The anti-versary and other musings

[Train]

Okay, so now that the complete chaos of the holidays is over (whew! I am SO gonna reevaluate the way I "do" the holidays next year!), it's maybe time for a little update.

First, I hope all y'all are doing well. All the kids - and H - are trying to get over the flu. Passed right through with Santa Claus, it seems. NC is being hit awfully hard with it. Seems we're at the tail-end of it here - and I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that I've disinfected the house and my hands (80 million times an hour) well enough to keep myself from getting it. (Clearly, I'd rather have it than watch the kids go through it, but if they're gonna get it anyway, they need to have a healthy momma to take care of them, right?)

Second order of business: D18 is halfway through her pregnancy already ... and IT'S A GIRL!!!!! I've stayed busy sewing goodies for her but still have a longgggg list awaiting. Still no Baby Daddy to speak of. But all is well here. Things are moving right along. And D18 doesn't look a day pregnant! Lucky dog! (She WAS NOT so good to ME 19 years ago!)

As for H and me? We're still trudging right along, too. You know I've told y'all he doesn't read. He really, really doesn't. Maybe an article here or there, but that's it. But the other day? He found one of my books on the different needs of men and women, and I looked over and - lo and behold! - he was reading a book!!! He's reading a chapter a day, it seems.

The strangest thing is happening, though, and it really blows. He does not realize this (I don't know if/how to approach it without coming across as a Class A b!tch or whiny-wad. I mean, is honesty ALWAYS the best policy? What are your thoughts?) Every time I'm browsing my FB newsfeed, or searching Pinterest or articles for DIY projects, etc., and I run across an "I love my husband!" or "Happily ever after!" or "My husband is my entire world!" or "He's my dream come true," or "My husband is my rock and anchor!," I literally feel like vomitting. And I simultaneously get so sad. I have SO lost that feeling. Like, not only have I lost the feeling of being so "blindly" or over-the-top in love with my H, I currently feel no hope of EVER feeling that way again.

I have friends who went through this 25ish years ago, and they are head-over-heels in love with each other again. Like, silly in love. And they've been married 30 years.

Maybe it's because it's happened twice in our M. Maybe it's because I'm still not even close to the average 2-year mark that it takes to really start coming out the other side of this.

Because my H is doing most *everything* right. And, if you could see how we interact on a daily basis, you'd probably say I'm doing most everything right, too. Like, he's trying soooo hard and is making it look effortless. And it's enough to keep me satisfied and even feel happy every now and again. But it isn't enough to make me feel hopeful, much less naive and goo-goo eyed about our love and future.

Like, I know it's a man's need to be admired and adored. And I do that when I can and when it's genuine. But I used to post things on my social-media accounts about how smart and helpful and talented and marvelous he is. I was still doing that until a week or so before BD. I literally cannot bring myself to do it now. I don't know if it's because so many people know what happened, and I feel I look like a fool. Or if it's because I FEEL like a fool for being so publicly mushy-gushy last year right before the rug was pulled out from under me (again). I mean, I'm not above speculating that MAYBE it's my ego. Or maybe it's the simple fact that I just don't have those intense love-feelings for him right now. And I'm deeply afraid I won't get them back.

I just don't feel the LOVE, even though I feel it FROM him. I am refusing to look at the future because every time I do, I just assume he'll cheat again. And I don't want to be guided by THAT feeling. Right now, it's one day at a time. And I feel I should be progressing a little more by now. It's been eight months since he's been home.

Let me be clear: I'm not going anywhere. I'm sticking this M out for the long haul. I still wake up every day, convinced I am doing what's right for myself, my M and my family. But I feel sometimes I am possibly denying myself a future of actually *feeling* happy-love again. I don't want to be naive. I don't want to be a freakin' princess. But I DO want the kind of love that I can be proud of. And I do want to be proud of my H and our M. Right now, I'm simply not.

Starsky, you know the question that's coming: Am I normal??!?

I'm also wondering just how much the pending anti-versary is playing in my emotional state. Our 11th wedding anniversary is Valentine's Day, and BD was five days later this year. H was sending selfies to OW from upstairs, on his way down to take me to dinner at our favorite restaurant last V-Day. Our 10-year anniversary.

I can't even think of that restaurant now without feeling sick to my stomach. I've nixed it as a place to go - for the first year ever - this coming V-Day. In fact - sigh - I've nixed V-Day altogether. I told H months ago that I don't even want to hear mention of Valentine's Day - or our anniversary - on Feb. 14. No gifts. No pink and red. No cards. No "Happy Anniversary." I want it to be just like any other mundane day. He was upset about it. But that day just doesn't *at all* feel happy for me. Or like one I want to remember. Certainly I don't want to celebrate it. There's nothing to celebrate except that's pretty much the day we got married ... and 10 years later, it was pretty much the day our M was ripped apart.

I kinda want to find a hole to crawl in, say, Feb. 1st-ish and just stay there a couple months.

I just don't remember feeling this way the last time (in 2005/06). In fact, that time I was over-the-moon in love with him from pretty much the moment he walked back through our door.

I don't know WHAT is going on with me this time. But I so wish I didn't feel this way. And I sooooo hope that time and effort helps to snap me out of it.

I don't believe that the stroke of midnight tomorrow night - or any other year - changes luck or stints of sh!t in life. But I've never looked more forward to at least the *symbolism* of putting a year marked with "trauma" - infidelity, wrecks, encounters with psychos, and grappling with becoming a 37-year-old grandma - behind me and starting in a new place. I really, really hope 2015 brings happiness to a group of people here who have felt entirely too much sadness in 2014.

And for all the people who stick around here to help shepherd people out of that dark place? I'm hoping for a bright and happy and promising 2015 for y'all, too. And Starsky, I've been thinking of you and your family as we approach February, too, in the event nothing has changed since the last time we chatted about your (grand)daughter moving.

Much love (and well-wishes) to all of you ...