Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[TLEE86]

C, here's a chest bump. CF's don't hug... =) thank you as usual for taking the time to respond so thoroughly to my sitch. Really makes me smile when I see its you that checked in on my thread.

Part of the problem with trying to follow my plan is that H will give me a pretty song and dance about how he wants to talk more or blah blah and then I get sucked in because I (foolishly) think -- "oh this is it, this can be where we're going to make progress." That and the fact that I miss him. Miss him DEEPLY.

C...we are both continuing to struggle so bad with this. And I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it besides continue to say No Expectations. I understand what you are saying, I really REALLY do. We take what H/W says at face value, and start thinking hey...maybe he/she will really change/call/talk more...maybe this is going to be better now, and then after 1-2 days/weeks of good stuff, they revert back to their old habits and we are crushed because were thinking..."hey didn't you JUST tell me you wanted to do this?" Case in point, W called me 3 times on Christmas Eve, right after we had that convo about me not liking how she responds to messages slowly. Next few days is pure awesomeness. Obviously you've read my sitch, and now I'm crushed because like you...its "hey, you just told me were gonna work on this part..."

The reality is, he's deep within his own depression. His own [censored]. And he's falling back into the old habits that he wants to break. And taking me along with him. I'm tired of it. Which is why I'm stepping off the train. Short term goal: NC for a week. Long term goal tbd.

I want to control it, because I want it to work out. I feel the need to fix it, because I was blindsided by this. It came out of nowhere.

NC for a week. What are you going to do if he initiates again? Last time you tried this you said he kinda prevented this because he wanted to talk all of a sudden. Also, I thought you said NC was a bad idea given what he said in MC?

C....we can NOT fix this. You tell me this every day. The more we try, the less that gets accomplished. Remember that link you shared with me from Maybell's thread? from ROBX i think? Slow is fast...fast is slow...remember that, I know I need it too. We are both trying so desperately to fix it because it blindsided us, hit us like a ton of bricks, and we are scrambling to do something, ANYTHING to make it better. You know theres nothing you can do right now but be PATIENT and work on yourself. I know how bad you want this M of yours to work out, and I am praying it does. But you have got to let go of the reigns a little and let H sit in the drivers seat. Because like it or not, thats where he's sitting.

I'm back to feeling like I did right after the BD. I had a long cry last night at home. I'm exhausted right now. I feel very fragile, and like I'm one bad comment from a cry fest at home. I'm angry. Angry that H didn't put his trust in me to talk to me about his feelings. I'm angry at myself for not seeing this coming. I'm sad that after 10 years, we've been reduced down to this. I'm sad that we can't even talk to one another because of how angry we both are with our individually feelings. I'm upset that my H doesn't want to be with me, right now (as he likes to say -- so I guess that's a positive, we've moved up from I'm divorcing you to, I don't want to be with you right now). I'm upset that my H felt lost while he was with me (and I don't know if that has anything to do with me -- but I'm taking it personally, and I probably shouldn't).I'm sad that he's so unhappy.

C, im so sorry you are hurting this much right now. You being a million different emotions is 100% understandable, you know that. I literally feel like I could have cut and pasted this section and put it in my own thread because thats my feelings for the past 3 months. How did our beautiful M get reduced to this...shell of a relationship. My W has said almost the exact same things as your H...that she is lost when she was with me. Now she's on a journey to find herself. Just like your H is...but you have to let him do it. I can see how much you care about H, just in this tiny paragraph. You're angry at yourself for letting it get to this point but you're upset even more that you're H is sad and depressed. I can see how much you care C...but you've got to let go a little bit and try not to focus on controlling the outcome. Time is on your side. Look at the positives, just like you are, focus on that. Find your happy place...for you probably the CF gym. (Im picturing Camille right now...haha). Keep your head up C. H will come out of his bat cave sooner or later. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will be the one he sees when he emerges from the dark.

Screw it. Even CF's can hug. So here's a big giant bear hug.