feel hopeful, much less naive and goo-goo eyed about our love and future.

Like, I know it's a man's need to be admired and adored. And I do that when I can and when it's genuine. But I used to post things on my social-media accounts about how smart and helpful and talented and marvelous he is. I was still doing that until a week or so before BD. I literally cannot bring myself to do it now. I don't know if it's because so many people know what happened, and I feel I look like a fool. Or if it's because I FEEL like a fool for being so publicly mushy-gushy last year right before the rug was pulled out from under me (again). I mean, I'm not above speculating that MAYBE it's my ego. Or maybe it's the simple fact that I just don't have those intense love-feelings for him right now. And I'm deeply afraid I won't get them back.

I just don't feel the LOVE, even though I feel it FROM him. I am refusing to look at the future because every time I do, I just assume he'll cheat again. And I don't want to be guided by THAT feeling. Right now, it's one day at a time. And I feel I should be progressing a little more by now. It's been eight months since he's been home.

Let me be clear: I'm not going anywhere. I'm sticking this M out for the long haul. I still wake up every day, convinced I am doing what's right for myself, my M and my family. But I feel sometimes I am possibly denying myself a future of actually *feeling* happy-love again. I don't want to be naive. I don't want to be a freakin' princess. But I DO want the kind of love that I can be proud of. And I do want to be proud of my H and our M. Right now, I'm simply not.

Starsky, you know the question that's coming: Am I normal??!?

I'm also wondering just how much the pending anti-versary is playing in my emotional state. Our 11th wedding anniversary is Valentine's Day, and BD was five days later this year. H was sending selfies to OW from upstairs, on his way down to take me to dinner at our favorite restaurant last V-Day. Our 10-year anniversary.

I can't even think of that restaurant now without feeling sick to my stomach. I've nixed it as a place to go - for the first year ever - this coming V-Day. In fact - sigh - I've nixed V-Day altogether. I told H months ago that I don't even want to hear mention of Valentine's Day - or our anniversary - on Feb. 14. No gifts. No pink and red. No cards. No "Happy Anniversary." I want it to be just like any other mundane day. He was upset about it. But that day just doesn't *at all* feel happy for me. Or like one I want to remember. Certainly I don't want to celebrate it. There's nothing to celebrate except that's pretty much the day we got married ... and 10 years later, it was pretty much the day our M was ripped apart.

I kinda want to find a hole to crawl in, say, Feb. 1st-ish and just stay there a couple months.

I just don't remember feeling this way the last time (in 2005/06). In fact, that time I was over-the-moon in love with him from pretty much the moment he walked back through our door.

I don't know WHAT is going on with me this time. But I so wish I didn't feel this way. And I sooooo hope that time and effort helps to snap me out of it.

I don't believe that the stroke of midnight tomorrow night - or any other year - changes luck or stints of sh!t in life. But I've never looked more forward to at least the *symbolism* of putting a year marked with "trauma" - infidelity, wrecks, encounters with psychos, and grappling with becoming a 37-year-old grandma - behind me and starting in a new place. I really, really hope 2015 brings happiness to a group of people here who have felt entirely too much sadness in 2014.

And for all the people who stick around here to help shepherd people out of that dark place? I'm hoping for a bright and happy and promising 2015 for y'all, too. And Starsky, I've been thinking of you and your family as we approach February, too, in the event nothing has changed since the last time we chatted about your (grand)daughter moving.

Much love (and well-wishes) to all of you ...

[Bunches]

Train, glad to see a new thread and update for you. I'm not a super regular poster but I've read your thread from early this year and feel like yours is a sitch that can give the rest of us reason to hope.

Sorry you are feeling so out of love. Perhaps this is just another one of those fake it til you make it times. Maybe for V Day it would be best for you to take a trip if it makes you that uncomfortable. Maybe its a good time to go somewhere with D18 and get away. Of course that might also be unhelpful, not sure, just throwing an idea out.

I hope things keep moving in a good direction for you. Congrats on the GD on the way! Happy New Year!

[twinmom]

Train, I understand your emotions completely. My H isn't doing anything (because I don't want the marriage) but even when he was I didn't feel that in love feeling and I didn't think I could ever not think he was cheating.

2014 has been the worst year of my life. I am so ready for it to be over!

I think you are just being cautious with your emotions. And all those social media posts are part of the "Disney love" that doesn't really exist and gets us into trouble.

H walked out on me on our anniversary, Feb 22. I found out he was cheating Feb 27, and he moved in with OW on March 13......... I think I am just going to be drunk for about a month. Care to join me?

[Wonka]

Train,

Hey baby!!

I get the sense that the scales have truly fallen off and you are lamenting the loss of "innocence" that existed prior to OW. That pure feeling of "innocence" is gone forever. Kinda like finding out that Santa wasn't real at the neighborhood playground from other kids.

Is that what you're experiencing now in regard to H and the M in general?

[Train]

Awww thank y'all for checking in and touching base!

A trip is a great idea for Valentine's Day. I've also thought of maybe just making it an entirely kid-centered thing at home. Kinda like Christmas Round 2. But with no gifts. Maybe we could come up with a family-oriented community-service project since it's "the day of love." Hmmmm. Now you got me thinking, Bunches!!!

And then there's always staying drunk through it. twin, you know me so well.

Wonka, hey!!!! To answer your question, I'd have to give you a half-enthusiastic "yeah ... maybe." But it feels like more than that. I mean, the innocence in our romantic love ended the first time it happened 9 years ago. But that many years had passed. I had forgiven H. And I loved him to pieces, even though I clearly fell down on my job of being a good partner who was in-tune with his needs. I still trusted him and thought he was great as of last year. And I bragged on him a lot. Because I think he's fundamentally a really great guy. But will I ever be able to call him my "rock," like I did - without hesitation - just a year ago? Will I ever feel the weight of this lift? Will I ever be able to say - without hesitation and doubt - that he's my partner in life and the man of my dreams? I just don't know. There's a WHOLE LOTTA hesitation in me right now. Keep in mind my H got OW1 pregnant when I was pregnant in 2005. And somehow I welcomed him back with open arms. This time, maybe it's just that I'm super-hesitant to allow myself to fall back IN love with him. Maybe it'll just come in time and after he's been consistent. But for how long? Another 9 years?? That's rhetorical; I know I can't put a timeframe on it.

I don't want to be naive again. And I don't want to feel that hurt for a third time. Or ever again. I dunno. That's the best way I can explain it. It's more than the loss of innocence. I'm honestly afraid I won't find trust with him ever again. Or be able to forge a deep, strong connection that I know I can depend on. It feels really lonely. And sad.

[Train]

P.S. Like, I'm having trouble even feeling okay with putting pictures of just the two of us up on Facebook for some reason. And I'm a photo fanatic!!! What tha wha?!

[twinmom]

P.S. Like, I'm having trouble even feeling okay with putting pictures of just the two of us up on Facebook for some reason. And I'm a photo fanatic!!! What tha wha?!

You're normal, I deleted my FB account a month or so ago because of all the "happy family bullsh@!" that is posted there. Maybe take a break from social media. It's helped me a lot!

[Train]

Thank you, sweetie.

I took a long break from Facebook earlier this year, and it did me worlds of good. Maybe I should do it again. But it's everywhere. All the stores already have Valentine's crap (and Easter!! Give me a flippin' break!!) And Pinterest is alllllll ablaze in Valentine's projects. I don't guess I'll ever be able to fully escape it. I just hope my angst lessens with time. It's not good for my (our) progress for my mind and heart to stay stuck in such muck. If only it was like a light-switch that I could control, ya know?

[Starsky309]

Thanks, Train. No change in GD4's moving plans and now my precious father-in-law is in ICU and on a respirator. I've been here every day -- sometimes 2-3x-- since the ambulance brought him into the ER at 5am 18 days ago. My wife's a wreck.

And . . . you're normal. I'd worry about you if you DIDN'T have these triggers! I think you have it harder than me and some others because you got bombed TWICE?

Hugs,

Starsky

[MCS]

Train,

Feeling for you in this time of uncertainty. I can commiserate with you about feeling conflicted about how you feel about your spouse now knowing about the A during your time together. My W told our friend (the one that finally convinced me there actually was an OM) during our trip to Hawaii for our 10th Anniversary that she had this guy that was more than a friend. Also told her about her Internet A's going on at that time. My poor friend didn't know what to do for almost 8 months until she finally told me after BD. We had a trip to Disney that we had a great time 6 weeks before BD, I guess she was just about checked out of the M and I had no idea.

Anyway, as much as these pains are still in our lives, we need to look forward. How you 'feel' is sometimes short term. Hopefully this confusion is part of that. Remember, it's a marathon. Just because he's trying to work on the M doesn't mean your in sync right now. Hopefully, just like you earlier; his changes will start to take hold for how you feel about him. I hope that in my sitch we can maybe start to get to where you are right now. Keep going....