I do still feel guilt about the things i did wrong (and they were really wrong) but very much now im in the mindset that these are what i need to change.
on my last thread i wrote a very long post about what the core issues are for me and I dont think my W's comments changed any of this.
the biggest changes in my perception relate to more memories of times when she was clear and i ignored, that our relationship wasnt fun and that i debated things unnecessarily
additional the extent to which my wife will lie also became more obvious.
I did during the conversation directly push back on some of what she said as well as how the way she said it made me feel.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
You can counter file for fault if W does that first.
The courts would request mediation, this will add 6 months to the delay at minimum but not much cost. You won't have to pay a penny during that for that time plus. As I understand it W would have to file for interim relief which she is unlikely to get if you advise she is with OM1.
You could (not saying you will) cite all OMs in your petition and then they get registered court delivery. You are going to need proof if you go that route and it is a reality check. I have a friend who named 5 OWs and of course delivery would ensure that all 5 then knew about each other. Her H settled out of court in the end to avoid this. In friends case a 'courtesy' solicitor copy was sent prior to filing for real, for observations by the other party. I know games! Her H was in open awe as he didn't think she had it in her. That's a couple destined to reunite, W in that case is now a rotary superstar and H a retired has been.
Where is Starsky when you need a master at this stuff!
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
although financial consent orders and custody agreements need to be resolved before the decree absolute they are not part of the divorce process. I drafted an agreement several months ago covering this stuff (which she sought to change as of 22nd december).
Those two issues are what urgently needs your attention in the sense you really need to spell out some non-negotiables to your L. Knowing what your wishes are, your L will be clear on those items.
Originally Posted By: jim0987
from my perspective I have said to W and my solicitor that i cannot give her any money for the equity in the house unless there is an agreement that that represents the totality of my financial commitment and waves any future claims. If this can only be acheived through the divorce process so be it as i will not expose myself financial any more than i already am.
No more talking to W about those matters. From now and on, those issues must be communicated through the lawyers. Remove yourself from the process for your lawyer is there to protect your best interests and it also serves another purpose in shielding you emotionally as well.
Originally Posted By: jim0987
my W sees this as me 'trying to pull the wool out from under her' hence her threat to move out on the 20th and take the kids to hampshire (anytime during this process she feels i'm standing ground she threatens solicitors actions and taking the kids from me)
Have you communicated this ^^ to your lawyer? He must be informed of everything like this so he knows what he is dealing with. She just cannot threaten you through emotional blackmail using the kids as "pawns" or imagined leverage against you. It is wrong. WRONG, WRONG!
Originally Posted By: jim0987
As for the divorce itself it seems like the only issue in me accepting the divorce is my fault is an ego thing, where as pushing it the other way risks all kinds of spew and destructive behaviour.
Let W spew until she's the blue in the face!! You need to take care of yourself. She's gonna try to push every button in the world to get you to back off. That is tried-but-true trick ripped straight out of the WAW play book. Don't fall for it and turn into a wet noodle.
Thanks for your compliment on my post. As corny as it sounds, I have switched myself into "fake it til you make it" mode and that seems to be working, at least for now.
As for your sitch, I can't give you any better advice than Vanilla and Edz as they are the best, but I am rooting for you.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
The question Im stuck on is what do I gain by filing?
There is a big ego thing of the paperwork saying it's her affair that caused it (had really good advice from my solicitor on thus) but it makes no real difference otherwise.
I've said clearly to all concerned that I require a 'clean break' financial settlement before paying anything - wife just doesn't want to hear this
My solicitors have precautionarily drawn up some injunction paperwork if she does try to take the kids.
So in some ways my thinking is why push it - me not reacting I think is annoying her. (Mind reading)
Vanilla thank you for the reminder about guilt. I was almost eloquent when I wrote that. All of her criticism my behaviour is 100% true and more she doesn't know - though she has my intent and feelings all wrong. I don't say thus out of guilt or to absolve her but its something I need to accept (truly accept) so that I can understand and change.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
The question Im stuck on is what do I gain by filing?
Protecting your financial assets. It's as simple as that. Your W is truly out of control and unreasonable through her shifty actions.
Originally Posted By: jim0987
There is a big ego thing of the paperwork saying it's her affair that caused it (had really good advice from my solicitor on thus) but it makes no real difference otherwise.
It's self-righteous that's driving these thoughts. Those actions are designed to shame and humiliate the WAS. There's absolutely nothing to be gained from this type of action. It will only serve to reinforce the negative outlook in their heads about you. You do not want to feed into that mindset.
Originally Posted By: jim0987
I've said clearly to all concerned that I require a 'clean break' financial settlement before paying anything - wife just doesn't want to hear this
Good for you!
Originally Posted By: jim0987
My solicitors have precautionarily drawn up some injunction paperwork if she does try to take the kids.
I think I'm obviously being really niave. I don't see my wife as out of control at all. I see someone who has made a clear decision to move on from our relationship as she doesnt value me as a partner and she is trying to make that happen as quickly as possible.
She has also met someone new that she wants to explore a relationship with but she doesn't want to admit it in case it disadvantages her or that I react badly/punitively and because she believes she hasn't done anything wrong and it's none of my business.
Other than the business with OM I don't think she is being particularly shifty. She is well practice's at cutting people from her life.
So I guess I don't see it as out if control, but actually in total control. Its when I threaten that she reacts usually with some sort of threat.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
It's self-righteous that's driving these thoughts. Those actions are designed to shame and humiliate the WAS. There's absolutely nothing to be gained from this type of action. It will only serve to reinforce the negative outlook in their heads about you. You do not want to feed into that mindset.
This is why I'm reluctant to file, I know she is worried that I will. She will view it as more of the same insecure reactionary controlling behaviour that she says is part of the reason we are done. Im secure enough in my ego that as long as it doesnt harm me in any legal sense i can wear being 'at fault' besides its not like I'm blameless. By Not filing might appear wet noodle though.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
You are not being naive just wilfully blind. If you don't take the blindfolds off then no one can do it for you. And it is truly in your interests to do so, to accept that W is way out of control and actually appears to have no real direction at all.
However I am going to venture an opinion on the filing issue. This is where the UK and the U.S. divide on legal grounds. The UK system is not in principle adversarial, but it is reactive. If you look at it you can cross petition at nisi if W goes fault on you. Please review government web site link if you do not believe me. The days of fault filing are gone, one party can allege fault and the other can deny or project back. Effectively creating stalemate. If I were game playing (and remember I am a UK tax consultant) then I would sit it out. As far as I can see you are buying out W, the power is with you. W needs speed, you can afford to wait. This is often the case when buying a business or house; one party has the upper hand because they know the other needs speed. Stalemate is in your interest once the financial settlement is agreed. Your pride is irrelevant in this and not a factor. Plus a threat of cross filing will make W pull right back, you don't need to lift a finger your L can do it. The key to keeping L costs low is to spoon feed the L with all the key financial and legal stuff. And to opt for mediation.
This is where your L is so important to you. Wonka is spot on with the principle here. If you can obtain evidence of OM1 and OM2 and anything else such as OM(latest) to be included. You know their names, so addresses not hard to get. Facebook evidence can work too, diaries, you have dates timelines from here if you can not remember. You are a smart lad and computer literate. Don't file if it isn't in your interests to do so which is my belief here. But in everything your choice. I have my financial settlement agreed so H wont get his settlement until the house is sold. Your position is stronger as you are the buyer.
It's called facing the music my friend, popping the bubble, reality check in.
In all things the kids come first and the courts always view the more stable parent as the better choice. These days that isn't automatically the mother. W is wayward it is in your interest to accept this. But no one here on this board can force you to open your eyes.
Jim you only protect yourself with your eyes wide open and that gives you the best DB opportunities. I mean this very kindly but my 2x4 is now a 12x8 Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/30/1410:30 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm genuinely grateful for the input but I think I'm still just not getting something here. Sorry
*I know my wife is waywad (ongoing sexually active relationship with OM1) * my wife is also very clear there is no way back for us. *I have protected all my rights to the kids as far as can without significant legal escalation *In disagreements regarding the kids my wife continues to be unreasonable but is likely to significantly escalate and has threatened such (documented with my solicitor) *The financial settlement is still to be resolved but in truth she is trying to play me and it won't happen. *Filing serves me little purpose at this stage except for 'statement' value * my wife is likely being underhanded with a number of aspects but I cannot say exactly what. I do know she is clever and a very skilled manipulator but I know where my boundaries are
To go further at this stage is to escalate in a way I do not wish to or to degenerate relations further (no good for the kids). Her words don't hurt me, how I react to them is what hurts me and so I'm trying to do better to control my reactions and act like im OK regardless.
Or am I still missing something?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
