Wife Still in MLC but has now Left #8

[Matt165]

Hello everyone!
Well, I did it! I passed my first test. Had the test late this afternoon. It was harder than I expected but I did well, got an 84. So, now I have one more test and I can start the new job. I do have the meeting with W and lawyers tomorrow morning at 10:00 AM. So nice of her to push this on me before I have a chance to finish and start my new job. Went out to dinner with my In-laws and both D's and W last night. I went and picked up my D19 Saturday since she didn't have to work Sunday. She, D15 and I spent the night Saturday having fun, just hanging out and watching TV, eating, talking, etc. W called Sunday asking D15 to go to the movies with her! Hey, it was MY day, not hers. But D15 said that her sister was in town so she wanted to do stuff with her and I. W asked D19 if she wanted to go out to dinner with her and in-laws and she said sure if I could come. W said I could come, as long as I paid for my own meal! What a rotten thing to say as her grandmother always pays for these Christmas meals, she enjoys doing it. Her GM has dementia and has no idea that my W has left me. All that happened with me paying was her GM got upset and didn't understand why I wouldn't let her pay. My W is a real jerk. She is angry about money right now and I have a feeling tomorrow won't be going real well.

She over values the stuff she didn't take and undervalues the stuff she did. She doesn't want to have to reimburse me for the assets I brought into the M that were mine alone and used nor for all the money spent on her student loans from before we were M. I really think she is freaked because she has never been comfortable handling paying the bills and such and even though she out earns me 7 to 1 she feels she is paying more than her share of D15's expenses. She knows this is temp. and that I'm about to start a new job where I'll be in a better financial position but just doesn't seem to care. So fixated on herself, on what she wants and she isn't even right about the amounts of her loans or how much I have spent. She is just so irrational. I also think she is jealous because D19 spends so much more time with me. She see's that my relationship with the girls has grown stronger while hers has really suffered. That is her choice. If she wants to see D19 all she has to do is make an effort like i have. Call her and find out what her work schedule is, go and pick her up. But no, that is too much to ask. You get what you give and W needs to understand that. Not my sandbox.

So really good news about the test. Now I need to finish up and get going on the new job. I can only hope W is somewhat able to make a compromise tomorrow but I have a feeling she is going to stick to not giving in and this is just going to be a waste of time. But I will try. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes!

[TSquared2]

Way to go Matt!!

Almost there on the job front!!

With the L meeting, just stick to the facts, keep your emotions in check (like you are negotiating a close), don't think too much about what she is going to do, we don't want any self-fulfilling prophesies now, right?

You can do this...

And yup, HER sandbox... just don't toss any cat turds into it, m'kay?

[AJM]

Yep, almost there, Matt. One more test, turn left at the big clock and straight on till morning

I know you can't see it right now Matt. But you'll look back and see these times differently at a later point. And laugh about it.

Feel free to tell me I'm right when that happens, Matt. I won't even say I told you so

Relax on the meeting. It will be what it is, but it's not important at the moment and nothing is likely to get settled. The next test is important, so stay focused.

Each thing in it's time, Matt. Each in it's own time...


Um, what are you studying to be? Sounds like a financial advisor type position or something.
AJ

[Matt165]

Hi everyone,
I waited a day to post about my meeting with W and lawyers to calm down. I am so pissed right now. Seems like my lawyer was worthless, didn't even advise me properly on changes in the D laws in my state. Seems that I have no right to recoup the money my W spent in her replay year that was from my retirement account. Nor am I able to recoup the money we had to spend on lawyers and repaying her student loans. Even though if she had payed them or made arrangements it would have been thousands of $'s less. I wasn't able to make arrangements as we weren't M when she got the loans and she "couldn't handle the stress". My L told me that I was able to get those funds back. W's L pointed out that due to a new state law, even though the retirement money was mine alone when we brought it into the M because it was used to pay for expenses like clothes and food and D's school, I can't get any of it back. The new law also exempted student loans! Even though they weren't mine. So, here I was unprepared. That was $80,000 that W got and I got zero! Now I have to pay her to keep my house even though she spent all that money in her replay for crap she didn't need and left me with a negative balance in our checking accounts. The amount is offset by the amount of her retirements but then again, it doesn't account for all those that I cashed in over the years but I purposely didn't cash in hers. I got nothing for the antiques, nothing at all and I also have to give up my computer! I got totally screwed. I really hate my W's new "all about her" attitude. I also have to pay for 1/2 of my D15's health ins. and school lunches but I don't mind that. I just want to be sure that her numbers are accurate.

I need to have access to a computer after hours in my new job and really can't afford a new one. It's a 4 year old laptop that is outdated and the battery doesn't hold a charge. The ONLY reason she wants it is because I wouldn't give it up when she demanded it from me when she came for her stuff. I was stupid enough to sign a Rule 11 allowing this at my L's suggestion. I think the biggest problem I had was I was unprepared except for the things that my L told me were reimbursable but weren't and I felt exposed and at a big disadvantage. Now that I have had time to think about things I would like to makes changes but I don't know if I can and my L is off for New Year's.

I need to just think about my last test and starting my new job. I am angry at W, at my L at myself for not being ready and signing that I will pay my W much more than I should have. I got zero for the antiques, student loans, my retirement. For the years of crap she caused me and my girls because she was in MLC. The D laws in my state are ridiculous and one sided. My W is going to be rewarded for what she did to end her own family. It is just so unfair.

I really don't think that I will ever be able to forgive my W's attitude, her lying, her constant telling me that she agreed to do things one way and then "changed her mind" after I let her take certain things and do things like put my D15 in school near her but 30 miles from me. In the meeting she said "It's only 11 miles farther than her old school" like 44 miles a day when I have her, having to be late for work when she's with me is NOTHING. I wanted to wipe the smirk off her face so badly when she said it. She would NEVER have agreed to do the same. I think she is such an ass now. Such a worthless person. Just last night my D15 called me upset AGAIN because her mother wouldn't take the time to take her to do something special with a friend and knows I would and had to ask me. She doesn't care about anything but herself and what she wants. I really don't think she will ever change. She has become exactly the kind of person I have the least respect for. The type of person who doesn't care about their family, acts like a teenager when they are middle aged, blames their own problems and shortcomings on others, takes no responsibility for their own actions, justifies bad behavior on made up crap that never happened and even if it did, doesn't justify what they have done and are doing. Yes, she is in crisis but that doesn't justify it all either.

I wish she would just go away and take her journey and leave my D's and I alone. Just go and relive her teen years with her daddy and just stay away. I am sure that the worst is yet to come. When my FIL dies, when D15 starts to act out more towards her. They are already at odds what will happen when I can no longer do as much for D15 when W refuses? I have been able to be there for her, to do things for her that W refuses to do but that will change when I start my new job. So, when I can't take up that slack how will my D15 react?

I really don't want to be worrying about these things right now. All I wanted to do was get my new life started but W couldn't wait, once again had to have HER way. I need to take my mind off this stuff and put it back on just that, getting my life going in the right direction. Why is it W can get away with having to pay so little for her own mess and I'm once again left with her mess? Doesn't matter in the end. All I can do is try as best as I can to put all of this behind me. Do what I can for my D's and me. W is on her own just like she said was what she wanted. I really don't care at this point if she finds her "joy" or not. In fact, to be honest, after all the pain and problems and stress she has put me through, I hope she doesn't find it. I know that isn't a heathy attitude to have but it is how I feel. Maybe with time I will be able to mellow that attitude. As my life becomes less stressful and more under control I will be able to find more compassion than I feel right now. I guess time will tell.

Happy New Year everyone. I am so grateful for all of my friends here and I wish you all the best in 2015!!

[AJM]

Sounds like you still need to focus on the test, Matt.

Something to remember:

In fact, to be honest, after all the pain and problems and stress she has put me through, I hope she doesn't find it.

Stress is self-induced. It can be started by somebody else, but it has to do with expectations and the difference between those and reality.

As for your daughter. Life happens. You're a parent. You'll adapt as much as you can, but at the same time keep in mind she is trying to grow up. She needs you to show her how to do that. How to handle what is thrown at you. How to not look at something that may feel like a set-back throw you off your goal.

While you're at it, you may want to either get a new L or find out why he missed that stuff. You're assuming the other L is accurate and knows the laws. Law doesn't work that way - it's full of differing opinions and some "guidelines" or such.

Once the test is done, have a look for yourself.

Cheer up, amigo. Your ex is not going to go away. She will try what she can to hurt you for as long as she can. She will take it out on anyone she can actually; you're just a familiar at this point. The good news? You control that interaction - when it happens, if it happens, etc. Once you give up on her actually co-parenting, you can be really done.

As for the money? You'll need to look at the law more closely after the next test. I think you'll find a way that's less obvious to make it work


AJ

[pbetra]

Hi Matt,
I see you are at #8! A lot (!) has happened since I stopped posting regularly

I imagine that Christmas was 'strange' for many who are going through this experience. I was saddened to read of your Christmas however, you got some sound advice. We are all lucky to connect on a 'cyber' level here - otherwise the isolation during these challenging times would be so much more difficult.

Sorry that the lawyer's prep. turned out so completely 'inadequate' given the sitch! Can't imagine how you felt! Take lots of deep breaths, rest & think 'next steps' (I'm having some red wine right NOW - helps me relax & sleep ... I have a little and it's healthier than many other alcholic beverages).

Don't let this legal incident, horrible as it is, 'contaminate' your chances re: employment (you & I both know how that goe$! ) Again easier said than done but it's past & therefore some examination must take place to minimize the chances of your having to experience this again.

You will get past that, and move on to better. It just takes time.
Think the wine si gettign to me - take care Matt. I sincerely hope that all will work out soon for you. p.

[2BHappy]

Hello Matt

I know you are in a better place since your last post, please stop by and let us know how you are doing?

[BklynMom]

We miss you Matt!

[Matt165]

Hi pbetra, 2B and Bklyn!
Nice to know I am missed! .
I've been taking a break from posting about my sitch, concentrating on getting my life in order. Had some bad events recently. First I had a tire blow out taking my D15 to school and then the next day had my car break down after dropping her off. I had to spend all the money I had left getting it fixed. Then I found out that the last hope I had to make some money before leaving the company I've been working for is no more. In fact they haven't even been able to get the computers back working. After getting off the phone with them I found that my water wasn't working and found out that I had been shut off because I missed a payment I thought had been made (and I no longer had the money to pay what was due). After turning it back on myself I came in from the cold and started to feel light headed and ended up passing out on my way from my kitchen to the bedroom. Then I get a text from W asking me to provide info to her lawyers and asking for this and that from the house. I then go pick up D15 from school and she asks me about her taking drivers ed. There is just one more chance for her to take it this year. She has been getting all A's and this is what she asked for as a reward. Of course I didn't have the money to pay for the class and she had to ask her mother. Her mother refused to let her take the course. W told her that she has plenty of time and that she doesn't want D driving until she's 17 anyway. Why she wants her waiting until 17 only W knows. Considering all that D15 has gone through and the fact that she has straight A's I really don't think it's too much to ask for her to just let her take drivers ed. What's the harm in it? Of course the way she told D no left much to be desired. D was in tears by the time she got off the phone with her mother. So, here I was after a day like this and I had no idea how I was going to pay for food, gas to get D to school, my bills. I ended up having to, once again, ask my parents for help. I feel like a child having to do this. Quite a day.

When my car broke down, I just sat there and thought I had no one I could call for help. My friends from work all work and live 50+ miles away and there are only 3 of us left anyway. I lost most of my friends over the years as W never wanted to go out and do anything together. Now, I no longer have a S to call for help. This has to change. One of my goals going forward is to change this. I need to make new friends. Of course my most important goal right now is to get through my last test and get everything done so I can start my new job. Everything else can wait.

Thursday is my birthday. D15 is at her mom's and D19 has to work so I'll be spending it alone. Just another day. Of course it can mark the start of a new way of life for me. I have a start date for my new job, Feb. 1st. In the meantime I asked my new boss what I can do so I can "hit the ground running" so to speak. He emailed me a list of things that I can do so I will be able to get up to speed quicker. I also need to go into the office tomorrow and tell them that I am done. As much as I hate the thought of the last 2 years of my working life being wasted, I have no choice. Hopefully it will go well. We will see.

As for W and I... not much to say on that front. W keeps asking for favors like bringing stuff that is still at the house when I drop off D15. Last Sunday she asked me to bring her early as it was FIL's birthday and he is back in town and they were going out to dinner. When I saw her she looked bad. She is still losing weight and seems very tense. I remained upbeat and considering how I feel about her and what she has done in the D, I was able to remain "friendly".

I have thought about things long and hard. To be honest my M hadn't been working for some time before B-day. I knew something was wrong with W, I just didn't know what. I see now the MLC started about 2 years before B-day. W lost all sense of anything but stopping her bad feelings. She stopped being a W, stopped being a mother. All that mattered to her was her work and her father. She has always had problems with R's. She has lost every friend she had since I met her because she always felt slighted by them and stopped making any effort. It started with her BF when we met and no matter how hard the other person tried to stay in touch, keep the friendship going, W would just not respond, not bother to stay in touch. In fact she ran away...just like she is running from me now. Even her family relationships have been hard for her. She is always down on her mother even though she has done so much for her. She would always complain about her family, how her cousin said this bad thing about her or how she was raising her kids was "wrong" and how everyone acted like they knew better than her. Of course I didn't see it. People do what they do and just because it's different then the way you do things doesn't mean they feel "superior" to you. I never got the feeling that anyone was looking down on W or me but that was always how she took it. It was W's low self esteem that made her feel this way. It's no wonder that she is like this considering how her father has treated her, always putting her down, telling her that she should do this or that, that she was never "good enough". She has given so much power to a man that has never cared about her, never cared about anyone but himself and has proven it time after time over the last 30 years.

I guess what I'm getting at is that W needs to find a way to get past this. If she is ever going to find "happiness" she has to find a way to come to terms with her feelings that everyone is looking down on her. Her inability to trust others. She has told me how she never felt she could trust me and if she couldn't trust me when all I ever did was love her and try and be a good H and father, how can she trust anyone? She can't tell me why she didn't trust me or what exactly she thought I would do or why. All she can say is she just didn't "trust" me. Unless she can get past this she will spend the rest of her life feeling "miserable" which is how she says she has felt for "years and years". Until she finds a way to get past this, she really isn't able to have a R with me or anyone for that matter. It's a journey she needs to take alone. The best thing I can do is get out of her way and get on with my life.

Yes, what she did and especially when and the way she did it has hurt me badly. It has hurt her D's as well. But there is nothing I can do about that now. All I can do is move forward with my life. Be the person I want to be. Be the father I need to be to my girls. Do what I can to minimize the damage that their mother is causing them. Whether my W is ever able to get through this and come out whole is out of my hands. She will either succeed and maybe find some happiness or not. Where I'll be when that time comes I have no idea but I do know I will be happy and I will have a great R with my D's because that is what is important to ME. What is important to W is up to her to decide and to live with that choice.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Matt,

You know they say when handed lemons to make lemonade. Your wifes stance on the drivers ed and the money situation right now can be turned into lemonade for you and your daughter. I did and you can too. The first thing you need to do is to look around and see if you can find a bunch of dirt roads to drive on. Maybe in a state or national forest. It should be easy. I know when I was in Texas I drove on a lot of dirt roads for many miles. Once you have found those roads you are set for the next step. Next time your daughter is over find an excuse to go for a drive. Go to one of the dirt roads. Pull over, look over at your daughter and ask,"Would you like to drive?" You can see where this will lead to many hours of you taking her out driving on back country roads. It will give her practice, confidence, and will take the newness off driving which will make her a better student driver when she gets to start drivers ed. It will give you both great memories which she will carry for the rest of her life. So, go make some lemonade.