Faith, that does sound really scary. I remember being freaked out any time I would hear from my XH - just seeing his name pop up on my phone got my adrenaline going. What you need to do is identify and face your fears. What do you fear about this conversation? What will happen if your H says he wants a D? What will happen if you get D? Really think about it.
One thing I have learned through this whole ordeal is that sometimes, though we are in a place where we cannot fathom an acceptable result other than the one we envision, we have to just have faith that it's possible. For a while, I couldn't even begin to think about how I could possibly live after getting D . . . pfffft. 15 months after BD, I am SO much happier than I have been in many years. I know, I know, I thought the same thing you did - no way, you're different, etc. I am not saying that you SHOULD get D, but I am saying that there are things out there for you that you can't even imagine right now. Just because you don't see them doesn't mean they don't exist. Have faith in yourself and in the universe.
I forgot who posted about never trusting, but to that person: you CAN trust again. It is your choice. You can allow the hurt and betrayal you have experienced to shape who you are, carry it with you forever, and keep you closed off from happiness, but is that what you really want?
Faith, I think you are in the "put my H on a pedestal" phase. We all do it. I think you need to take him down off that pedestal, and you need to be honest with yourself. Is he really the "most respectful" person you ever met? He canceled your wedding on short notice. He shows up to see your S8 when he feels like it. He treats you kindly when he wants sex, and then unkindly at other times. He openly acknowledges that he is using you, HIS WIFE, for sex. He leaves D papers sitting on the front seat in his car?? Is he really so respectful and wonderful?
To answer your question, I stopped sleeping with my X three months after BD. Even though he was stringing me along and throwing me little bones to hint that maybe we have a future together, I was beginning to feel disrespected by the fact that he would invite me over, we would sleep together, and then he wouldn't contact me for 4 or 5 days. I did not feel good about myself. On Christmas, which is the day before my birthday, we slept together. On my birthday, we discussed kid arrangements via text, but he completely ignored the fact that it was my birthday. No happy birthday. Nothing. From someone I had been married to for 11 years. It felt awful.
After Christmas/my birthday, I went on a trip with my kids and another family, and while I was there, I really had a chance to clear my mind. I decided I was not going to sleep with him anymore. Turns out, he never tried again anyway. I later found out that the day before we last slept together, he started texting with this woman (married, ugh) from his gym - day and night, thousands of texts. So I think from his end, he found someone new and didn't need to sleep with me anymore. Shortly after I returned from vacation, he let me know that he wanted to move forward with D.
Faith, you need to keep coming to this board, and you need to listen to the vets. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's what is going to help you move forward and get through this.
What are you doing to focus on you? Not on whether H's BIL is moving in to your house, but where you are going to live. Not when or whether your H is going to see your S8, but how you are going to help your S8 through this difficult time. He may be confused, but that's his issue to work out on his own. You need to get off his roller coaster and think about YOUR life, and how you want to live it.
Think about it. If you spend this time (while he spins around in circles) to put together a great life, you can't lose. If your H decides he wants to R, great, he can join in. If he wants to get D, well, then at you've got a good place to start your new life without him. I know you don't WANT to start a life without him, but you don't have a choice, so you need to figure out how to do it.
So, what are you doing for YOU?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
