KGirl - one year later con't

[KGirl]

Thanks, Pink! I hope that by the end of 2015, it's clear what direction this is all moving in.

I had some bizarre dreams about H last night (like that I met up and he had all these piercings and tattoos.. he has none of those at this time), and I'm trying not to let the influence my thoughts about him. I'm also keeping in mind a conversation a had with a friend on Monday. This friend has been through all of this with me and knows everything that has happened, but she was out of the country for several weeks so I filled her in on the paperwork signing, the dinner etc. etc. She gave me some good words of wisdom.
-When I mentioned how H said he always felt he was "guilty unti proven innocent" and always had to prove he was innocent and that I felt maybe I was too hard on him, she stopped me and said "But K, he WAS guilty so many times. And he DIDN'T prove his innocence. You told him exactly what it would take to trust him again/repair what he did, but he wouldn't do it." True.
-I mentioned how I was anxious about his work trips lately and him saying he had bottles of vodka in his room and wondering who he was with, what he was doing, etc., and how apparently I'm just so controlling and jealous I can't handle it even though it's a normal thing to be drinking with coworkers. She said "Do you think you'd be that way if you were dating someone else, though, that you had now met? I highly doubt it. I don't think you'd be like this with everyone, but the history H has has you not trusting him, and rightfully so."

It's nice to have some affirmation that maybe I'm not completely crazy regarding him, and that his actions have a lot to do with it, too I don't know what 2015 will hold but I do hope that by the end of it there are some answers.

My parents and sisters and I went to visit my 91 year old grandmother at her assisted living facility today. I haven't seen her in several years due to conflicts whenever my family visited. It was tough - my grandfather died 5? years ago, and she still wears his wedding ring. They had a 50th wedding anniversary party. Doesn't seem like I'll be able to ever reach that milestone unless I live to be super old. She also had some pictures on the wall and my sister went over to comment on one.. it was my wedding picture. Grandma doesn't know we are S and there doesn't seem to be a point in telling her (she has trouble remembering where we live, our names, etc.), but it reminded me again of all the time and money and mementos and memories that seem wasted. Sigh. Here's hoping 2015 is better, because it can't possibly be worse than 2014, right?