barely holding on - 6

[Starsky309]

U,

I have not yet had time to read all your sitch, but I have seen the RobX "let them go" approach work very effectively. HOWEVER, do NOT do it via a letter/email/text; it MUST be done in person, while looking her square in the eye.

Also, if you add what you're wanting to add "this isn't what I want") you might as well not even bother, as that pretty much negates all of the rest of it. You want to come across as "this wasn't what I ORIGINALLY wanted, but now I realize that this isn't working for me either and I value myself too much to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me," and "I see that now. "

Otherwise, she will see thru this as just another tactic to get her back. The whole key to this approach is for her to sense that "oh my, I've gone too far ... u-turn is moving on!"

Starsky

[u-turn]

thanks for swooping in Wonka!

my goal/intention: I am done playing her game and want to tell her that. I haven't gotten to the part where I tell her that I do not want nor do I want the kids to move out of the house. I do not see real improvement in our situation. She is and can be nice to me, but this means very little to me at this point. She is still with OM and I do not want to have another year like 14.

I think I will do better if she leaves.

But as you can clearly tell - I am broken up by this decision and still want a different outcome.

[u-turn]

Starsky - thank you for looking in on me.
I understand not adding "this is not what I want" makes this all sound like I can be manipulated back into ignore mode while she figures things out. I like the way you put the "originally" in there.

I think we both realize that this is not going away. She doesn't want it to go away and I cannot make it go away.

It is tough to do this face to face because she basically runs away when she knows an actual conversation about us is about to begin and I think that is why she asked for it in writing (so she could just throw it away and ignore it).

[Wonka]

U,

Here is a part of Dev's letter that addresses the A head-on. We've also helped HP compose his no A letter to his wife too.

I want to be clear on some things. One is that I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way should you choose to continue on this path. Two, I am not willing live in an open marriage with a third party.

We will not be friends should you decide to proceed with a D. Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by continuing your affair with OM. It is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and our family. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other.

Going forward starting now, as long as you are involved in an affair with the OM, our communication only be focused on the logistics of the children's schedules, their issues, and exchanges.

We have some decisions to make here. When you’re ready, please let me know your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Devaste

[u-turn]

thanks HP
I understand the need to do this face to face. I wish my financial situation allowed for a separation as yours did. I never planned for this (not saying you did).

I do not want to move out of the house - I wouldn't really care, but I want to stay there with the kids until they are out of school.

I know I cannot force her to leave - we both own everything.

She has not threatened to leave, separate, or divorce me - I wish she would. She just wants to ignore everything.

[JCred]

I would encourage you to make the following changes...
It's too long. It isn't decisive. If a letter like this doesn't sound confident and decisive, then it looks much
weaker.... Make it decisive (I have decided type comments) and stop the finger pointing at her.. Just tell her it isn't working for you and what you have decided...

W,
As you probably know, I've been trying to think of solutions or at least ways to work on us. But I have been doing some thinking in the last few days AND this is what I have decided. I've decided that our current situation is not going to work for me. I know that as long as you are having an affair we cannot work on our marriage, you are not with me, and this does not work for me anymore. I have been fighting hard but maybe you are right - our marriage will not survive. You are seeking your emotional needs from another man, not your husband.
[/color]
You have wanted me to heal, but I don't believe that I can move forward with my life while seeing you disrespect me and our marriage. You are, and have always been free to leave and I think that would best for us. I cannot stop you from seeing him, but I do not have to [/color]live with this disrespect.

I know we need to do the what's best for the kids, but continuing to play happy family is not teaching the kids what a marriage really is.

If you really want to be with him, I can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had a lot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, and I now understand and hear you loud and clear. You really don't want to be with me and l don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. and that's what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games.

I've been settling for less for too long. I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want and I'm going to do what I want. I'm going to start wanting something better for me.

I do think we should separate and I think it would be best if you moved out as soon as possible. as I do not see our situation improving.
U-turn

[JCred]

I have not yet had time to read all your sitch, but I have seen the RobX "let them go" approach work very effectively. HOWEVER, do NOT do it via a letter/email/text; it MUST be done in person, while looking her square in the eye.

Also, if you add what you're wanting to add "this isn't what I want") you might as well not even bother, as that pretty much negates all of the rest of it. You want to come across as "this wasn't what I ORIGINALLY wanted, but now I realize that this isn't working for me either and I value myself too much to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me," and "I see that now. "

THIS IS CORRECT AND SPOT ON..... EXCELLENT......
Follow this type of advice.....

[u-turn]

Thanks again Wonka,
I think this is great. The trouble I am having finding the right words is this:
-she has never said that SHE wants a divorce or separation
-all of this is just my reaction to the affair
-I am having definite troubles detaching while we are living together. I know this is enviable to some people, but it is very hard for me. I still see her as someone I want to work everything out with and I still wait for that.

Also, my words often do not come out as planned in face to face conversations. Is a letter weak? I know what I am saying and have said in a letter.

I will work on my script.
Thanks again

[jim0987]

Hi u turn.

I think the thing to remember is that they will notice actions more than words and ultimately a letter is just words. HP's thread had some really good advice on this - not saying you should do the same but his actions led to a reaction.

When I ask to my wife she just ignores me, regardless of whether it is in her interest. When I take action and tell her courteously what I've done I get an immediate reaction.

My wife for ages told me she was miserable but it was only when she took action I really listened.

Worth baring in mind

[Wonka]

U,

Since W is living at home and openly engaging with OM, you MUST set boundaries and enforce them.

I got angry one day and told Ms. Wonka in no uncertain terms that the OW wasn't permitted to come near or in the house ever after I learned the extent of the A. Ms. Wonka heeded my boundary and met with the OW outside of the house. She knew by my tone and demeanor that I meant business. I didn't have to enforce it because she never crossed it because she CLEARLY understood it and frankly was scared to even test it.

No letter or email. You might want to compose a few and try out by yourself to ensure that you're clear and firm before actually telling W in person from a place of strength and calmness.

Do a few practice runs in front of the mirror when nobody is at home.