barely holding on - 6

[u-turn]

I know there is no other way.

I guess my boundaries are a little different than what yours were though and it may be ego-driven (but really just my values). I will not stay in an open marriage. (and I know that "stay" is an arbitrary word that has no timeline)(the word stay to me is my weakness and I think she knows it - so I am now thinking "Be" instead of "stay").

She does not mention or flaunt OM in any way. But she knows that I know. She avoids and lies about it all together. It is "completely" underground. Only by my observations and her flawed stories do I know what's going on any more. She has hidden it from everyone - except one of her friends. If I shut my eyes real hard and didn't care where she was, I would not know it was happening. I just do not think I can continue this way.

If I do not enforce my boundary, I believe the A will continue for who knows how long and I will feel weaker.

I do not think that by stating this boundary it will change her (and I do not understand why as I say that I would change for her). So the action will have to be S&D.

She hasn't really been my wife in a long time anyway.

[u-turn]

thanks JCred
for some reason - this just appeared.

I Know I am too wordy and want to soften what I say - and this is not something that can be softened.

I have a lot to absorb today.

[JCred]

I Know I am too wordy and want to soften what I say - and this is not something that can be softened.

One can say it soft so long as one means what they say....

[u-turn]

JCred-
Is it unimportant to say why? I guess she and I both know. I guess it would seem like an ultimatum if I went into the details.

She is asking for what I want to do and this would be it.

Your version:

I have been doing some thinking in the last few days and this is what I have decided. I've decided that our current situation is not going to work for me. maybe you are right - our marriage will not survive.

You are, and have always been free to leave and I think that would best for us. I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, and I now understand and hear you loud and clear. You really don't want to be with me and l don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I've been settling for less for too long. So you can do what you want and I'm going to do what I want. I'm going to start wanting something better for me.

I do think we should separate and I think it would be best if you moved out as soon as possible.


--painful (as I hear my kids in the background talking)--

[Wonka]

U,

What do you really want??

[u-turn]

I'm coming to grips with the reality that I am not going to be able to get what I really want - so a second best is I don't want to be in pain any more (and I know that is something that is up to me).

[Wonka]

U,

Work with me here, okay?

Grips to the reality of what exactly?
Where is the pain coming from?
What is the pain in response to fill-the-blank ....?

Dig deep, buddy.

What are those fears that are appearing now? I've sat on the fear sofa several times and worked through them layer by layer.

[T-Mom]

Yeah, u-turn! What ARE those fears? Maybe if I know yours, I can figure mine out!!! Just kidding!!!...kinda...

[u-turn]

Sorry about that.
I have been waiting this out with the hope that W will see the light. ALWAYS thinking (even knowing) that this WILL happen. No matter what self improvements that I did and am doing, no matter what steps I have taken to be a better person, she never really had any complaints about me in the first place. So I never really knew what I was up against.

So were the changes in vain? no, I know I have faults and still do. I know she is not alone in this.

But with NO improvement in our situation, a full retreat back to the day I found out in March and no apparent plan to do any better, I have to be real that it just is not going to happen. W is gone.

The pain is STILL over the loss of my marriage to W - and it sounds sappy, but this is something that I have always valued more than anything. And really it might be from seeing my W become a person that I cannot be married to because of a change in her values. Someone that could do this to another person. I thought I was done with all of these feelings.

I have thought through what it would be like without her - and can do it and I will be great.

But I still do not want to give up too early.
But she has made her decision.

That's the mess that's going on up there.

[JCred]

Is it unimportant to say why? I guess she and I both know. I guess it would seem like an ultimatum if I went into the details.

If she wants to know why.. Just stick to the simple script..
(by the way. if she does ask you why, then that is a GOOD thing...) keep to the message and repeat.... don't get wordy..
show no negative emotion... show matter of fact and decisive emotions.. Keep it short

Her: Why?
U-turn: I don't know how I feel anymore and this isn't working for me. There really isn't anything to talk about (said matter of fact) I really don't want to talk about this anymore.. Anyway, I have to go to ____________(fill in the blank with an activity you are passionate about and end the conversation and go)



U-turn,I would like you to understand how letting go and pulling away works. It takes off the pressure. Pressure NEVER works to get someone to love you. So, by letting go, you are taking off the pressure.

When you pressure someone to love you or to get them to do something they don't think they want to do their thoughts go something like this (ours work like this too when we feel pressured)

Her: I just don't feel like I love U-turn. I keep thinking of how great OM is. I don't want to hurt him, but I just don't
feel in love with him.. Etc, etc. etc...

Do you see that when we are pressured, how most of our thoughts are to think about pushing against the thing pressuring us? (look up the true meaning of pressure)(the exertion of force upon a surface by an object)

Now.. When someone takes off all pressure for you to do something against their will.... suddenly their thoughts start to change...

Her: (after you let go) This is probably just another tactic to get me back. I doubt he means it. If he is serious (and I DO sense a change in his demeanor here though)...

Her: What if I am making a big mistake? Maybe I should break it off with OM. Did U-turn meet someone else? I do feel guilty for what I have done, but....

Her: (as more time goes by) Maybe it can work. I do know he has tried. He is a good man. I know I have hurt him..

U-turn, she won't have those thoughts or have a chance to have them UNTIL you let her go and let her be FREE to be with you or not be with you. The pressure acts as a guard to keep her from even thinking those types of things....

Didn't you and your wife ever have a disagreement about something in which she wanted one thing but you wanted something else? Then she finally caves and gives in to what you want? And THEN you instantly want to change YOUR mind and give her what she initially wanted?...

That's how it works when the pressure is off to get her way..

Women are attracted to men who are confident, happy, emotionally stable and have a BACKBONE. Men who stand strong when she is walking on him....... "."This is what I have decided

This has been my experience with women for many years and I have seen it in action also by many other men who have had success with women. The men who I have observed to not be successful with women are the ones who do NOT exhibit those traits....