New England Newcomer

[25yearsmlc]

As for the questions related to work. My promotion in 2013 definitely increased my workload at home and at work, while also increasing travel.

I didn't meant to sound dismissive. I am fully aware it had a large impact on our relationship, I am also very sure she felt like an only parent. She travels a lot as well, and we would literally pass each other in planes while the grandparents were watching the kids. It was no way to live.

I am trying to find a way to leave that job. My resume is out at multiple other companies, I am also trying to develop my own business. I want to be the father that is present, that isn't stressed with an unworkable situation. I always wanted to be the father that coaches his kids sports teams and I intend on being that person.

Mahhty, this^^ comment hit me hard, but mostly in a good way.

On one hand, it makes me feel wistful for what my own life plan was, and how a career change on h's part, (to go to medical school at the age of 30) more or less changed things dramatically.


I'm not bitter now, but I could have been and was on my way to that. Maybe it's good that I met bitter doctor's wives many years ago. Then, I swore I'd never sound like them and I hope I don't.

Yet now when I meet young people interested in medicine, I always ask them if they also want families...not that they cannot have them, but that they have to be realistic about what is coming. In fairness to my h and myself, neither of us had a realistic view of how hard medical school and the rest, would be. And we were brand new parents who did not know how time consuming having children is, (or should be).

Here's what I really wanted you to know--- Your comment mostly reminded me of a neighbor/father I know. Several years ago, he led the pack of us taking our kids trick or treating on Halloween, while our spouses did the hand out candy routine.

The neighbor, "Eric", mentioned his new job that was closer to home. Less of a commute meant more family time.

Another father w/us, Bet Eric that the career move was a "big pay increase" and Eric said 'No, it was a DECREASE in pay, but I have a ton more time now. I'm coaching s12's team and can go to the D's recitals..." At that moment in time I had so wished my h could have heard Eric say that. "What a great dad", I recall thinking.

But I happened to know Eric's w, a good friend of mine. She had a "come to Jesus!" talk with him some months before, claiming that he "didn't really even know their children." She challenged him to become a more present father and to his credit, he did.

Eric made himself a much bigger part of his kids' lives from then on.

It's a really good thing b/c only about 18 months after that Halloween, after really inserting himself more into his children's lives & establishing independent r's with each child, his life took a dramatic turn.

One night after we all played cards, my friend, his wife, said she had a "splitting headache, something's wrong", and she died quite suddenly of an aneurysm, at age 42, with 4 kids (age 7 to 14).

Eric & the kids were bereft. But they were close and knew their dad loved them, and he knew them each of them as individual people. Eric had real r's with each of his children so when his w died, they were Not hurt AND alone, but shared their grief together, and helped to heal together.

It may sound a little crazy but I always felt that his w had some sort of premonition, or at least wanted to make SURE he was very close to his kids in case she wasn't always around, and it turned out to have been a wonderful thing she helped create, b/c of that later tragedy.

Mahhty, you are right to want that kind of life style, but you must follow up and make it happen. It won't land in your lap. I don't mean to be morbid now, but it's well worth remembering that tomorrow, is promised to no one,
and life seems much shorter to me these days.

Besides, ALL of you will benefit from that "time for coaching" career move, regardless of any choice your w may make.

In fact, if you divorce, you having more time for your kids will matter even more, I think. I also think your inserting yourself into the kids lives more, makes a divorce a bit less likely, but that's not really the main point of this.

At this stage, if I were you, I'd stay the course and trust that with the tincture of time, your w may well come out of this. It won't be linear and neither will the progress, so bear that in mind as well. This is NOT a linear process.

So that I know I'm not glossing over anything and that you are not, what specifically are your 180s and some traits you'd like to work on, to become the best Mahhhty you can become? Working on those and not pursuing your wife for now, seems wisest to me.

But things evolve and change and adjustments can be made, in time. I hope that with your changes being made, when she looks your way and sees that they are real, lasting changes, she'll take a second look.

Frankly, it's very hard for me to imagine a mother who once loved her h, seeing him be a great dad, and more available to her than before (and whatever other changes you are making, sticking) then, NOT second guessing herself.

No woman is unmoved by seeing her children lovingly interacting with their dad. I know some women stay with their h's solely because of that. So do make it happen.

Here's to your new year being a year of growth, renewed spirituality & commitment, love and peace within.