I've been getting helpful messages from all over the place, so if it's time for me to open my mind to Joel Osteen then I am willing to do so.
I took the kids to see an amazing light display this evening and we had SUCH a great time. Then we got home and somehow D11 just fell to bits. Turned into a gigantic temper tantrum. It threatened to turn really ugly. But somehow... It cut short. I don't know if it was me or her that made it stop, but somehow, it slowed and then stopped. Thank God. Truly.
I worry so much about her. She's all locked up in herself. If I try to talk seriously to her she does everything she can to divert me. She behaves utterly absurdly trying to keep me from talking to her. It works with H. He laughs and "forgets" to hold her accountable (she told me this).
She was demonstrating her Daddy Distraction techniques and laughing and her eyes filled with tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't know and didn't want to think about it. Started cutting up again. I said, "you don't have to talk about it a lot. If you can just say to yourself X is bothering me you'll feel better." She said No. And I dropped it. The bell was rung.
She weeps at the idea of counseling, it scares her so much. I worry about her.
Had a pleasant, shallow exchange by email with H today about boys' upcoming birthdays. He initiated. Nothing to report.
My MIL gave me a very generous Christmas gift. H said, "she's trying." I forgive her. Shes unhappy in her own marriage; not a great resource for her struggling son. My FIL tried to call the house last night while I was out. He hasn't called here in eight months and it makes me wonder what's up. Que sera sera.
I don't know if I have a long haul in me. If we have to sell this house that we closed on after he started the affair... I don't know if I would have it in me to let him into my life again if I have to go through that because of his selfishness. I can't really remember what I really value about him. when I think of so many of our years together I don't feel like he ever valued me. I'm not willing to live with so little anymore, now that I've taken the hit. He'd have to be a mostly brand-new person for me to be willing to be in a relationship with him. That doesn't hurt the way it used to. It's just sad.
D11's tantrum tonight went differently than in the past. That tells me a lot. I really have changed. I like it. I hope someday I'm with someone who cares about and appreciates me. I don't expect it to be my H.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
