The anti-versary and other musings

[Train]

Awww thank y'all for checking in and touching base!

A trip is a great idea for Valentine's Day. I've also thought of maybe just making it an entirely kid-centered thing at home. Kinda like Christmas Round 2. But with no gifts. Maybe we could come up with a family-oriented community-service project since it's "the day of love." Hmmmm. Now you got me thinking, Bunches!!!

And then there's always staying drunk through it. twin, you know me so well.

Wonka, hey!!!! To answer your question, I'd have to give you a half-enthusiastic "yeah ... maybe." But it feels like more than that. I mean, the innocence in our romantic love ended the first time it happened 9 years ago. But that many years had passed. I had forgiven H. And I loved him to pieces, even though I clearly fell down on my job of being a good partner who was in-tune with his needs. I still trusted him and thought he was great as of last year. And I bragged on him a lot. Because I think he's fundamentally a really great guy. But will I ever be able to call him my "rock," like I did - without hesitation - just a year ago? Will I ever feel the weight of this lift? Will I ever be able to say - without hesitation and doubt - that he's my partner in life and the man of my dreams? I just don't know. There's a WHOLE LOTTA hesitation in me right now. Keep in mind my H got OW1 pregnant when I was pregnant in 2005. And somehow I welcomed him back with open arms. This time, maybe it's just that I'm super-hesitant to allow myself to fall back IN love with him. Maybe it'll just come in time and after he's been consistent. But for how long? Another 9 years?? That's rhetorical; I know I can't put a timeframe on it.

I don't want to be naive again. And I don't want to feel that hurt for a third time. Or ever again. I dunno. That's the best way I can explain it. It's more than the loss of innocence. I'm honestly afraid I won't find trust with him ever again. Or be able to forge a deep, strong connection that I know I can depend on. It feels really lonely. And sad.