wow. I can't believe it's been 3 years post bd. so much has changed and yet so much remains the same. I haven't posted in ages and I think partly it was because I didn't know what to say. I often felt I should stop whining and just get over it. But there are so many things that run through your mind.. So many things you need to say.. That friends and family have long stopped listening to.. If that makes any sense.
H and I have been separated for about 3 years now. No formal separation papers.. No talk about D.. I'm not sure whether this is because I'm scared that it will really finalize things or whether it's just because there doesn't seem to be a need at the moment. There are moments where i feel like punching him out and think.. I NEED A D! But the after the moment, I just leave it to rest.
We live separate lives.. Cordial.. Friendly.. He has been good with money.. I have the kids full time with him taking the kids every other weekend. We try and accommodate if the other has to work... It's all very weird. For ex. This Christmas.. Big family dinner at my mom's and he is there also.
I really don't know what the heck I'm doing. I was dating for a while but one day I realized.. I wanted to be alone rather than with any of these guys. I don't know if it's just because I haven't met the right one.. Or whether I am destined for spinsterhood. I have periods of extreme sadness that I am alone but then have moments where I feel.. Thank goodness I'm alone rather than be weighed down by someone who didn't love me.
But for the most part I know I'm a better person today. Stronger.. Kinder.. I recognize how much I value empathy.. Integrity.. And so I try to I still these in my kids. Some days i feel I totally suck as a parent but then there are others where I feel I'm doing ok.
Ok.. Some weirdness I have been wanting to just vent about and say.. What the???? H was telling me how he had taught the kids to cast a fishing line (because his mom had given the kids fishing poles on her last visit).. And then he said to me "you should get a fishing pole" to which I said "why???". And he said "so we can go fishing". It's these type of things where I need to just say what the???????
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I get the WTF very well. My wife (who does not wear her rings and may have a PA going on and is planning on moving out) will state things like..."We are almost out of wood...what will we do next year...where are we going during spring break...we need new windows" REALLY, you must be kidding, are you out of your mind? WTF?
It comes from her wanting the security of the relationship and your H may want that also, or he may be reaching out (I do not know the extent of your situation) or he may just want to do somthing with you and the kids for the kids sake. All of these are possibilities. Sorry that I did not have much for you but know that this is common...
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Yesterday at my W family Christmas party (annual, been going for entire 12 years of R) she says, "You can still come to this every year... Will you want to?" She didn't like my answer of, "who knows how either of us will feel next year, that's a long time away." Point is, I was thinking the exact same thing you were...WTF?? No clue what it means.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
I am solidly divorced, and the day my X finally moved into his own home (I bought our home....)he supposed he and I would be driving around in an RV when we were 70 visiting our grandkids.
Indeed WTF! I have been enjoying my time alone. I seem to attract losers. Or maybe Hawaii does ;-)
So maybe they just want to be friends. Heck with friends like that who needs enemies.
I miss my old life. But just the good parts, which in actuality were few and far between. I don't miss the part where pretty much I was his servant who asked "How high?" each time he said "Jump!"
And yes, lots of thoughts run through my head. With a strong desire to talk, mull, muse over the details. Like the line in the song "Miserable" by Lit we use up all of our friends.......
Anyway, keep floating!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Hrdtims, thanks for the visit to my post. I don't know if it's any of the reasons you suggested. I've sort of put myself in the mindset of just closing the door and walking away. I mean.. When he leaves, I just say goodbye and shut the door. Or when I drive away, I don't look back. I don't want to put myself in the frame of mind where I dwell..
Here is the latest what the? Moment... We use to do some camping together. I introduced him to North American tent camping as he grew up doing the caravan by the beach in South Africa. He does way more camping now because he has the free time without the kids. Anyway, I have been thinking of doing a solo camp trip on the Oregon coast. I just want to read.. Stare at the ocean.. To be alone with my thoughts to feel and process whatever it is that needs to be processed. I mentioned to H (because we always have these casual conversations when we're in each other's company) and he went on to say.. 1 or 2 days is fine but usually people start feeling a loopy at the solitude after too much time. So I said.. Ok. Well maybe I will invite bff to come with me. Just the other day, he brought it up again and said.. Did I want to plan a trip together (camping/hiking)? We didn't even need to camp together but close by so that I wouldn't feel alone because there would be someone close by but not necessarily in my space.
Like.. What the?? So weird.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Most of my WTF moments occur when X is genuinely surprised I am participating in a family event, as at our daughter’s recent graduation. I used to try to be considerate of her, participating, but remaining in the background. No more, perhaps she is having WTF moments now.
I made a solo trip to Yosemite last summer. It was wonderful. Of course there were moments when I reflected and wished she was present, but I proved to myself I am fine solo and will continue to be so. You will be fine also and as you take each step along your path you have an opportunity to grow stronger.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
