As the year changes to a new one I have been doing some thinking about letting go of the old and welcoming in the new.
What I want to let go of: sadness anger fear jealousy hurt blame
What I want to welcome: new opportunities new experiences fun adventures love happiness peace
In thinking about letting go of my anger, hurt and sadness I realized something. Maybe it is different for you, or maybe you can relate. Before BD, I was not happy with my relationship. There were many things I wished were different. Sometimes I even day dreamed about what life would be like if I was single.
For the past 6 months I have been angry and hurt about what happened to me, angry and hurt that my H would make the decision to leave me and cause me to suffer. But now I see that maybe it was not HIS decision at all. Maybe it was MINE.
Maybe I behaved in ways that subtly pushed him out the door. Maybe I wasn't 100% committed myself. Maybe I didn't do my best. No not maybe, definitely.
Of course this is part of Divorce Busting. Taking a deep look at what you might have done badly and making every effort to improve yourself. We are all doing this. But there is another element for me. Maybe I WANTED HIM TO LEAVE. Maybe it was my decision. Maybe I purposely wasn't the best I could be. Maybe I was not happy with him.
Turning the tables on the blame and anger freed something in me. It gave me my power back. It was my choice. I'm not a victim. I was bored, frustrated, annoyed, doubtful and I behaved in ways that pushed my H away. And I didn't care enough to change my ways until he left.
I can look deeper into this and ask myself why and how and what. But right now it doesn't matter. Right now what matters is that it was not just something that happened to me, it was my choice. Somewhere inside I knew what was happening and I did not care!
And now we are not speaking and sometimes that makes me very sad and angry. But that is my choice too. He wanted to be friendly but I cut him off. These are my decisions.
I'm not in control of him or any other person on this earth, but I can be in control of myself and my own life decisions, at least to some extent. That is empowering to remember and helps to free me from anger and hurt.
In this new year I am going to do some new things, some of which are inspired by you kind people here. I am going to meditate and take up yoga again, I am going to travel, I am going to boost my career, I am going to read more books. And I am going to spend more time appreciating my friends and family who I love deeply.
I hope all of you have a happy new year filled with hope and promise.
