Just got off with my DB Coach again tonight, what great timing following yesterdays slip up. I love talking to these ladies, so helpful and encouraging.
Some notes I took down from what she told me.
Boundaries
WRT my boundary I set today regarding $, I need to truly enforce that when the time comes. Lovingly and kindly enforce that boundary of finances. I will help you W and I am here for YOU but i don't want to be in the position to help you AND OM. I will not pay for his bills. I need to convey to her that I will help her out, and do what I can to help HER but draw the line to where it is not going to OM
Other Notes
- IOT connect emotionally, we have to build trust, and create emotional safety through validation and empathy. STAY with her feelings.
- Continue this validation statement I have been saying: I have no doubt about your talents and intelligence W. I know you will be successful. I have absolute faith in you. You know that. (I actually truly mean this but never conveyed it to her. This will keep being a 180 from her not feeling as an equal to me)
- For my sitch: Although it is advocated here by many to be selective in responses to W, because her complaint was that I was never emotionally and mentally there, that would be more of the same. Our communication has increased, so I need to continue doing what I am doing. Respond to her when she reaches out to me. Keep talking to her. It is a GOOD THING when she keeps wanting all this contact with me.
Validating Her Feelings if the opportunity arises - It makes me feel sad when you say there is no future. It hurts me to know I have hurt you, and I have not been there to support you and encourage you. Instead Ive been critical and rejecting. It just hurts me to have hurt you like that and I am sorry.
I encourage you guys to do this exercise and develop your own course of action. It is really enlightening, at least for me.
How would she describe you Tim is very determined and knows exactly what he wants. He always has a plan. But he can get very controlling sometimes to get what it is he wants. When he is happy, he is very thoughtful and kind and does all the little things I like. When he is unhappy, he becomes extremely self-centered and focused only on himself.
*Course of Action: No matter what my mood is, I need to convey and continue to be consistent in my actions and how I treat W. To continue to make her feel special.
This is probably why my Christmas gift went over so well. It made her feel special and was just a small token of what she meant to me even though we are going through these difficult times. I showed I thought of her no matter how sad I was. This was a 180 that I just realized I did unintentionally. Showing her I care about her, no matter my own feelings.
What frustrates her about you He doesn't treat me like he used to. He used to do the most thoughtful, sweetest things in the world for me before we got married and he came home from Afghanistan. All I looked forward to was re-living the times we had before he left for his deployment, and there was a huge build up that came crashing down because when he came home, it was no longer about me and the marriage, but about him.
What she thinks you think of her I think he thinks I am a Trophy Wife sometimes. He likes to show me off to his friends but sometimes doesn't let me be who I am and have to be someone I am not. I think he does love me very much but my personality that he used to love so much, seemed to have bothered him this past year. I think he doesnt think of me as an equal because I dont work and I dont go to school so I dont bring anything to the marriage. This is something that I struggled with my whole life, and when he argues with me and he becomes possessive of everything in the house, it makes me feel even less of an equal
What is the most painful thing to her about what you do The most painful thing is that he stopped treating me like he used to. He started taking me for granted because we are married and he “got me.” He no longer treats me like he could lose me. (I know better now…).
*Course of Action: Continue to EMPATHIZE with her and VALIDATE her. Make her feel like she is admirable, and loved. To let her know she has many talents and will be successful. That I have FAITH in her.
---Bottom line...DB continues to see a lot of hope and promise in my sitch. Regardless of my little screw up yesterday. DB Coach saying that there is just a lot of hurt in W because her expectations were so high, especially when I returned from deployment, and I let all of them down and became a different person. EA with OM...I need to disregard as much as possible. Control ME and keep doing what I am doing. It was working. PATIENCE....is continuing to reach new levels by the second.
Thanks for reading everyone...I am really thankful for you guys. Don't know how I would get through this without you all.
Last edited by TLEE86; 12/31/1408:16 PM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
