Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[25yearsmlc]

Just a question... I've said before I've read sitches here where the LBS does spend time with the wayward WAS. Around kids mostly. Just a time to create a positive interaction. Painful to do... no expectations. Jan just did that successfully.

I have another opportunity to do this. W just came to pick up S11. I sent him down... did not see her.

She then texts... "Hey... any chance we can do lunch together for S11's birthday?"

So... my goal is to create a new, stronger more happier me while maybe creating a new M with my W. Each of us new better people in a new M as we did discuss in one of our R talks long ago.

Okay I get this^^ totally. What I don't get is the pitch darkness UNLESS it's a temporary thing you are doing bc you cannot yet detach well enough. If that is it, then I can buy into that and hope that you won't take too terribly long to get on your feet emotionally. B/c you cannot do the above^^^ by ignoring her texts and avoiding her. (I mean, you ARE avoiding her so, She has a point).

Right now, I've gone pitch dark. Only responding to her S11 messages.

She has called me a mofo/avoider and I called her a F*cking B!tch as recently as a few days ago.

She would be happiest if I was just friendly nice guy/BFF accepting her A and her choices like good TV husbands do.

WELL, What do you see as your alternative? You think the only options are avoiding her completely, or "accepting her A"....there are other alternatives.

I mean, it's one thing to need time to heal and let the dust settle but your anger is not helping your path to growth, or is it?

The easy answer, as I am pitch black dark, is to ignore this request. I can't be friends with her while she's behaving this way. I also let her feel the consequences of her actions.

She'll feel the consequences a lot more if you are an upbeat, great catch, around her.

B/c she is making choices that mean you, the great dad/h that you are, are NOT available to her. But being a guy she sees as petty and small, still avoiding conflict b/c he's not quite up to it, OR b/c he's trying to punish her, isn't going to attract her back either.

See, the line between self respect/preservation AND false pride b/c of a wounded ego, can be a shifting blurry line but it's there and you have to find it.

Don't let anger or any emotions steer your course. Act in accordance with your goal stated above, NOT how you feel at the moment.

Make sense?


But accepting her wishes and feelings is important too right? It seems not at this point. She knows exactly how I feel. She won't act like my W... she doesn't get me at all. We're not friends. She gave me his birthday and S11 knows that.


How do you think you sound here^^? Anything punitive sounding? Or small, or what? How do you think SHE sees you when you act this way? No, it's NOT the determinative factor in your choices but it should be A factor b/c if your goal is a recon, then her perceptions matter.

Heal yourself first. I get that. I totally do. But don't get stuck in victimhood, which is easy to do and it requires you staying the course of your own growth.

All too often a LBS comes here to work on themselves as they are finally seeing their flaws as spouses in a new, humbling light. It's hard to work on themselves but they believe in the "Cause" and know they will benefit from the work.

THEN they learn of an A and suddenly, they don't need to work on themselves, but it's all about the affair and the OP.

Say goodbye self improvement, and hello self righteousness.

Try very hard to avoid this^^.

I get stuck here. After everything I've done... she keeps saying I'm not acting like and adult and I'm the avoider b/c I don't respond to her, don't see her, and don't accept her invitations to hang out together as a family. Though I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to do... that bothers me.



---b/c she has a point, don't you think?

You STATE that your own goal is to have pleasant enough interactions and to build on those, with time.
That is a smart short term goal (i.e. to have a conflict free experience with your son and wife, like say, a LUNCH and no fighting during that one hour event.)
Then you build on those, so that they are either more frequent and or last longer.

The more she sees that you can be peaceful and harmonious, that there is a NEW IMPROVED YOU, the more you give her to miss when she's not with you and son.


But you are in fact avoiding ALL contact w/her unless it has to do with s11 and even that, you are barely responding to.

See, She doesn't know this is a temporary aid you are using to get stabilized and healthy enough to be around her without screaming or crying.

You have to tell her something along the lines of "Right now I need to reduce contact with you, so I can move forward" and leave it at that.

But please, Stop fearing that your being kind and civil to her, somehow means she's taking advantage of you. It's the most common mistake I see around here. And it's not smart OR effective. IT does not work. Why? BECAUSE

Being a jerk to her - only confirms her choice to leave you, and choose OM.

Being miserable to or around her, does NOT "prove" how much you loved her or how badly she has hurt you. It just makes it a lot easier to NOT be around you.


There will be times you will have to Suck it up and be calm around her, AND stop all the punishing games. Avoid her as long as you must, but don't be petulant about it.


This is a self preservation tactic only. Anything else "achieved" by you not ever responding to her, is probably not helping your cause, in my opinion.


Hell.. why would she even ask this again? It is the same as before... for her guilt and so she can have happy family and her dreams. Making me the bad guy b/c I'm not tolerating her truth.

Well, aside from more massive mind reading on your end,^^^ ALL of which is negative, btw, (SIGH)

I think she is reaching out to do damage control for your son, which is not "because she wants to feel less guilty" ---so much as b/c she loves her son, too. Why wouldn't she want things to be easier for him??

ALSO, just b/c she doesn't want the WAR to escalate or continue, that is not about assuaging her guilt. Do You think she feels ' GUILT' b/c you won't engage w/her?

I don't think she feels any "guilt" whatsoever, when you avoid her.

I think she sees you as weak, punitive, and small. I think she feels more correct in her present choice to leave the m and seek out OMs.

(Please don't be offended by that ^^comment, b/c I am saying what I think SHE sees your behavior as reflecting.
I know it's a self preservation mode, or at least I hope that's all it is. B/c as a long term approach - it will NOT lead to a reconciliation)

FWIW, I don't share much of starsky's approach here, and we part ways on this issue. I follow the div busting approach as much as I can. But we all share in the core belief that you should do what works.

So I'll start answering these. I think Starsky has something better than "No thank you W."

Do I keep ignoring or denying these pokes from her, keep hitting her with truth darts, or do I just go and fake it. I want to stop pushing her away. I don't want to be at all like the hurt guy anymore.

I'm thinking... "No W... I already have plans for lunch with S11. Thanks." No truth dart. Just truth.

How's that?

Your view is so biased here that it's hard to assess her behavior objectively. But for instance, I don't see her reaching out as a "poke"...

I think As a temporary measure, the avoidance is what you seem to need. It IS avoidance, ftr. But Do what you need to do for now.

I personally dislike the term "truth dart" b/c the emphasis usually ends up being on the "dart" part and is a thinly veiled insult that is used by bitter LBSers, b/c the truth itself is sufficient in my opinion.

To quote my DB coach on this--

"Life will show them the consequences of their choices. It's Not a spouse's job to do that, or to 'teach a lesson' to a spouse. Life will teach them the lessons."

So you don't have to take that "Duty" on anymore, okay?

But you're right that it won't make you look UNLike the hurt guy...so figure out how long it'll be before you can handle time with her.

THEN, Build on small things.

When she picks up your son, see it as a SHORT but real opportunity to show the new improved self confident YOU,

NOT the tortured soul in pain h that she left -- but a guy who has a life she'd want to share in...it's just 3 minutes of your life. Dress for it, wear some NEW different cologne and look slightly hurried but happy/excited, like you have places to go as soon as she's out of sight...

You can make an impression in that time, and happily see your son off with her (which is a lot better for him btw, than staying inside and sending him out alone).

Wave and say "have a good time!" and for all it's worth, act as if YOU KNOW YOU are going to have a good time doing your new mystery thing too. And then, make that true.

GAL and see each time apart from your son, as the opportunity you never had before, to explore new things you've wanted to explore.

Any new hobbies? Classes? Places or topics to explore? Groups, clubs or teams to join? Chances to coach or volunteer?

Can you make yourself join something THIS month? That would be great.

I don't know how to detach without GAL. So start with GAL for reals, and not a lot of it needs to involve your son.

Some of this has to be pushing you out into areas you are new to, to stretch and grow and meet new people who do not know your situation. Get your mind off things.

Heal...get your strength up, and take forward steps...

make sense?