I'm still moving toward the lighthouse, just trying to get around some shoals.
Working to recover my PMA. Dreading the clean up job in front of me. Disgusted with the person I married. Worried no one will ever love me again, because I'm feeling like I haven't been really loved yet. I'm just hoping a time comes when less is demanded of me than the last 4+ years have called for.
I can't wait to kick 2014 to the curb.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I am also trying to get my PMA back, and we can do it. You are going to be loved, you have been loved, and you are loved: but first it is time to love yourself.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Thank you mustard seed. The last several years have been SO demanding. I moved house in 2013 and 2012. BD in 2013 and separation in 2014. Listed our house for sale in 2011 because of financial issues (kids were 8, 5, and 3; it took six months and we lost a lot of money). Money issues. H traveling constantly. Family all so far away. Problems with my parents. Me alone all the time, morally If not factually. No stability in my life since... Ever? H is on his 5th job since 2004. Lost one of his grandmothers and both mine in the last 5 years.
If the only way I can get a stable life is by being divorced from him it will be worth it because this insane life brings out the worst in me and is the complete opposite of what I need to be well.
But I'm so angry with him for his part in this instability. For never making goals with me or communicating (if he even knew) what he was looking for with all the job changes. For not working with me on our financial goals. For claiming we could afford things when he just assumed we could and hadn't done the number crunching to know. For saying yes to stuff to shut me up when he didn't agree but wasn't willing to discuss.
I'm still angry with him for not getting up in the mornings to kiss me goodbye when I had to drive 600 miles to consult with my thesis advisor in graduate school when I had to finish long distance because we'd moved for his job (so he would travel less).
Exocet for the kids, right at this moment, I wish I'd never married him. Which I think maybe isn't true, but I am so angry and disgusted with him.
Last edited by Maybell; 12/31/1409:10 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I absolutely understand your feelings and we share a lot of the same frustrations with our Hs. You've been through a lot. I also lost a grandmother in 2011--she was the most amazing woman and an awesome role model and the way she died makes no sense to me, knowing who she was. I think all of that was also part of our demise as a couple.
Financially it sounds like we were married to the same man. And I also think I will have a lot more stability when I'm divorced. But there is still this part of me that wishes we could figure it out together. Our communication has always been awful and I was convinced that everything would be perfect once we figure that out. Now I am starting to think that he never really wanted to figure it out.
It's so sad, but when you read over what you right this issue isn't because you aren't loved, it's that he is incapable of being a loving and supportive husband. His problem, not yours. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. Right now it feels worse because I have finally accepted the reality of the situation--and that makes me angry. All of those feelings I didn't allow myself to feel before have taken over.
The only way past is through. And it is good to know that we are all going through together. ((hugs)) Here is to a better year ahead!
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Maybell, when is the last time you watched Brene Brown's Power of Vulnerability? I've turned to it several times when I had the thought that I've never been loved like I think a spouse should be loved, making me wonder if I ever will be. You have to believe you're worthy of love, even with your flaws on display
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Oh, and sigh. I didn't realize we were still sharing a kindle account. So he can see all the self-improvement and relationship books I've read in the last few months. No wonder he thinks I'm still pining after him. Grrrrr...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sorry - didn't see that you had a new thread. Just copying my post from there
Hugs Maybell. I may not comment because you are usually more insightful and already receive great advice but know that your H is a fool. He may never figure that out
Remember, we may not choose the obstacles that are placed in our path but we do choose how to conquer them
I'm going to be fine. I really am. I just have to get through the next few months and my life will be on the path to the stability that I've ALWAYS craved and never had.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
