And wonka please accept my apologies, it wasn't my intent to call you daft
I think I get what you're saying now (I think).
Financially Ive done what I can to protect myself in the long-term. I have avoided the disagreements over the current monthly bills because at the moment its only �150 quid differencr or so and I'm lucky enough that I can afford this (I'm also much better off than pre-BD). It doesn't seem worth it. Anytime my wife starts on this I offer to go through all the statements with her and work it out accurately - she immediately backs down.
Next step financially is to get an informal agreement signed. This will form the consent order as part of the D and is the UK govt recommended way if doing things. For me this has to be a 'clean break' agreement so D may have to be issued to do this. It will likely screw up my wife's timeline but that's not my problem (her reaction might be). The current delay is her doing but she won't accept that so I've basically stated what I've done and what I will do next. The 'clean break' is the only sticking point and in truth I suspect she will back down when it comes to it.
Kids is more complex. Courts don't like to get involved and we have an agreement which suits us both. W keeps threatening to take the kids to MILs 3 hrs away and has previously said that I will never see them again (I've told my solicitor). In her mind, she has said this, she is already being more than reasonable by not moving permanently away. She is operating from the POV that she will win a custody battle which unless I prove she is an unfit mother (which she isn't) is 75% likely under the UK system. Its not in my interest or the kids to pull the trigger on this one, though I continue to discuss appropriate precautions with my solicitor.
She denies the adulterous relationship, which is a lie but I can't prove that. Nothing I can do except call her a liar. She has said she left me because she knew she would cheat on me because I made her 'so miserable' with my 'constant accusations'. Besides she says its none of my business as our marriage is over in anything but legal terms.
I will say again pretty much everything she has said about my behaviour in the relationship is true but only half the story. It is the half I must own. And yes given my half I can't see why she would even countenance the idea of rebuilding a marriage with me (for that matter most people don't get why I still want a relationship with her). She was properly miserable for a few years and it seems she thinks that is 100% my fault. I can't change that memory and I can't argue with it, I can only not be that guy anymore (which I'm working on). I still have a lot of guilt and anger on this but I'm working on it, let's say I'm 'in piecing' with myself. It hurts to hear it and feel it but for the most part I'm able to say 'and this is what I'm doing about that'. Not a clue how we would rebuild if it came to that.
So I suppose I see it as the consequence of her actions that I have to live with is the end of our marriage and the broken hone for our children, I'm not happy about this but there is nothing I can do to change her mind for her except show the best version of me to the extent that our interactions allow (not much chance for fun or affection). To me that means calm, open, not reactionary, not judgemental (really hard for me), and respectful of her decisions. When her spew drifted into patronising me I told her that that's what it felt like and she apologised (in a still patronising way) but then backed down.
I'm giving her exactly what she wants in so far as it doesn't compromise me in relation to the kids or the finances. To that end the rest is all on her whether she sees it or not and if its not making her happy then I know its not me despite what she says. (No guilt for me to wrestle with). I'm not stood in her way at all.
In the meantime she can spew and justify because nothing I say is going to make her realise any different, but being present, calm and not reacting with sarcasm or excuses is a big 180 for me and is something I can do. Maybe there should ve more immediate consequences to her spew but I don't see what they should be or what I gain. Im trying to be more Buddhist monk about it.
So its not quite 'frankly my dear, I don't give a damn'
Its more 'I know what I need out of this and that's what I'm going to get, and with that and my own personal growth I know I'll be fine. The rest is about want and I'm prepared to let my wants go as I don't need them'
Finally (at last you might think) DB says not to progress the divorce let them do it all. For me this is the least inflammatory and least controlling option so makes sense and doesn't appear to do me any harm. My biggest concern is that I look weak and wet noodle doing this, if she files in the way I expect her to.
Filing (which seems to be the consensus) makes a very clear statement that I do not wish to be married to an adulterous liar (judgement) and appears/feels like shutting the door. She knows what she's losing and is overtly happy with that, so I don't think it makes her feel the loss any more just gives her another 'see look how awful he's being, accusing me of stuff' and risks her escalating.
As always I'm quite lengthy in my explanation and am grateful for you taking the time to read it and help me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm not detached I still want my marriage and even though I know its over I've not fully accepted that. What I have accepted is that I need to change who I am and overcome 34 years of insecurity that's has played a big part in the loss of this relationship. DB'g and the support here is helping me to do that and living those changes is the only real prospect for making my W reconsider.
Either way I do think she will have moved out and the divorce will be finalised before any reconciliation could occur. right now her focus is moving out to her own place and pursuing her relationship with OM1. In truth I think it might only be many years and several relationships down the line for her to even consider it. I won't be standing for that long, and then if it's meant to be it will be.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
