Separated and Need HELP!

[Faith20]

Just want to start by saying Melissa, I will respond to you ASAP. Lots on insight there.

Really hard day my friends. My dad picked S8 up this morning so H and I could talk. He came over with D papers in hand. He asked how house hunting has been going for me and I told him about the place I applied for. He told me he has had the D papers in his car for weeks but hasn't been able to give them to me because it's been too hard. He felt he needed to today for time restraint purposes.

H started to cry and tell me that he loved me more than anything but believes we still need to move forward. He said this is the hardest most painful thing in the world to do, but he feels he needs to do it because we, simply, "did not work". I tried to validate when we could and told him how difficult this all must be for him. I also told him that one of the things I've been thinking about is marriage and what it means-- promising to love someone unconditionally. I said that if the only way for me to keep my promise was to divorce him, I would do that. That I just want him to be happy and to find out what makes him feel whole again. I said that I wanted to be the thing in his life that did that for him, and that I think one of the things that caused the most tension between us was that I couldn't make him happy on my own, and a part of me knew that. But the more I saw it, the harder I fought to hold on, instead of just accepting it for what it was.

H talked about how he wants to rent the house out and is looking to buy a new truck and camper, and live out of his car for the next year traveling from place to place. I told him that I thought it would be good for him, and that I hope he finds what he's looking for.

H asked for a hug and we held each other for a long time, both crying. He told me he didn't want to let me go. I know I have talked about setting boundaries in the bedroom, but I ended up ML with him in this moment. As sad as it was, it was also beautiful. We cried, ML, and held each other for a long time.

H made us lunch and we went to REI together. We spent some time hanging out and laughing, trying to make the best of a very difficult situation. But it was rough. And as hard as I tried to fight it, my heart just ached.

We came back to the house and ML again. And then when he got up to go, I started to cry. I don't know what came over me, I guess the finality of it all really hit me, but I couldn't hold back the tears. I know I totally screwed up DB wise, because I probably looked weak and pathetic. I asked him if going to counseling was even ever an option and he said no, that it didn't work (a whole 3 times). He said he wishes that we would have met each other just now, that we would be so great together. But that we couldn't go back. I sat there and said "I guess we'll never get that relationship do-over we talked about" and he simply said, Idk.

He said that as far as sleeping together goes, he feels closer to me than anyone in the world when we ML, but we should take it a day at a time. It complicates things. And makes them confusing. I said okay. But in my heart I know I should not sleep with H again. There is no point if we are headed down this path.

He then told me I was free to do what I wanted, and to go out with some friends tonight and "let go a little". I said I would.

The hardest part of all this is that we truly do love each other. Spew aside, we are best friends, have a strong connection, and care for each other deeply. But for some reason H feels he has to do this. I almost wish we hated each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier.

Where do I go from here? I let go. I move on. I move forward. I accept things as they are and not for what I want them to be. I don't try to change them in any way. It is what it is. Whatever will be will be.